


The Construction of the Homelander

by Beserk



Category: The Boys (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Billy Butcher/Homelander Endgame, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Slow Burn, Things Get Dark, obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:46:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 78,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24801799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beserk/pseuds/Beserk
Summary: After killing one of his handlers, a teenaged Homelander is sent to London by Vogelbaum to learn to interact with people his own age.And then he meets Billy Butcher.And things get…complicated.
Relationships: Billy Butcher/Homelander, Billy Butcher/Original Female Character(s), Billy Butcher/Original Male Character(s), Billy Butcher/The Homelander | John, The Homelander | John/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 154
Kudos: 465





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [【授翻】The Construction of the Homelander](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26914921) by [kikiokikio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikiokikio/pseuds/kikiokikio)



John is sitting, back straight and hands on his lap, in his room. He's waiting for Vogelbaum to come, for any of the other scientists, really. He's not sure what time it is- the only clock in the lab is in the training room, so he can know how long he manages to hold his breath, or how long he can go with holding up the enormous amount of weights. It's not so he can tell what time it is, if it's day or night. It doesn’t matter, he doesn't need to know what time it is. Sometimes he just wants to.

He does know, though, that it's later then when he normally gets interrupted. Usually he has a few minutes after waking up to himself before they come in. John knows that they watch him, he doesn’t care. It's just confusing when it seems like they aren't.

Where are they? Where is Dr. Vogelbaum? John isn't used to waiting, he's not used to being second to something. He doesn’t even know what he's second to, right now. What could _possibly_ be more important then him, that's keeping Vogelbaum? John scoffs, how ridiculous. There is nothing more important than him.

He's a god in the making.

He turns to look at the mirror, seeing his short blond hair, bright blue eyes and thin, lanky build. He's been working on his body, making it stronger, both his muscles and his powers. Vogelbaum had told him it would take time, that he was in the stage of his life where he was growing, and everyone was 'a bit awkward' in this time.

John had smashed the table in front of him in retaliation. He isn't everyone. He's going to be the _Homelander_. The name had been chosen when he was ten. His whole life is spent preparing to become the Homelander.

He isn't _everyone_.

John is startled out of his anger when the door opens. Finally. He grits his teeth as he watches the doctor and a few others come in, and Vogelbaum sits on the chair in front of John.

"Good morning, John."

"Good morning, doctor," John replies, and reclines on his cushion. "Took you long enough to come see me."

He can see a twitch in Vogelbaum's mouth, "We need to talk."

"All right. what about?"

"About yesterday. You killed Ms. Niles."

Ah. She _was_ dead, then. "All right."

"All right?" Vogelbaum takes a deep breath. "Can you tell me what happened? Did you lose control of your powers?"

John scowls. He hasn't lost control of his powers in years.

"No."

"No," Vogelbaum repeats. And then nods. "Can you tell me, then, why you killed her?"

"You must have seen," John grits his teeth. "You watch me all the time."

"John…" Vogelbaum rubs his face.

"What?" John snaps.

Vogelbaum sighs and leans forward, "I saw Ms. Niles giving you a rabbit to pet and you throwing it at the wall."

John nods, yes. That's how it happens.

"Then I saw her get mad at you for that, and then I saw you throw her at the wall as well. Yes?"

"Yes," John tilts his head slightly. "So what's the problem?"

Vogelbaum closes his eyes, "You killed someone for annoying you. Don't you see the problem here?"

"You said it yourself. She annoyed me."

"Right," Vogelbaum nods, clearly to himself. He's come to some decision, John can tell. "You're leaving."

_What._

"I should have done this a long, long time ago," Vogelbaum continues. "I'm sorry, John, but I've failed you. You have no understanding of empathy, of the value of human life. Vought won't like this, I'm sure, but…You're going to London."


	2. Chapter 2

"I want you to go with him," Vogelbaum says to one of his acolytes, his best one, a young woman by the name of Jess Bradley. Jess is one of John's favorite caretakers. Most likely because at eighteen, he finds her coffee colored skin, dark brown eyes and sculpted face appealing. As far as Vogelbaum knows (and he knows quite a bit), the boy has yet to show any interest in sex. He's quite old for it, but John has never masturbated. Still, he's clearly attracted to beautiful people, hovering over them like a little child hovers over its favorite toy. It's yet another reason why he wants the boy among his peers. No one, of course, shows sexuality around John. He's never even seen a kiss other than in the movies he's shown as a special prize once in a while.

Vogelbaum doesn’t want the boy to grow up with no concept of sexuality. It's bound to explode in him at some point, unless the boy turns out to be asexual. Which is a possibly, but Vogelbaum would rather not risk that.

Jess nods in assent, not trying to fight his decision. She knows better than that. "Why London, may I ask?"

"I want him far away from here, in case something happens and we need to disavow him," Vogelbaum replies, looking out the window. John is down there, in the garden, swinging on the hammock Vogelbaum had gotten for him when he was ten and first allowed out into the sun.

"Sir, with all due respect, if you're worried he'll do something-"

"I'm more worried of what he'll do if he continues to devalue human life so much, and is then released into the world as a supe. Can you imagine the kind of damage he can inflict then? How badly it would look for the company?" Vogelbaum shakes his head. "We need to make him more human."

"And if we can’t?"

Vogelbaum gives her a side-eyed look, "We will. There is no other choice. You'll go tomorrow."

Underneath them, in the garden, John swings slowly as he listens.

\---

They put him on a private plane the next morning, with Bradley. Vogelbaum doesn’t come to say goodbye to him, but he does send a message through Bradley: _no matter how angry they make you, don't hurt them. And they will. They will get you very, very angry. This is a test, don't fail me._

John isn’t intending to.

He settles down on the large comfortable chair and looks out the window. This isn't the first time he's flown. He'd been taken to New York City a few times before, to meet Vought's leaders. Still, it's an unusual occurrence for him to be out of the lab at all. And flying, being so high up in the air, makes him angry every time. He doesn’t need the plane. He should be up there alone, just him and the skies, going wherever he pleases. But Vogelbaum says he's not ready for that.

"When you're older, and we unveil the masterpiece," Vogelbaum says. "You'll get to fly as much as you want on your own."

The masterpiece is the Homelander. And it's not ready quite yet. John knows that. This, this new test, is just another step in the creation of the masterpiece. He needs to learn to ape the mudpeople. Vogelbaum hasn't said that outright, but John knows that's part of why he's being sent to London.

"John."

John looks up to see Bradley sitting down in front of him. She's got a phone in one hand and a computer in the other, and she doesn’t look up at him for a few moments, busy in tapping something on the phone and placing the computer on the table in front of them. When she's done, she clears her throat.

"I would like to tell you about the plan for the next while, would that be all right?"

He waves his hand, giving her permission to speak.

"You've been enrolled in a school called St. James's, it's a private school that's been operational for nearly two hundred years. It's considered one of the best schools in London. We'll be living near the school, but you'll have to take a bus there every day-"

John twitches slightly, hoping Bradley couldn't tell. He's never been on a bus, though he's seen them in movies.

"-if that's all right with you. If not, I'll find a different home."

"No," John replies, keeping his voice even. "I don't mind. Go on."

Bradley hesitates for a moment and then nods and continues, "We created identities for both of us. You'll go by the name John Thorn, and I'll be Jess Jordan, your older half-sister. The story will be that you came to live with me in London after our mother remarried for a third time, and you didn't get along with our new step-father at all. You lived in New York until then, so you don't need to change your accent or anything like that. What do you think?"

John looks out the window and watches the ground disappear fast. There's an odd feeling in his pit, like someone had poured molten metal in his gut (he knows what that feels like) as he watches it disappear. He's never left the country before, and he's never left not knowing when he'll be back. He finds that he doesn't like that. But he's not going to show anyone that.

"I think it will work adequately enough," John replies, and he has to stop himself from punching the airplane wall open so he can fly back to the lab. But that would kill Bradley and the pilot, and then he'll fail the test.

"Good, I'm glad," Jess nods, then smiles tentatively. "I think this will be good for you, John. I think you'll enjoy being around kids your age."

John snorts.

\---

The townhouse Bradley leads him to is small. There's a master bedroom with an on suite attached to it, a second bedroom facing the enclosed garden, a kitchen-living-room-dining-room area, and a bathroom. The master bedroom is located on the second floor and has windows facing the street, and Bradley tells John hesitantly that it would probably be more believable if she has it, but if he really wants to they can work something out. John just waves her off. He wants to be in the bedroom on the first floor. If he lays on the bed and reaches his hand out, he can touch the highest flowers in the garden.

Some men carry in their furniture, among them three wooden boxes that are deposited in John's room.

"Those are the things you brought from our mother's home," Bradley says from the kitchen as she takes out the cutlery, while the men spill out. John is more than happy to watch them go, he didn't like the way they looked at him, as if trying to see inside his skin. They were people from Vought, that had never seen him before. "Books, clothes, sports equipment. You can choose your hobbies and we'll get rid of the rest."

"My hobbies," John says flatly, standing in the doorway to the bedroom.

He hears Bradley stop what she's doing and come to stand next to him, "I know you like those action movies Vogelbaum lets you watch. Those can be a hobby. But you need more. What type of books do you like to read? What sports did you play back home? Are you a video game person, and if so, what kind? Maybe you played Dungeons and Dragons back home. You decide. Whatever you want, no wrong answer."

"What's Dungeons and Dragons?"

Bradley hesitates for a moment and then says, "It's a game. I can teach you if you want?"

"No," John snaps. He doesn't need her help. "I'll read what I've always read."

"Most teenaged boys…don't read Russian novels and _Paradise Lost_ -"

"That's what I read," John interrupts.

Bradley sighs, "That's what Vogelbaum _let_ you read. But…you can read something else now, if you want. Give it a go, you might find something you enjoy. I'm going to finish the kitchen; it might take me some time. Should I order pizza while you look in the boxes?"

"Do whatever you want," John shrugs, unable to look away from the boxes. Choose. He can choose what his hobbies will be.

Without bothering to wait for Bradley to reply, John walks into the bedroom and closes the door behind him. He walks over to the boxes, slowly, and opens all three of them. He takes all the books out (he needs to read all of them to tell which he likes. That wouldn't take him very long, but he decides to keep it to the end) and places them on the ground, and then digs in again.

A baseball bat, a soccer ball and basketball. A hokey stick and riding crop for a horse, tennis and Ping-Pong bats, and all the equipment that comes with each sport. He places them all on the ground and runs his fingers through them. It doesn't take him long to decide which he wants to go with. Riding crop, of course. To be able to control another living creature, bind it to his will, force it to go back and forth. To walk when he wants it to, to gallop when he wants that. He feels a thrill just thinking about it.

He puts all the other things in the now empty box, and places the riding crop, helmet and boots on of the bare shelves. He blinks at it for a moment, suddenly struck by the powerful sense that this is different. He's never had his own things in the room he slept in. In the lab, there was a chair and bed, and that was it. If Vogelbaum wanted him to watch a movie or read a book, he'd bring it in, let John have it for a few hours, and then take it away. Some of the books he only got for an hour, and was then quizzed on them for months to come, to see how much he remembered. But these things…they will stay. For as long as he stays in London. No one can take them away.

John shakes his head, not wanting to think about the odd sensations this realization is stirring in him. Instead he rummages into the next box, taking out video game after video game. There's some machine in there as well, which John thinks is for playing the games. He's never actually played before. There's a buzzing in his gut, he likes the idea of doing this. It's new. He picks the machine up and places it under the large TV in his room and puts the video games next to it.

The movies come next, in their DVD boxes. He takes away all the ridiculous romantic movies that he can never imagine watching, but places the rest in their place. Then he takes out a large amount of posters. There's one of _Rocky_ and one of _Die Hard_ , both movies that he's seen just once. Last year, for his seventeenth birthday. It was movies just for fun, he only gets things like that on his birthdays. Or when he's doing particularly well with his training.

He pins the posters to the walls, and then breathes out. The room doesn't look lived in, like the rooms he's seen in movies. But he supposes that makes sense, since he's meant to have just moved here anyways. Still, though, it looks more like a room then anything he's ever seen with his two eyes before.

There's a knock on the door, and John turns to see Bradley peeking at him, most of her body still outside.

"Hey, the pizza's here-"

"Take a piece or two and go eat in your room," John says dismissively. "I want the living room to myself."

"Oh," Bradley blinks. "I thought you'd want to eat together so we could talk-"

"You thought wrong," John snaps. "Go."

He doesn’t need to tell her twice. Good. John goes out to the kitchen and takes a piece of pizza. He looks it over. He's never had pizza from a restaurant before. He's never had anything from a restaurant before. He needs to hold himself back from lasering the whole fucking block. He doesn’t even know why.

\---

"You go two stops," Bradley says as she leads John to the bus stop. "And then you walk straight-"

"I saw the maps," John interrupts. "I don't need you to explain it again. Go to your _work_."

Bradley's supposedly works online for a company in America, which pays will enough for her to send her 'brother' to one of the most expensive London schools. He has no idea what she's planning to actually do all day, but he can't bring himself to even pretend to care. She can spend the time cleaning the house. She'd be somewhat useful then, at least.

Bradley nods, "All right. I'll see you at home, after school?"

"As supposed to what?" John asks dismissively as the bus appears over the curve. "Go, Jess. I don’t need you."

"Wait," Bradley calls out, and John turns to look at her as the bus comes near. "One last thing. I think you should tell the other students that you come from a very religious family."

John squints his eyes, "Why?"

"It might…explain away some eccentricities. You not understanding some references they may make, things like that."

John nods to her. He has no reason not to do as she asks, and it's almost true. He does come from a religious background- he's a god in the making. There are few things more religious then that.

Bradley smiles at him as the bus come to a stop. He gives her a dismissive wave and jumps up onto the bus. As soon as he steps inside he breathes out, sharply. Fuck. It stinks terribly in here. Like sweat and vomit, and a bit of urine. He hopes the rest of the city doesn’t stink like this, as well.

There is a huge amount of people on the bus. He can't find a single empty seat, and he almost walks over to one of the men and forces him to move and give him his place. But he's quite sure that will make a mess, and then he'll probably be taken back to Vogelbaum and lose the test. So instead he takes a deep breath and goes up the stairs (buses in the US don’t have stairs, do they?).

Luckily, the upstairs is much less busy. John is quite sure he wouldn't have just stood if he couldn’t find a place, he just would have punched someone out of the bus. But this way, he can continue to pass the test. Which is turning out to be just a bit harder than he had expected.

He looks around at the various empty chairs, trying to decide which one to sit on. There isn’t a place for him to sit by the window, so he might have to make one of the people move, anyways. His eyes catch the sight of one of the benches in the back. There's a young boy sitting there, probably around his age if not a bit younger. The boy is looking out the window with large headphones on his head, and his legs are seated on the seat next to him. No one says anything to him about his shoes dirtying the seat, though John does see some of the well-dressed career people giving him sideways glances.

John feels his breath hitch. He's never seen another person his own age, outside of the screen. He finds himself cataloguing everything that is similar between the boy and himself, and everything that's different. Both he and the boy have blue eyes, though the boy's are deeper while John's flirt with green sometimes. John has blond hair; the other boy's hair is jet black. John's face is perfect, without a single blemish. This boy has a scar running down from his hair line to his left eyebrow. It's thin but pronounced, as if he was cut by a thin knife but very, very deeply. They're both long and lanky, both growing into their full height and strength still. And they're both dressed in St. Matthew's uniform. But while John's was ironed and pressed by Bradley before he left the townhouse, the other boy's is rumpled, his suit jacket opened, the tie thrown over his shoulder, and a few buttons from the top of his white shirt undone, exposing a pale collar bone and neck.

John finds himself following the lines of the boy's collar bone, to the expanse of skin exposed before it is closed for his eyes by the white shirt. He almost wants to see what's underneath there, which doesn’t make any sense. What's there to see there? But he still wants to, he _really_ does. Pushing the odd thought to the back of his head, he walks over to the boy and pushes his legs off the seat.

The boy startles, pushing his headphones off his ears, and glares at John. John blinks, and finds that he can't move for a second. He's just staring at the other boy. He likes his eyes.

"Oi, what you think you doin'?" The boy demands in an accent that's very different from the ones of the British workers that had come to the townhouse to help Bradley put the heavy furniture together (she'd looked at John like she was going to ask him to do it, but then thought better of it and made the call). It's rough, and harsh, and John likes it.

"You don't need two seats," John says when he recovers, and sits down. "Just say thank you that I didn't kick you off the seat."

The other boy stares at him for a moment, then snorts, "Ah. A septic, then."

"What?" John snaps, sure he's being insulted somehow.

But the boy rolls his eyes, "A _Yank_."

"What are you calling me?"

"Bloody hell," The boy groans, as if John is being an idiot, and John can feel his fists clinching. "An American. Yah?"

John shakes his head, "Why couldn't you just say that, then?"

"I did," The boy snaps back. "It ain't me fault you septics don't get nothin' bein' said to ya."

There seems to be something wrong with that logic, but John doesn’t have time to think about it since the boy keeps talking and he doesn’t want to miss a word.

(It feels like something bad would happen if he does, and he doesn’t know what. It feels like he doesn’t know a lot, and he hasn't felt like this since he was a young child who hadn't learned how to get on Vogelbaum's good side all the time yet.)

"I see you go to St. Matthew's. Never seen a septic there before. What year you in?"

"You need to work on your vocabulary," John informs him. "it's impossible to understand anything you say."

The boy snorts, "Yah. You ain't the first to say that here among the posh. They ain't fans of cockneys here."

"That's what you are?"

"Ay, East London born and bred," He sounds quite proud of that.

John thinks back on his question and asks, "When you say year, you mean grade?"

"That how you septics say it? Hell if I know."

Deciding that that means _yes_ , John tells him, "I'm in grade thirteen."

"Are ya? Then we're the same year," The boy tilts his head, and that way John can see even more of his neck. He likes that. "What's your name, then?"

"John. Yours?"

"Billy Butcher," The boy sticks his hand out, and John takes it in his own. Gently, he reminds himself as he shakes Billy's hand. He doesn’t want to break it. He doesn’t think Billy will like it if his hand his broken. He'll probably stop talking to John if that happens.

"So, why you here then?"

John clears his throat and tells Billy his pre-written speech (he did write it, a few versions of it on his computer) about how he was raised Evangelical, his father died and his mother remarried. But because he didn't get along with her new husband, it was decided that he would go live with his sister Jess until he graduated, at which point he would decide what to do with the rest of his life.

Billy doesn’t interrupt his story, not once. Doesn't ask questions. Just makes little humming noises that make John continue talking. It's only when he's done that he realizes that he's told more than he intended: that he's never been out of America and doesn't know anything about England, that he's never played any video games but has some now and is looking forward to playing them. He's not sure how Billy got him to tell all these things. He would make a good detective; he has a way of getting people to talk just by being there.

When he's done, there's a moment of silence between them, and then the bus grinds to a holt. Billy rolls his eyes and jumps up, remarking, "We here. Come," and steps over John, his back bag nearly hitting John in the face. Annoyed at the sudden dismissal, John jumps up and rushes after Billy as he pounces down the stairs and out of the bus.

They walk a few minutes to the school, without saying much. Billy points out a few shops along the way, a café he says the students go to all the time, a restaurant that he claims was burnt down a few months ago. There's a mischievous look in his eyes when he tells that story that makes John think that perhaps Billy isn't entirely ignorant as to how and why the restaurant burned. He likes that thought.

The school itself is in a building that looks like a small castle. There's a guard by the gate, but he takes one look at the two boys and allows them to walk in. As they do, he ruffles Billy's hair and the two engage in banter for a few moments.

John feels himself filling with irrational anger at the sight of Billy talking to someone else, even looking at someone else. It only lasts a few moments, though, before Billy slaps the guard on the back and turns back to John and motions him to follow.

As the walk past the school front, John takes in the other students. They look more like him then Billy, at least in their clothes. All of them have pressed clothing that looks well taken care of and new, and they speak in accents similar to those John recognizes from that one time he saw the Queen of England make an address on TV. John finds that it grates on his ears, now that he has Billy's accent to compare it to.

He's surprised to see how the other students treat Billy, though. They don't make fun of him for his clothes, the fact that it seems he clearly comes from a different background then the rest of them. Instead they all move aside when he passes, and nod their heads to him respectfully, and a few call out to him, asking how his day is going. They act like the scientists act around Vogelbaum: like he's a boss they respect but also fear, just a little bit.

"You need to go see the headmistress," Billy says as they walk into the building. "Good bloody luck with the geezer, mate."

"Wait."

Billy turns in the middle of stepping away, and when he looks back at John there's a grin on his face that makes John shiver. Had he realized before how soft his lips look?

"No worries there," Billy says cheerfully. "You'll be all right. I'll see you soon, yeah?"

"Yes," John whispers.


	3. Chapter 3

The headmistress is a stern, old looking woman with dark black hair cut short and beginning to grey. She's not half as intimidating as Vogelbaum, and he really doesn't understand how she got into the position she's in. She doesn't seem to have any interest in John, just gives him a speech he's sure she gives every new students, about how great and dignified St. Matthew's was and how quickly John would be kicked out if he did anything to damage that dignity. It's amazingly boring, but John is used to ignoring speeches, so he lets it wash over him, keeping his ears open.

He can hear Billy get to his class and be greeted by other boys and some girls as well. He's clearly the centre of attention, and John hates it. He hates the sound of Billy laughing to someone else's voice. But if he gets up and walks away now, he’ll probably get kicked out of the school. Then he'd be taken back home, and Billy isn't at home.

When the headmistress finishes, she gets up and walks John to the classroom. Billy's classroom.

"Mr. Thorn," The teacher walks over to John while the headmistress quietly steps away, her interest in John clearly finished. He's young, with auburn hair and green eyes. He smiles at John, who notices in an abstract sort of way that the teacher is quite good looking. But that realization does nothing for him not like seeing Billy's beauty.

He's never found any of the adults looming over him attractive, even if he could tell they were good looking. He doesn’t understand it, what is different about Billy.

"My name is Oliver Beckett," The teacher has a sing-song accent, that sounds different from the head mistress's. "Welcome to St. Matthew's. I'll be your history teacher."

"Pleasure," John says dryly. He turns away from the teacher and lets his eyes skim over the students. They're sitting one on each table, backs straight, with books settled next to their hands.

Billy sits right in the middle, leaning forward and whispering into the ear of the girl seated in front of him. The girl is absolutely beautiful, with long locks of blond hair and grey eyes, and John finds that he wants to kill her.

There's a seat open next to Billy, though. That makes John feel calmer, somehow.

"Everyone, this is John Thorn, our newest pupil. I would very much like it if one of you could take charge here, and help John acclimate?"

A few people raise their hands. Billy doesn’t, but he does speak out.

"Give him to me. I'll look after him."

"Ah, Mr. Butcher," There's a smirk in Mr. Beckett's voice. "Very good. Why don't you go sit next to Mr. Butcher, Mr. Thorn?"

John nods and makes his way to Billy. He sits down, and looks to see Billy smirking at him. John looks away, down at his table.

Why is his face hot all of a sudden?

\---

It takes John a few minutes to realize that school…is boring. The teacher is talking about the Diadochi, and there's not a single word he says that John has not already been taught. More than that, the teacher is telling the students (pupils, they're called pupils in England) an outdated version of the historical theory. He almost raises his voice to tell the teacher that, but before he can, he hears Billy whispering into the ear of the girl in front of him, "What you think of the new lad, Ruby?"

John swallows.

"He's rather good looking, isn’t he?"

 _I'm going to kill her one day_ , John decides. He doesn't like the purr in her voice.

"He is, ain't he?" There's a purr to Billy's voice as well. John's stomach grows warm and fuzzy. "We should take him out to a pub crawl later."

"All right."

What was a pub crawl? John doesn't think it matters. He'll go with Billy wherever he wants to go.

"William Jonah Butcher," Mr. Beckett calls. "Am I boring you?"

Billy straightens up and grins at the teacher, "How could you, sir? You ain't _bad_ looking."

The students giggle, and the teacher rolls his eyes, clearly fond. He looks at Billy, and Billy looks back at him. For a moment the two seem struck with the other, as if they're the only ones in the room.

But then the teacher looks away, and John can hear that his heart is beating. Just a bit faster than it was before. He looks around the class, but it seems he's the only one that noticed the strange moment. Billy is leaning back on his chair, a little smug smile on his face. The rest of the class might not have noticed, but Billy knows what he's done.

"Thank you, Mr. Butcher. My entire sense of self-worth is based on your assessment, so of course I'm feeling quite good with myself right now," Mr. Beckett's tone is calm and dismissive. A few minutes later, though, he looks back at Billy, and John sees Billy licking his lower lip. John turns away again, confused. Why is Billy looking at their teacher like that? And why does John want Billy to look at _him_ like that?

The next class is math. For this one, Mr. Beckett leaves and a new teacher comes in. This one is an elderly man, who looks like the male version of the headmistress. This class is just as boring, thought it seems that the rest of the students find it difficult, even Billy.

Why he thinks _even_ is beyond John. But he can just tell that Billy is smarter than most, if not all, of the students. It's clear to see in his eyes.

When the class ends, the students all start getting up and stuffing their things in their bags. Most leave the room, or hover in small groups and begin gossiping. But around seven students (and a few others pouring in from other classes) congregate around Billy, like moths to the flame. John stays in place, even though he wants to go to Billy as well. But he's not going to be slobbering over Billy like the rest of them.

"Mate."

John looks up to see that Billy has come to sit on his table. His long legs swinging up and down. He looks very young, suddenly, like maybe his life is a clear stream he can swim in without it taking too much effort.

"You comin' with us?"

They look at each other.

"Coming where?" John asks.

Billy shrugs, "Does it matter?"

John finds that it doesn’t. "I'll come."

\---

"I thought the school day only ends in two hours," John point out as he follows Billy and three other students out of the school grounds.

The school is surrounded by a tall wall. The other boy Billy brought with them, who was introduced to John as Monkey ("'Cause his arms are all long and lanky like," Billy had explained and then ducked to avoid getting smacked on the back of the head by the huge boy) gets down on his knees.

Billy jumps on the man's back and climbs up to the top of the wall. He grins down at John and says, "Aye. But we got PE now, and Mr. Jackson don't give a bleeding fuck who's there and who ain't. No one bloody cares if we leave early today. If you're too chicken for it, stay."

John glares up at him, "I'm not scared of anything."

"Bangin'," Billy turns away from John and motions at the two girls. "Come along then, lassies."

"What a gentleman our William is," One of the girls' grin, curtsying with her school uniform skirt. Unlike Ruby, this girl doesn't look at Billy with that powerful burn in her eyes. She seems like she likes him, but there's no heat in between them. John doesn’t hate her right away.

"Aim to please, that's me."

Monkey stays still as the girl climbs on his back, like Billy before her, and raises her delicate arms. Billy grabs her and pulls her up to sit on his lap. Immediately she pinches his ear and gets off of him, her brown hair flying in the wind, and disappears on the other side of the wall.

"Wait there, Eva. Don't disappear on me," Billy calls out. "Ayyy-vvva!"

"Never, Billy," She calls back, clearly amused. "No need to yell for me."

"You next then, Rubs," Billy motions to Ruby.

Ruby, unlike Eva, doesn’t fight it when Billy puts her on his lap. On the contrary, she grins and leans down, and suddenly they're kissing, their tongues coming out and playing with one another, and Billy's hand goes up to wrap in Ruby's long blond locks. John watches, stunned and unable to move.

"Billy, focus, love!" Eva's voice calls out from the other side of the wall.

It takes a few more seconds, but finally Ruby and Billy break apart. They're both panting like they've just run a marathon, and then grin at each other like they've shared some secret no one else around them understands.

Billy gives Ruby another quick kiss, and then helps her down the wall. Finally, he turns back to John. His eyes are sparkling, his lips are puffed. John swallows.

"Need help?"

Mutely, John shakes his head, and goes to climb on Monkey's back. He pushes himself up on the wall, and looks at Billy. The other boy's lips quirk up at him, but it's not at all like the smile he gave Ruby. That one had seemed private, like it belonged only to the two of them. This smile could be given to anyone, it's not special for John.

"Go on then," Billy says, then jumps down the wall. Mutely, John follows.

They have to wait a moment for Monkey to climb up after them (he's tall enough that he doesn’t need help), but before long all five of them are on the other side of the wall.

"Where too, Billy?" Ruby asks, placing her chin on Billy's shoulder.

Billy seems to think for a moment, then says, "Got some 420 fags."

John has no idea what the hell that means, but the cheer that comes up from the rest of the group tells him that it's probably a good thing.

\---

A 420 fag turns out to be marijuana rolled into a cigarette. Billy takes the cannabis out of his bag (John's a bit shocked that he actually brought it to school, it seems like the kind of thing that might get him into trouble) and begins rolling the cigarettes once they find a hidden spot in the nearby park. It looks like this is a normal spot for the group, since Eva climbs up a nearby tree (she doesn't have any problems with the climb, moving from one branch to another with the grace of a ballerina) and comes down holding a six pack of beer. The two boys howler in response, and Eva rolls her eyes, throwing one to each of them. Then she turns to John.

"Would you like one, John?"

There's a secret smile on her face that doesn’t look at all like the smile she'd given any of the others.

"John here probably never had tiddly," Billy calls out as he opens the beer and toasts them. He takes a long gulp of the drink, and John watches his Adam's apple go up and down as he drinks, and then hands the bottle to Ruby, who's laying with her head on his lap. She accepts the drink and finishes it before throwing the empty bottle at the tree in front of her, where it explodes into hundreds of glass pieces.

"Really?" Eva frowns. "Have you never had a drink, John?"

Assuming she's referring to an _alcoholic_ drink, John shakes his head.

"John's folks believe in the old geezer in the sky," Billy informs Eva, leaning against the tree and running his fingers absently through Ruby's hair. "They probably ain't ever let the poor lad _see_ a tiddly."

"I've seen drinks before," John frowns.

"On the telly?" Billy asks.

"On the what?"

"Television," Eva translates.

John grits his teeth.

"I'll take that as a yes, shall I?" Eva gives him the secret smile again, and then hands him a beer can. "Go on then, try. You'll like it."

John gives her a doubtful look, but sniffs the drink. It smells disgusting, harsh and bitter, but the other four are watching him expectantly and he's not going to look weak in front of them. He takes a few sips, and this drink is absolutely disgusting.

He makes a disgusted face, and the others burst out laughing. John glares, his hand closing hard on the bottle. But before the bottle can break, Eva put a hand on his arm and says softly, "No one likes it in the beginning."

"She ain't wrong," Billy chimes in, and John forces himself to calm a bit. "Try some more."

He pats the grass next to him. John doesn’t hesitate for a second before coming to sit next to Billy.

Billy, with his fingers still playing in Ruby's hair, says, "Go ahead."

John, keeping his eyes on Billy, takes a few more sips. It does get less horrible as he goes, and by the time the beer is done it’s almost tasty.

"There," Billy's voice is soft now, and John has a sudden, strong desire to curl into Billy's lap. But Ruby is already there, and he thinks that Billy will try to push him away if he does. "Now. Shall we try the fag next?"

"All right," John nods and is handed a cigarette with cannabis in it. He places it on his lips and lets Billy light it. For a moment, they're fingers touch, and John feels like he had a few years ago, when Vogelbaum had electrocuted him.

"Let's see how you like it, yeah?"

\---

This one John does like. He's never felt like this before, like he's outside of his body, like he's flying without feeling the wind hit his flesh. He's laying on the ground, his head touching Billy's arm, looking up at the sky and taking a smoke every few moments.

Monkey, Eva and Ruby are all laying on the ground as well. Monkey is asleep, though, snoring softly. By the lack of reaction from the others, John supposes he does this often.

Eva begins humming, and then singing. She's got a beautiful voice, and John can't understand a word that she says. When he gives Billy a puzzled look, Billy leans close to whisper into his ear, "Gaelic. Her daddy's from Scotland."

"Right…." John blinks. It's hard to think with Billy's mouth so close to his skin. Even harder now then it was because of the drug.

"Pretty, ain't it?" Billy mumbles. His pupils are blown, there's a sheen of sweat on his forehead, and he's breathing deeply. John turns around, so their mouths are close to each other.

"She's a good singer," John agrees. "I like…I like that I can't understand the words."

He's never heard a song like that before, where he couldn't understand the words. He's had songs played for him in languages he did not understand, but then he was taught them. He decides he doesn’t want to learn Gaelic. He wants to keep the mystery.

Billy blinks, then nods, as if he understands.

"Yeah, she a good mangle allright. And sometimes it's better not to understand everthin', yeah?"

\---

"What time is it?" John mumbles, watching Billy. He's not sure how long he was high, but the area around has changed since he was last aware. There are more cigarette buds thrown around, and empty bottles are laying next to John. Monkey is gone, and so is Eva. Ruby is still laying on her back next to John, though. And Billy is standing up.

"Six," Billy stretches, raising his arms up to the sky. "Why, you got somewhere to be?"

"My-sister, is waiting for me," John pulls himself into a seated position. He watches Billy's shirt pull up, exposing his stomach. He can see a buzz of hair that goes down into his pants.

"Aw, what a good lad," Ruby giggles. She's still high, John thinks. "Did you hear that, Bill? You don't care so much about what your mum and dad think."

"Why the bloody hell should I?" Billy sounds puzzled. He comes over to Ruby and John, and heaves Ruby onto her feet. "Come along, darlin', we should get you home."

"No," Ruby monas, smuggling against Billy. "I want you to fuck me, Billy."

John bites his lip.

"Not tonight, Rubs. We'll go on a pub crawl tomorrow, yeah?"

"Why tomorrow and not tonight?" John asks, confused.

"Tomorrow's Thursday," Billy replies, stopping Ruby from kissing him. "No school on Friday. No need to get up piss early on Fridays."

"So you _do_ care about school?" John raises an eyebrow.

"Of course he cares," Ruby laughs. "He'll get kicked back to his old rubbish school if he doesn't."

"Shut it," Billy snaps, pushing Ruby away from him. "Ain't notihn' wrong with-"

"The land of the cockneys? Don't be ridiculous, love. You're lucky to have gotten away," Ruby turns to John. "Billy's at St. Matthew's on a scholarship. If his grades drop too many points he'll be tossed out."

Billy's' eyes are weary as he watches John, as if he's waiting for him to laugh at him. John hesitates for a moment and then says, "Does that matter?"

That seems to be the correct course of action. Billy walks over to John, leaving Ruby swaying alone. "Come on," He raises his hand, and John happily grabs it, even though he doesn't need the assistance.

The black-haired boy halts him up, but when John is on his feet, he doesn’t move. Not for a long, long moment. He just stands there, looking at John and holding onto his arm. John wants them to stay like this, forever. But then Billy steps away and goes back to the girl. Ruby leans on his shoulder, and Billy picks up both of their bags and takes hold of Ruby's hand in his.

John doesn’t understand it. Hadn't he just been mad at her? If it had been John, he would have punched her, hard. She wouldn't have said anything he didn't like after that.

John follows Billy and Ruby out of the park. They walk to the bus stop, where they sit down to wait for their ride home. Ruby's bus comes first, and she gives Billy a sharp kiss before climbing onto it and driving away.

Billy doesn’t say anything while they wait for the bus, and John doesn't feel the need to break the silence. It's comfortable, it feels like they don't _need_ to talk.

The bus comes quickly after that, and there's a bit less people then when they took it to school. Billy and John sit next to each other at the back of the first floor of the bus, with Billy by the window. He places his cheek on the window, turning away from John.

John watches him from the corner of his eye, the way his face is illuminated red by the setting sun, the way his eyes flutter closed, as if he's trying to keep himself awake. John blinks, then has to look away. The whole day has been full with strange, unfamiliar feelings. This one is the strangest. It makes him want to cry, it makes his whole body feel warm and soft.

Billy has to nudge him to let him know that they've reached his stop. John wasn't paying attention. Their goodbyes are quick and fleeting, since John has to run to make it out of the bus before it leaves the station, but he catches Billy yell, "See you tomorrow!" and that just makes the feeling grow.

Bradley opens the door before John has time to knock, she must have seen him walk towards the townhouse from the living room window. Her face is paler than normal, and her eyes wide.

"John!" She gasps, moving to the side to let him pass. "Where have you been, I was so-"

She cuts herself off, and John frowns, turning to see her eyes grow even wider, as if she's realized something.

"John, are you high?"

"Not anymore," John throws his bag on the floor and shrugs off his jacket before collapsing on the sofa.

Bradley hesitantly walks over to him, picking up the objects on the floor, "But…you were."

"Yes," John snaps. "Is there a problem with that?"

"No, no," Bradley says immediately, and John is surprised to see a grin spread on her face. "There's no problem. You made some friends, then?"

John hesitates for a moment, and then nods.

"Yes, I think I did."

Bradley beams at him.


	4. Chapter 4

John wakes up the next day much earlier than he needed to. Bradley had set his alarm clock for eight, which would give him around half an hour to get ready before going on the bus. But when he snatches up the alarm clock, it's only six in the morning. He rolls his eyes and slips out bed, hovering in the air and flying towards his wardrobe. He gets dressed quickly in his uniform and steps out of the room.

There's an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. Unsure of what it is, John decides that in all likelihood, it's probably hunger.

Rolling his eyes, John yells out, "Bradley!"

He can hear Bradley snoring above him, so yells her name again.

"Wha-" Bradley mumbles.

"Get down here and make me breakfast!" John screams. "Bradley!"

It takes a few more screams, but eventually Bradley is forced out of her sleep and comes stumbling down to the living room. Her eyes are puffy and red, like she's been crying before she fell asleep. She's pulling a robe around herself, and John catches sight of a bit of her breast before it disappears behind the cloth.

"Good morning, John," Bradley mumbles. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine," John says as he settles down on the table. "Make me eggs for breakfast, Bradley."

Bradley hesitates and then nods. As she makes John's breakfast, he looks out the window and thinks about the upcoming day. He's got math today again, English literature, biology and chemistry. He's going to see Billy again (Eva, Ruby and Monkey as well, but that's much less important) and when they day is over they'll go on a pub crawl. John had looked online once he got home the night before, to figure out what a pub crawl was. He wishes Billy would want to do something else, but he feels an excited buzz inside of him at the thought of spending that time with Billy. Hopefully Ruby will leave early.

"Here you go, John," Bradley places the plate in front of him. She's made him two sunny-side downs, placed on pieces of perfectly toasted bread, with a small salad next to it. She also hands him a cup of freshly squeezed orange juice, which he hadn't asked for but is pleased to receive. Bradley hesitates for a moment and then adds, "May I join you?"

John shrugs, "Do whatever you want. Just be ready to get up again if I need anything."

Bradley smiles and sits down next to him. She eats quietly for a few minutes and then clears her throat.

"You woke up early today."

John nods, scowling at the remnants of the toast. It wasn't hunger, he still feels weird.

"You usually wake up early only when you've had a bad dream," She continues, hesitant. John keeps his eyes on his plate, shoving the salad from one side to another. "Did you have a bad dream?"

John shrugs, "It wasn't bad."

It hadn't been. It was odd, but not bad. Was what why he was feeling so strange?

"Would you like to tell me about it?" Bradley raises a hand when John glares at her. "You don't have to. I'm not going to tell Vogelbaum either way."

Chewing his lower lip, John decides that it might be best to tell her. He believes her, that she won't tell Vogelbaum. He knows how fast her heart pounds when she lies, she's been around him for a few years now. He's learned to read all the scientists that take care of him, with the exception of Vogelbaum. Bradley might be able to help him understand his dream, and if not, he can break a finger or two and hear her scream.

(No he can't that's not allowed that will fail the test he can't fail the test, he can't.)

"I dreamt about Billy," John looks back out of the window. It's raining. It usually doesn't rain in September back in the lab. At least, he doesn’t think it does. He's usually let out to see the rain for the first time in November of December. It could rain before, and Vogelbaum just doesn’t let him see it. He doesn’t know why he would do that, but John doesn’t understand a lot of what Vogelbaum does. "He's in my class."

"Oh," There's surprise in Bradley's voice, but she clears her throat and seems to get ahold of herself. "What happened in the dream?"

"It was strange," John places his chin on his hand. "We were at a beach, and Billy was naked. He asked me to get naked as well, so we could go into the water."

"And did you?"

"I don’t know, I woke up," That's all John can remember from the dream. He knows that more things happened in the dream, it hadn't stopped there. He has a very vague recollection of getting into the water, but that's all. "But I want to. So what does it mean?"

Bradley sighs deeply, and then says, "I think you're sexuality attracted to Billy, John."

Does that make sense? John thinks about all the speeches Vogelbaum had given him about those topics. He's showing all the signs Vogelbaum had listed for him so yes, it does make sense.

He's sexuality attracted to Billy Butcher.

"All right," John nods. "What do I do now?"

Bradley blinks, "Well, what do you want to do now? What do you want to happen between you and Billy?"

He thinks about it for a moment, and then comes to a decision.

"I want to fuck him."

Bradley spits out her orange juice. John rolls his eyes and hands Bradley a napkin.

"Get a hold of yourself, and tell me how I make him agree to that."

"John…" Bradley coughs, and shakes her head. "This isn't a game, all right? And Billy isn't like those presents that Vogelbaum gives you when you pass a test. He's a person, with his own thoughts and dreams and wishes. You're not going to be able to get a relationship or quick hookup with him by treating him like that."

He blinks at her, "You're not giving me any advice here."

Bradley groans and rubs her eyes, "Ok, ok. Let's see…one thing you can do is get to know him better, learn what you have in common, what you can enjoy doing together. Be kind to him, give him a reason to want to spend time with you. Become his friend-"

"That sounds like a plan."

"Wait, one last thing," Bradley raises her hand to stop John from getting up. "It's very important for you to understand that even if you do all these things, and even if Billy really likes you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he will want to sleep with you."

"Why wouldn't he?"

"Well, maybe he doesn’t find you attractive. Maybe he doesn't find any men attractive. Maybe he's already in a relationship."

John scowls, and Bradley's eyes widen a bit.

"Is he already in a relationship?"

"I think so," John thinks. He's not entirely sure. "He was definitely kissing Ruby."

Bradley sighs, "That sounds like he's in a relationship. I'm sorry, John."

"Don't be sorry, help me fix it!" John snaps.

"Fix it?"

"How do I make Ruby leave Billy? Or make Billy leave Ruby?" John bangs his hand on the table.

Groaning, Bradley shakes her head and says, "You shouldn't try. It's wrong. He won't thank you for breaking him up with his girlfriend, John. It won't make him yours."

"Of course not," John waves his hand. "That's just the first step."

"No, John-"

"Thank you for the advice," John says promptly, and decides to go back to his room and start reading his new books.

"Wait, John," Bradley calls out to him as he gets up and leaves the living room. "John?"

John slams the door behind him, he's done with her now.

\---

Billy isn't on the bus. He isn't on the first floor; he isn't on the second. He just isn't there.

As John takes a seat on the front of the bus, he has to point out to himself that it was a bit ridiculous of him to expect that Billy would be. The chances that they'd get on the exact same bus, when one comes every fifteen minutes, is pretty small. Besides, he'll see him in school soon enough.

Still, he's disappointed, he's not going to lie to himself. He wanted those few minutes, when it was just the two of them. At school, there are the other students and teachers and all the work Billy needs to get done in class (John hopes he'll have some work to do, some things to challenge him, but he's not hopeful), and he can't spend his whole time looking and talking to John.

In the bus yesterday, though, it had just been the two of them. John wants that again.

He sulks most of the way to the school, but as soon as he gets to his class and finds Billy there, his bad mood slinks out of him like water from a plastic bag with a hole in it.

They're starting with biology, so they're in a lab instead of the class from yesterday. The students are organized on long, while tables, each stand full of lab equipment. Billy is in the middle, like he was in the classroom. Ruby is on his right, and a boy John doesn’t know is on his left. Eva is seated in front of them, leaning backwards so Ruby can braid her long hair. The seat next to her has a bag on it, but when Eva catches sight of John she moves the bag and waves John to the seat, which is the closest currently available seat to Billy.

Eva smiles openly at him when he sits next to her, and it looks like she has something she wants to say to him, but right then the teacher walks into the room and Eva straightens away from Ruby's fingers and looks towards the teacher.

The first thirty minutes of the class have the teacher droning on and on about the _heart_ , and it's such rudimentary sort of information that John has to physically hold himself back from groaning out loud.

Behind him, Billy is having a hashed but animated conversation with the boy on his left about rugby. Clearly he's not fascinated by the teacher's talk either.

Eventually, the teacher trails off and assigns them some work from their book to do for the next hour.

John learns something about Billy through this. He's an autodidact, burrowing his nose in the explanations in the book for fifteen minutes before emerging and declaring that it's, "The easiest bleeding questions he's ever given us."

John finishes the question in five minutes, and that's only because he has to write in normal human speed. Back home, he would have done it in thirty seconds. Anything less and Vogelbaum would have been displeased with his performance.

A few minutes after he's done, Eva pats his arm lightly to get his attention.

"So, you're coming with us to the pubs after school, right?"

John nods and peeks over to Eva's book. She's only gone through two pages and three of the answers are wrong.

"Marvellous," Eva's cheeks are growing red, and she pushes a strand of hair out of her eyes. "It's always a good time."

She gives John a small smile and turns back to her book.

"Think Eva's got her eyes on you," John nearly jumps when suddenly Billy is _right there_ , whispering into his ear.

He wants to turn and talk to him, look at him, but he can't move suddenly.

"She's a good shag, I can tell you," Billy adds, still so close.

That confuses John enough that he manages to get ahold of his body, and turns to look at Billy. But just as he does, Billy gets back into place, playing with the pages of the books. John catches sight of the pages as they flip back and forth, and he hasn't made a single mistake.

"You and Eva…" He looks between Eva and Billy. Eva is back to working, biting her lip as she focuses. She's not paying attention to their conversation. "But aren't you with Ruby?"

Maybe Bradley had been wrong.

Billy snorts, "Yeah. Me and Eva, that lasted a day or so. Bloody good day, though."

"And Ruby?"

"Ruby? That's been goin' for two months or so," Billy tilts his head in thought. "She's a better shag, but you ain't gonna have her."

"Because she's with you," John nods. He can understand that.

But Billy snorts, "'Cause she ain't interested. Bloody hell, mate. Don't matter what I think."

"It doesn't?"

"Matters what she does," Billy squints at John and then grins. "Ah, forgot. Geezer in the sky head of your mum's place, yeah? Ever been with a lassie?"

John shakes his head.

"Well, suppose there's no point askin' if you've been with a lad, then."

John shakes his head again.

"Well," Billy raises his hands magnanimously. The over theatricality makes John grin. "Welcome to the bloody fantastic world of lads and lasses!"

"Mr. Butcher!" The biology teacher comes to a stop besides Billy, glaring down at him. He doesn’t look amused.

"Ah, apologizes, sir," Billy bows to the teacher, who lightly smacks him on the back of the head.

\---

During chemistry, John and Eva pair up to work on an experiment. He finds the material, again, rudimentary, but at least now he's actually got something to _do_. The experiment is fun, though he would have enjoyed it much more if he was partnered with Billy.

Eva giggles a lot during the experiment, and behind them he can hear Billy and Ruby talking to each other, making reference after reference for things that John has no way of understanding. He wants that, that casual understanding. It's something he never had with anyone.

When the big break comes, John follows Billy and his group to the cafeteria. Most of the students, including John, hand the worker some money and pile food on their plates. Billy, though, shows the cafeteria lady some kind of card and is then allowed to take his food. The slightly weary look on Billy's face when he glances at John makes him think that there is a connection between the card and Billy being on a scholarship, so he elects to ignore it. He's rewarded by a fleeting look of gratitude.

They sit together on one circular table, and as the meal goes on John can only find one word to describe it. Well, two words: holding court.

Billy sets there, leaning backwards on his chair as if it's a throne, eating with one hand and greeting the students when they come to greet him.

As far as John can figure out, the school is divided into groups. Billy's group is on the top of the pyramid and consists of Billy (obviously), Ruby, Eva, Monkey, two other boys that John doesn’t know and couldn't care enough to learn their names, and now, it seems, John.

Only Billy's group gets to sit at the table next to him. They sit on the table and talk much louder than any of the other students. And like in all the classes, they sit in the middle. The world revolves around them, and they revolve around Billy.

The other groups come to him. But he doesn’t seem to be enjoying his status as king. He's just so fucking charismatic that they come to him-and he endures it.

For some ungodly reason, it makes John want to fall on his knees in front of Billy.

He doesn’t like that feeling, but there it is.

He learns some more things about Billy during lunch. He learns that the place that Billy comes from is treated with ridicule not only by Ruby but the rest of the students. The condescending terms and tone of voice when referring to _the cockneys_ seems almost second nature to them, they don't even seem to realize that they're doing it. But whenever Billy catches them do it, they grow pale and mumble an apology.

It seems even stranger once he realizes that, how popular Billy is. It's as if he'd climbed his way to the top from the literal dirt at the bottom of the shoes of the least important student. It's like if the man who gives John his food in the morning back in the lab somehow rose to Vogelbuam's position. Yet here Billy is, the unchallenged king.

There is something strange, and confusing, and incredibly magnetic about that. John wants to learn every single thing that made this climb possible.

He also learns that Billy plays rugby and basketball, and he's terrible a the latter but for some reason has no problem admitting it. And that Billy has a cousin he's very close to, the daughter of his mother's brother. Her name is Lily. She comes up during an unconnected discussion about drugs. Billy announces that his cousin stole some good alcohol for him from the fancy hotel she works in. He's got a smile in his eyes when he talks about her, a warmth that John has not seen before. He doesn’t have that warmth when he looks at _Ruby_.

Maybe that means that he doesn't really care about Ruby all that much.

\---

After lunch they go back to the classroom from yesterday for four hours of English literature. Mr. Beckett comes into the room a few moments after the bell ring and greets the students with seeming genuine enthusiasm. The first two hours are dull but inoffensive lecture about _Dracula_. But during the third lesson, there's a moment that makes John…

Want to scream.

The students are writing a short essay about a comparison between Jonathan Harker and Mina Murray's interactions with Dracula. John is trying to write as slowly as he can, so he doesn’t have so long where he has to wait for the rest of the students to finish, but Billy is already done, and is yawning, playing with his pen.

"Are you done, Billy?" Mr. Beckett whispers as he comes to stand next to Billy. John blinks. He hasn't heard any of their teachers call any of the students by their first names. And he doesn’t like the way Beckett is whispering so low that only a few people around them and hear. It's like he's trying to create a personal space just for him and his student.

"Take a look," Billy hands the paper to Mr. Beckett, and Billy notices how their fingers touch each other for a moment.

The teacher skims the paper and then clicks his tongue, "Not bad. Not bad at all."

" _Not bad_? That all you got?"

"There are quite a few logical inconsistences in your arguments," Beckett replies. "But there's potential here. Why don't you come to my office today after class so we can talk about it?"

"Going on a pub crawl tonight. How about Monday?"

Should Billy be telling their teacher that?

"Monday after classes, then," And then he leans in to place the paper back on the table, and uses the moment his mouth is right next to Billy's ear to whisper into it, so low only Billy and John can hear, "Try not to come too exhausted this time, love. Last time could have been much better if you'd been fresher."

Love. He called Billy _love_.

And what did he mean by _last time_? Why did he want Billy to come see him? Could his paper really have been that bad?

John turns his head slightly to look at the paper as Billy smirks and turns away from the teacher. He reads it in moments. There are no logical inconsistences. It's a very good paper.


	5. Chapter 5

The bar is dark, and crowded, and it stinks. There's the smell of alcohol, of course, which is honestly bad enough as far as John is concerned. But there's also the stink of cigarettes coming from the outside tables, where smoking is allowed, the lighter smell of the strange devices on the tables (John has never seen anything like them before), and sweat. The sweat is coming mostly from the older men who are sitting on stools around the area where the drinks are being served. The younger people are spread out on the tables, or standing in corners whispering into each other's ear. But the older men are hunched down, limbs spread out on the bar's stone surface, eyes unseeing.

They look pathetic, and they smell worse. Most of the others patronizing the bar look to be in their twenties, or maybe thirties at the most. But these men are clearly in their forties and fifties. Their hair is whitening, their clothes are dirty and their hands shake.

Under all these smells, there's another one. John doesn't recognize this smell; he's never encountered it before. It's sharp, and bitter, but not unpleasant. This smell is coming mostly from the bathrooms, under the stench of feces and sewer. When John goes into the bathroom to piss, he manages to find the source of the smell: white patches on the ground and on the mirror, that look like something liquid that has dried and hardened. He touches it, and it crumbles in his fingers.

The bar is circler, full of wooden tables and chairs. Most of the chairs have pillows on them, but before they sat down on them, Billy and the girls had thrown the pillows on the floor. When asked why, Eva had replied, "You don't want to know what some people use these pillows for."

John had wanted to ask, but the grin on Eva's face made him think that the answer was quite obvious to her, and he would look stupid for asking it. Especially when Billy had added, "Got bite marks, some of them," which made both Eva and Ruby burst into laughter.

Unlike in school, Billy didn't choose a place in the middle for them. Instead they sit near the bar, but not too close. It's quite clear why they'd chosen that. Billy's giving the older men weary looks, and when one of them looks up and scans Eva, a bit of appreciation entering his empty eyes, Billy moves them to a table that's obscured by a large group of young men.

Billy gets up from their tables and returns a few minutes later holding a tray with four drinks on it in one hand, and the strange device in the other. It's long and thin, with four tubes attached to it. Billy places it on the table and sits down, handing out the drinks. John's is pink, with a straw and plastic umbrella on it.

"It's sweet," Billy informs John as he sniffs the drink. Billy is right, he can smell fruit and sugar, and the alcohol is less noticeable. It's not going to make a difference for him, since his taste buds are much stronger than humans, but if he was a mudperson he barely would have noticed the bitter alcohol. "Might make it easier."

"Thank you," John says quietly as Billy distributes the rest of the drinks. He clearly knows exactly what the two girls like, since they make approving little humming sounds when accepting theirs. Their drinks are similar to John's, colorful and fruity. Billy's though, smells of pure alcohol which just a touch of coke.

"Gimme," Ruby motions at the device, and Billy smirks, placing in the middle of the table.

Eva catches John's eye and leans over to whisper in his ear, "Hookah. It's for smoking."

When she passes him one of the tubes and their fingers brush against one another, he thinks she does it on purpose.

John doesn't like it. But he does like the way Billy's lips look when the smoke is fleeting from between them.

He takes a sip of his fruity drink, and grimaces. It's not as bad as the beer, but still. He's not sure what Billy and his friends see in the drinks. If they want to feel all high up in the air, why not just smoke like they had yesterday? That was good.

The two girls are drinking with their little fingers up in the air, dainty and gentle. Ruby's got her other hand on the back of Billy's neck, caressing the skin there gently.

They talk about school, a flow of information about their classmates. Who's dating who, who's mad at who. Who wants to be with who and so on and so forth. They talk a bit about their teachers, gossiping about each teacher's stupidest attribute, and when they get to Mr. Beckett John notices a small smirk entering Billy's face. He looks like he knows a secret that dwarfs everything else being said, but he's not going to tell it-because what would be the fun in that?

Before John can think about this too much, they're back to talking about their peers, and all the dramas of school. The big drama currently appears to be the fact that a boy called Jack is fucking a girl called Violet.

"Jack and Eva used to an item," Ruby explains to John. "Then the arse Jack fucked Vi during a party at my place. In my bloody _parents'_ room."

Eva scowls at the table as Billy adds, "And it ain't good for her standin' to be without a partner."

The scowl just gets deeper, and Eva gives a sideways glance at John, as if worried about his reaction. She's worried, he realizes, about what his reaction might be. He thinks about what Billy has just said. Does it hurt a student's status in the social eco-system of high school to be single? To be seen as _undesirable_?

That would make sense. One thing that John has learned in the past two days is that desirability, in all its different forms, is the most important commodity a student can possesses. Billy's status as head of the pyramid comes across through how everyone else desires to be his friend. The lower classes are there because no one desires to be theirs.

Those in the lower levels, though, could obtain desirability through other means. Some of them were intelligent, and good at school. And their help in that area became desirable. This wasn't sustainable, though. John had seen, earlier that day, how Ruby had pretended to desire the friendship of one of the lower classes, but then abandoned her as soon as she got what she had really been after- answers to a math question.

Romantic desire would just be another form of desire, wouldn't it? A potentially more powerful form, because it's more exclusive. As far as John can tell, there's a rule of monogamy in the school. If you're with one person, you can't be with another at the same time. So being with someone shows that person has a level of desirability far beyond that of other students. Not only are they desirable, they're so desirable that one is willing to forgo all other desires for that person.

Billy surrounds himself with the school elite, that's clear. So if John wants to stay next to him, he needs to be elite as well. If being in a relationship helps with that, he'll just have to figure out how to get that done.

Well, no, he already knows. Eva is offering him the perfect solution. He thinks quickly, and then says, "That's Jack's loss, I think."

The brown-haired girl is beaming. She really is beautiful. This won't be so bad. And the smirk Billy throws at him, as if they're sharing something, a common understanding the girls aren't privy to, makes it all worth it.

"What about you, John?" Ruby asks, continuing to caress Billy's hair. He seems to like it quite a lot, tilting his head towards her fingers. "Do you have someone waiting for you back in the new world?"

" _New world_ , eh, Rubs? Least you ain't callin' it the colonies nomore."

"Of hush, Billy," Ruby rolls her eyes and turns back to John, clearly waiting for a response.

He hesitates. On the one hand, he doesn’t want to lie and say that he has, because then he might be expected to show his abilities in that area. But on the other hand, if this is important to his social standing, he should not tell the girls and Billy that he doesn’t have that. If they think that back in his old school no one wanted to be with him, that wouldn't be good either.

Bradley had not been entirely stupid when she told John to say he comes from a religious background. Religious people are often home schooled, aren't they? John had read an article about the phycological effects of home schooling when he was eight, and he remembers that piece of information.

"No," John shakes his head. "I never went to school, so I didn't really have the opportunity to meet anyone."

"What, you were homeschooled? Your mum taught you?" Billy snorts, and Ruby scowls at him.

"Don't be unpleasant, love," She chides. "I'm sure John had a lovely time learning with his mum."

"My dad taught me, actually," John says quietly, and Ruby winces.

"I'm sorry, John, I didn't mean to be insensitive."

John blinks at her for a moment before remembering his father is supposed to be dead and shakes his head, "It's fine."

"Well, I think this explains quite a bit, don't it?" Billy nods to himself. "Why you're so…bloody odd at times."

"Billy!" Ruby and Eva yell at the same time, but Billy just grins and drowns the last of his drink.

"Well, if I'm odd, what does it say about you for hanging out with me?" John asks. It seems like the type of response that Billy would appreciate.

He does, letting out a hearty laughter, and then the conversation moves on to different topics. John notices that Eva has shuffled her seat a bit closer to him, and moves himself, so they're inches away from each other. Then a hand lands on John's knee, and he doesn’t need to look to know it's Eva's. She's warm and vibrating with life, and he wonders if Billy will feel the same when they touch.

He can wait to find out. In the meantime, he'll practice with the girl.

\---

"We should have another party at yours, Eva," Ruby says, waving her hands in the air. They're in their third bar of the night, a small and cozy place divided into booths. There's a lot more privacy in this one, and John reclines on the cushions, looking out the window and wondering why they hadn't just started with it.

The bartender in this place seemed to know Billy. He'd greeted him with a jovial, "Willy me lad! Back so soon, eh?"

"Not as soon as some," Billy had replied, and a man by the bar had slapped him on the back of the head.

"Respect for yours elders, laddie," The man had said, and then Billy had burst into laughter and skipped to one of the booths.

"How often do you come here?" John had asked while the girls went to get them something to eat (to sober up so they could drink more, Ruby had explained).

"Eh, used to more," Billy had shrugged. "Don't got much time now, do I?"

"Before you started going to St. Matthew's?" John asked. "Is this near your home?"

Billy had snorted, sounding amused and just a little bit bitter, "You think I live in this nice part of town, do you? Used to work in this bar."

Billy is now leaning on the window. He's sitting in front of John, his eyes nearly closed. He doesn’t seem to be interested in the girls' conversation, caressing Ruby's head while she places her head on his chest. They look so beautiful together, the two most stunning members of the school. John knows that he's attractive, he knows that he has a perfect body, and a face without a single blemish. He's more beautiful then Billy, but Billy…Billy is more stunning.

Eva grins, placing another French fry in her mouth, "All right. This weekend my parents are flying to Paris."

"Saturday night, then," Ruby nods.

Eva turns to look at John, smiling shyly (it doesn’t look real), "You'll come?"

_Here we go._

"I'll come."

\---

When the night is over, Billy and John go on the bus back home. Eva and Ruby apparently live next to each other, and take a different bus that will bring them to their _'bloody posh neighborhood'_ , as Billy puts it. When it's time for John to get off the bus, John gets up but stops when Billy puts a hand on his arm.

He can feel electricity pulses through his arm, and his whole body grow warm and fuzzy.

"You doin' anythin' tomorrow?" Billy asks.

"Just our homework," That's a lie, it will take him maybe five minutes to do the homework. He doesn’t have anything else to tell, though, and he's not going to say, _oh, I'm not doing anything, I'm that fucking pathetic_.

Billy nods, "I'll come over then, right?"

_Yes!_

"Yeah, come over. Whenever you want."

\---

Bradley is asleep when John walks in. He can hear her breathing softly on the sofa in the living room area. She's still dressed in the clothes she had on when John had left for school that morning, and the TV is on, showing some animated cartoon that seems to be there since no one knows what to put on the network at two in the morning.

She seems to have fallen asleep waiting for him to come home. But when he walks over to the kitchen there's no food waiting for him, so what she was doing while waiting is beyond John.

He's not hungry, and doesn’t really feel like dealing with Bradley right now, so instead of waking Bradley up to get him food, he heads for his room.

After depositing his bag on the chair and shedding his jacket, John grabs a pair of sweatpants to wear for the night. He steps back out of the room, intent on going to shower, but Bradley is right in front of his nose.

"You're back," Bradley mumbles, stepping away from John and yawning, "What time is it?"

"Two," John replies. "Why didn't you get any food ready for me?"

Bradley frowns, "I didn't know when you'd be back."

"You should have got something ready that could wait in the fridge," He's not sure why he needs to tell her that. Has she learned nothing from her time with Vogelbaum? Rolling his eyes, he opens the bathroom door and walks in.

"Are you hungry?" Bradley asks.

"Not particularly."

"Then why-" Bradley catches herself and breathes out slowly. "Never mind. Do you want me to make you something or not?"

"No need," John waves his hand. "I need to shower."

He closes the door on her face.

The hot water makes John's tense body relax, and he leans his forehead on the tiles as the smells of the bars are washed off of him. The night had been long and, in places, confusing. He wants to do it all over again. He wants to be able to see Billy drunk again. By the end of the night, Billy had been so calm, spreading himself over the tables and chairs, the lines of his body relaxed and open. So beautiful.

When John steps out of the bathroom, still drying his hair, he finds that Bradley hasn't gone to sleep yet, but is sitting on the sofa, rubbing her hands together.

"John," Bradley says softly, motioning to the chair in front of her. "Can we talk?"

Shrugging, John does as she asks. "What would you want to talk about?"

Bradley gives him a small smile, "How did it go tonight? What did you do?"

"We went to three bars," John starts. "We got drunk, but then we ate to get sober. But then we drank some more."

"How much did you drink? After you ate, I mean."

John thinks for a moment, "Four drinks."

"What? Four?" Bradley blinks. "How are you not drunk right now?"

"The bus ride took half an hour."

"Half an hour…that's not enough time to sober people up," Bradley frowns for a moment and then shakes her head. "I shouldn’t be surprised. Your metabolism is probably remarkably quick."

John rolls his eyes. That means that his metabolism will probably just get faster. Everything in his body becomes stronger and better over time. In a few years, he won't' be able to get drunk at all. Shame. He likes how he doesn't need to think so much when he's drunk. He especially likes how the world, which is usually so loud and bombarding him with information, quiets down when he's drunk.

"I should tell Vogelbaum about this," That gets John's attention, and he looks up at her sharply. She hurriedly adds, "He's not going to be upset. This is why he send us here, for you to have the experience of a normal teen. Drinking is part of that."

"He won't like it."

"You don't know that."

"I do," How stupid does she think he is?

"John-"

"Shut up," She can't tell Vogelbaum. He'll be furious, he'll say John was irresponsible for allowing himself to lose control. He'll force him to come home.

He'll take him away from Billy.

Bradley swallows, looking with wide eyes as John stands up. He makes his eyes glow red as he walks towards her.

"John-" She tries again.

"I said," John sneers, grabbing Bradley by the neck and pulling her up. "Shut _up_."

He's only an inch or so taller than her- he's still growing- so he flouts in the air, forcing her up so only her toes touch the floor, and tightens his hold on her neck. She's gasping, chocking, heartrate fluttering and eyes wide with panic. She claws at him, trying to pry his fingers from her skin.

"If you tell Vogelbaum," He hisses. "I will kill you. So, so slowly. It will make what I did to Miss Whatever-Her-Name-Was look like a pat on the back by comparison. I am a fucking god, I will know if you disobey me. And I will destroy you, obliterate you from this earth, if you do. Am I clear?"

She nods, frantically, at which point John squeezes one more time, just to get his point across, and then throws her on the ground. Bradley lands with a thud, and lays there, panting. Her neck is already starting to sport bruises, and John watches them bloom with fascination. He did that. Those are his finger prints.

A wave of pleasure rushes through him.

"I've changed my mind," John says dryly, levitating back to his chair. "Make me something to eat."


	6. Chapter 6

Billy shows up at around eleven the next day. John hears him on the bus a few minutes before he reaches his place, and he's waiting, ready, in front of the door when Billy knocks. He waits a few seconds, so it doesn't look like he's waiting by the door, and takes the time to look Billy over without Billy knowing.

It's the first time he's seen Billy in anything but their school uniform, in what he wears when he gets to choose. Billy has a pair of tattered jeans on, a beaten down pair of sneakers that have seen better days, and a black sweater that is a bit too big for him, so only the tips of his fingers are visible. His hair is slicked back a bit, and he's got a bit of fuzz on his jaw where he hasn't shaved yet. There are deep circles under his eyes, he clearly hadn't slept at all since yesterday (well, earlier in the morning, to be fair).

John counts to twelve in his mind, then opens the door.

"John! That was quick," Billy grins, pushing past John with no shame.

"Come in, why don't you?" John rolls his eyes, closing the door behind Billy.

Billy stands in the middle of the room, looking up and down, taking everything in with his clever blue eyes. He's not sure what Billy sees, what he reads about John's pretend life in the objects strewn around the room, the pictures Bradley placed on the walls, photo-shopped images of John, her and their 'mother', a beautiful blond with her hands around John's shoulder. And there are pictures of little blond boys in different stages of life. They're meant to be John. He tries not to look at them.

There are other pictures, of Bradley and a dark-skinned man that he supposes is meant to be her father, and of a young girl that…must be Bradley, her actual pictures from her actual childhood. He's found himself wondering, while Bradley was putting the pictures up, if there are any pictures of him from those years. Did Vogelbaum keep any of the surveillance done on him when he was a baby? He can remember cameras there when he was crawling around, he can remember looking in the mirrors and seeing himself. Why hadn't they put his real pictures on the walls? Do none exist?

"Oh, you must be Billy."

Billy and John both turn to see Bradley coming down the stairs. She's got a turtleneck sweater on, hiding the finger marks John has left on her skin, and she looks even more exhausted then Billy. Her hair, which is usually carefully combed and braided, now springs out, messy, all over her head, and she's forgotten to put on any makeup.

"Ay, mum," John's quite sure Billy said _ma'am_ , though it doesn’t sound like that at all.

"I'm Jess," Bradley comes to stand next to Billy. "John's sister."

"William Butcher. Pleasure."

Bradley smiles, looking Billy up and down. John feels his teeth clench and grind. He doesn't like the way Bradley is looking at Billy, assessing him. If she had a bad assessment of him, would she tell Vogelbaum that he's hanging out with the wrong crowd? Try and separate them?

When she turns to look at him, John makes a barely detectible motion towards the door. He doesn’t want her and Billy to be anywhere near one another. He doesn't want Vogelbaum to look at Billy like he looks at him. As a lad rat.

"Well, it's nice to meet you," Bradley clears her throat, moving towards the front door, grabbing the purse sitting there. "Try to behave, boys, I'll be back later tonight. Call if you need me, John."

"We won't," John says shortly, and closes the door behind her.

"All right then!" Billy says brightly when it's just the two of them. "Show me your place?"

\---

He gives Billy a very quick tour of the house, the outdoor area, Bradley's room and the bathroom, and then they head to his room, where Billy becomes incredibly excited.

Apparently, he's got all the newest games that have only just come out and that Billy has been waiting desperately to play.

"None of the lads have got it yet," He says happily. John has to stop himself from asking why Billy hasn't gotten the game for himself. The tattered clothes are answer enough for that. So instead he tells Billy that his sister got him all the games, since she wasn't sure what he would like- he's never been allowed video games in his mother's home.

That seems to shock Billy more than anything John has told him so far, and he gives John a look that makes it seem as if he thinks John's been deprived of something essential to his life. He then declares that they need to fix this right away, and the two of them sit on John's bed in front of the screen. They start with the game that Billy is so excited about, something called _Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic_. Apparently there are movies like it as well, which Billy manages to find in the stack of movies he found in the boxes. They play the game (or Billy plays while John watches) and then they move on to some sort of sports game where they play tennis against each other.

Billy beats John at the beginning, but he's a quick learner and before long they're evenly matched. Billy clearly doesn’t get to play these games as often as he would like, since his eyes are sparkling with excitement, and he's nearly bouncing in his seat. It makes John want to tell Bradley to buy him more of those video game devices that he can give Billy, but he doesn’t think it would be appreciated. And he doesn't want to anger Billy by wounding his pride.

After a few hours of that, Billy and John are both starving, so they stop their game to get something to eat. John offers to order them something, but Billy waves him off.

"Let's make somethin'," He says, marching over to the fridge and swinging it open. "Lookit, meat."

"Meat?" John scrunches his nose. There isn't anything appealing in the word meat. Meat is appealing when someone else makes something out of it for him.

"Don't look at me like that, mate," Billy says cheerfully. "Nothin' wrong with a good meaty meal."

They end up making meatballs with a huge amount of spaghetti. Billy is in charge of the process, of course, with John being given orders and silently obeying. He doesn’t mind, it's so fun just watching Billy go. He clearly knows exactly what he's doing, has done this many times before, and could probably do it while sleeping. He talks while he cooks, giving John little snippets into his life.

It seems that Billy does a lot of cooking at home. When he puts a spice in the pot he tells John, "Can't put much of that at home. Me mum ain't a fain."

And then his expression turns stony, but just for a second before he moves to talk about how the owner of the bar where he worked taught him how to make cocktails.

After they put the meat on to cook, which Billy claims should take about an hour, they bring a stack of movies to the living room. Billy wants to show John the _Star Wars_ movies, that are apparently very important for him to see.

"The fourth one," Billy declares. "Don't watch the first or second. Ain't good."

"What about number three?"

"Ain't out yet. Me hopes ain't high."

What? Deciding it wasn't worth trying to understand it, John joins Billy on the sofa and leans back to watch the movie. In the middle of the movie, Billy gets up to get their food, and they eat on the sofa while watching.

John can't look away from the screen. He's never seen anything like it. It's space- but it's not real. He's seen samurai movies and clips of space. It's both there, together.

 _Fantasy_ , it's called. John has never been allowed to see a fantasy movie. Or si-fi movie.

"Let's see another one," John demands when the movie's over. "Is there another one of those?"

"Knew you'd like it."

\---

Bradley comes back home when they're in the middle of the second movie (which is the fifth movie, actually). John doesn’t look up when she comes in, but Billy waves at her and murmurs a polite greeting.

"I see you boys are enjoying yourself," Bradley walks over to run her fingers through John's hair. He stiffens for a moment, confused, and then forces himself to relax. That's what a loving sister would do, returning to her brother. He allows the fingers in his hair, and even tilts his head towards them. It feels nice. "I'll leave you two to it. Would like some dinner?"

"We made food," John says, and then adds, because he doesn’t want Billy to think he's rude to his sister, "Thanks."

"You did?" Bradley's eyes widen. She looks pleased. "Good for you, boys."

Billy's smile explodes over his face, as if he's not used to compliments for that.

"Well, I'll leave you to it," Bradley rubs John's hair again before going up the stairs and disappearing.

"Nearly forgot," Billy says, curling on the sofa with his blanket. "You comin' to the party at Evie's, yeah?"

"On Saturday, right?"

"That right," Billy nods. "Should be good. Eva's place is bloody huge, she got a pool."

John's swam in pools before, but he's never done that while other people were in the pool as well. That should be interesting.

"Eva's quite tasty, ain't she?"

Assuming that means attractive, John nods.

"If anythin' happens," Billy's voice takes on a darker tone, and John blinks at him, a bit taken aback. "And you and her…you hurt her, and I'll shit in your mum's best china, yeah?"

"I won't hurt her," John promises. He thinks he's telling the truth, but if she annoys him, well, he might. But then again, if he hurts her, she'll probably tell someone.

Billy won't like that.

"I won't hurt her," He promises again, and this time he means it a bit more.

\---

"John! You made it!" Eva grins as she opens the door to the huge mansion and pulls John in. The music is blaring, and he can tell by the smell that the alcohol has already started flowing. He looks around as Eva takes his hand and starts leading him through the rooms. He recognizes a lot of the party goers, but the vast majority are unfamiliar to him. A lot of them look older- college students, in all likelihood.

The huge rooms are dark, with only little fairy lights to illuminate the party goers. John catches a few people that are throwing ping-pong balls into red cups before whooping and grinning and then drinking from the cups.

"We've been waiting for you," Eva calls out, pulling John through an arch into what looks like a sitting room. There are enormous sofas and a fuzzy carpet, in front of a huge TV, which is currently showing some video game.

John looks past all the people siting on the sofas and on the floor, laughing and drinking, talking and playing together on the large screen. He looks past them, not caring much, because there's something there that draws his eyes like a moth gets drawn to a flame.

Billy is sitting on the sofa, reclining backwards on the cushions, his feet rested on the coffee table in front of him. And his lap is full. Of Ruby.

She's dressed in a short dress, exposing her long white legs. Her hair is tied back, with a few blond locks escaping to trail her cheek. Her hands are resting on Billy's shoulder, her back is arched, and he can see the bones of her spine moving up and down. Ruby's cheeks are red and flushed, and her fingernails are all red as blood.

Billy and her are locked together, lips colliding and retreating, tongues meeting in the middle. Billy is gasping, harsh and hard, his hand in between Ruby's legs. John can't see what he's doing down there, but when Billy's fingers twitch slightly, quirking to the side, Ruby gasps, throwing her head backwards. She groans, loud and…

_Lustful._

John feels a heat pool in his pants. It's the strangest feeling he's ever experienced, nearly painful and uncomfortable, but pleasant all the same.

And Billy…Billy is grinning at Ruby, pride flashing through his eyes. He's proud of reducing her to this state, where her eyes are unseeing and her body shivering, entire taken over by lust. Lust created by Billy.

He enjoys causing lust. He enjoys the control it gives him.

John turns to look at Eva as she leads him to the sofa. If John does that to Eva, will she react in the same way?

If he does that to Billy, how would _he_ react?

\---

"Would you like to see my room?" Eva whispers into John's ear a while later. They're sitting by the pool, with their legs in the water, splashing. Billy has disappeared a few minutes earlier, being tugged away by a grinning and flushed Ruby. He hadn't looked any less of a mess himself, his hair all over the place and his lips swollen from the kissing. John had watched him leave, unable to look away until he disappeared from view.

Eva is tilting her head slightly, her chin resting on his shoulder. He can smell the alcohol on her breath, and can see the way her eyeballs are blown out. He looks down at her lips, the way her tongue comes out to lick it. He knows what she means by that.

John's been drinking on and off throughout the night, calculating how long it took before the fuzz disappeared from his mind. He's come to the conclusion that to go from entirely drunk (plastered, that's how the Brits are calling it) to stone-cold sober takes him around fifteen minutes. 

It's not sustainable, especially when he considers the fact that he needs to pee all the time while drinking. It's not fun. Right now, he's sober again, and he thinks that's probably good. He needs his head clear for what's about to come.

"Yes," He nods. "Show me?"

Eva smiles and the two go into the mansion.

"I locked the door to my room, so there shouldn't be anyone there," Eva says as she goes up the white circular staircase that leads to a long hallway full of doors. Most of them are open, showing an enormous bedroom (probably the master bedroom), two offices, a TV room and a library. Each have at least one couple in it.

John can't tell see much of what they're doing, since Eva is pushing him quickly through the hallway. But he can smell, and what he can smell is the same unfamiliar, strange scent from the bar bathroom.

They're groaning like Ruby had, before.

Eva leads him into her bedroom and locks the door behind them. John takes one look around while he follows Eva to her four-poster bed. The room is obnoxiously pink, and Eva's got two television screens.

Which is not bad.

He sits on the bed with Eva, and for a moment they stare at one another. and then Eva licks her lips once, twice, and moves.

Her lips are soft and warm when they touch his, and he feels a buzzing of electricity being transmitted between them. She kisses him softly, and he sits there, unsure of what to do.

 _Tongue_. he saw Billy use tongue, that has to be something he can do right now. Carefully, John slips his tongue past his lips and licks at Eva's lower one.

"Yes," Eva whispers, and throws her leg over John's lap. "Do that again."

He does, and while Eva settles on his lap, her tongue comes out as well, and touches his. It's wet and slippery, but it feels good when Eva's tongue circles his a few times.

She's fitting right on his dick, and wiggles her ass hard while her arms go to surround John's neck. It makes his crotch _wake up_ , and he feels that strange sensation again, the one that's almost but not quite pain.

"That's good, right John?" Eva whispers against his lips before pushing into his mouth again. This time he knows what to do, at least a bit, and he puts his tongue into Eva's mouth and does the circling motion. The groan she lets out sounds promising, so he tries to think about what else he saw Billy do for Ruby. Hands on her ass. Right.

He does that. Eva's wearing a pair of skin-tight jeans, her ass is small and firm and fits perfectly in his hands. It feels nice to hold and squeeze, and he uses it to bring Eva closer to him.

"You sure this is your first time?" Eva pants. "You're a bloody natural."

John's a quick learner, that's always been true. Still, it's good to know this subject is no different. By the time he gets Billy in this position, he'll be so fucking good Billy will forget all about Ruby, Eva, and anyone else he's happened to fuck over the years.

"Thanks," John replies and then decided to take a gamble. He flips them over, throwing Eva on the bed and leaning over her.

That seems to be a good action to take, since Eva's lets out a surprised but pleased laugh and grins up at John, her arms hooked around his neck.

John hesitates for a moment and looks down at her. Her brown hair is spread around her head like a halo, her eyes are sparkling with lust, he can see her breasts down her low-cut shirt and they rise and fall as she breathes.

"What are you thinking about?" Eva asks softly.

"That you're very beautiful." John responds, because sometimes the truth is more useful then lies.

Eva blushes deep red and tugs John closer, "Come here, love."

 _Love_. He wonders if that's what Billy will call him.

\---

By the end of the night, John knows what the strange smell is.

It's the smell of _sex_.


	7. Chapter 7

_He hurt me, and told me not to tell you._

Vogelbaum stares at the message on the computer screen and breathes out softly. He's not surprised, how could he be? But he'd hoped that it would take longer than this.

Rubbing his face, the doctor thinks. He doesn’t want to pull the plug on this endeavor. From what he hears from Jess, it seems that this is going well. John is making _friends_ , he has a _crush_. He's experiencing normative sexual feelings (it would be even better if he ends up being homosexual and not bisexual, reduce the chance of him having children out of Vogelbaum's control to zero, but he'll take what he can get).

Even his hurting of Jess can be seen as healthy, from a certain point of view. He doesn’t want to be taken away from this new life he's just been given. It had been…well, it could have been better, of course. But John had always had a bit of a control issue.

Still, despite how pleased Vogelbaum is by the situation, he can't exactly let things stand as they are. John can't be allowed to roam the world thinking that squeezing the life out of people when they annoy him is a valid course of action. He's going to need to have a long conversation with the boy.

The problem is that he can't fly to London right away and confront John. The boy isn't dumb, if Vogelbuam shows up a day after her hurt Jess, he'll know she defied him and told what he did. Since one of John's new friends have already seen Mina, she can't be replaced by another worker if John loses his control again.

He writes back to Jess, _Keep him under control for the week, I'll be there next Sunday to talk to him._

It takes Jess nearly ten minutes to reply. She must have been hoping for a different reaction. Had she thought she would be allowed to leave? She's not that stupid, surely?

Eventually she does reply.

_If that's what you want._

It is. And it's good to know that he still has some control over his people. Hopefully that is also still true for John.

\---

John lays on his bed, spread out. His skin is warming slowly from the sun peeking through the curtains. He's gotten home a few minutes ago, ignoring Bradley's hesitant enquiry as to how it had gone. He didn't want to stay anywhere near her, stomping to the bathroom to wash the smell of sex off of him. He'd then soaked his pants in water and left them on the floor. The wet patch on them would have been a dead giveaway.

He feels odd, a bit detached from his own mind. The experience he had just gone through was so different from anything else he'd ever felt that it was a bit difficult to square it with the normal, boring world he's used to. It was so much stronger.

John bites his tongue and looks down at his exposed dick (he's thrown his towel on the floor and hadn't bothered to dress afterwards). It's laying flat in between his legs now, and it's a bit hard to remember that a few hours ago it had buried deep-deep in Eva's warm vagina, vibrating with energy and pleasure.

"Fuck," John groans, collapsing back down on the pillows and rubbing his face. He had never felt anything as powerful as the feeling of ejaculating inside of Eva. He'd never done that before, he'd never even touched that part of himself. It never occurred to him to try, he didn’t think there was any point to it.

Boy, had he been wrong.

It would probably feel different, if it was his hand instead of Eva's, and he'd have to continue until he came, instead of pushing into someone else when he was hard enough. His guess is that it wouldn't be as good. Still, he wants to try.

Carefully, John moves his hand down, sitting up as he goes. He hesitates for a moment when his hand reaches his thigh, and then forces himself to touch the head of his cock.

Immediately, a jolt of pleasure rushes through him, and he's taken aback by how fucking quick that was. Had had always been this sensitive down there? What a fucking waste. He could have been spending all his boring nights doing this.

More sure of himself, John pushes his thumb hard on the tip of his dick, rubbing back and force. The pleasure makes him shiver and his legs jump up, unable to stay in place. He needs to learn to control himself. John closes his eyes, and his mind immediately takes him far away. He imagines himself sitting in a silent and sundrenched park, naked and comfortable. Billy is there, his body snaking over John's.

Billy is naked in his imagination as well, and his body is very different from John's. It's long and graceful, like an acrobat's, and he knows how to use it, as well. Like Eva had done before, Billy places himself on John's lap, grinding down. But this time, there is no wet cunt to rub against. Instead, their dicks meet and touch, and John just knows that that would be better then any hands, better then anything Eva could offer him.

Billy is grinning at him, his hand cupping the back of John's neck, and John feels the same way he does whenever he watches Billy presiding over his court in school. Like he wants to fall on his knees and offer allegiance to this boy, allow him to control him. He's used to people telling him what to do, but he's never wanted it as badly as he does with Billy.

_I don't want to think, I don't want to decide, I don't want to be the Homelander. Do if for me?_

Billy nods, pushing John closer to him. They're lips are inches away from each other, and John wants to kiss him. But, reading his thought (being a figment of John's imagination probably helps with that) Billy smirks and shakes his head.

_Please?_

But Billy shakes his head again, pushing John away so he collapses on the ground. He wants to move, to take the kiss from Billy despite his wishes, but Billy had told him no. And obeying sends a thrill down his spine, knowing that despite what Billy thinks, the true power lays with John. As soon as he grows tired of this he can take whatever he wants, and his strength would make it impossible for Billy to deny him.

Billy's hands are on him, and for now he doesn’t want to push him away, doesn’t want to take that kiss. He wants to lay like this, possibly forever. He wants Billy's hands to be real, to learn what his hands truly feel like. He's imagining them to feel like Eva's, the only point of reference that he has. But it won't be her.

Billy is nothing like her-

John gasps, eyes flying open and staring down. The white cream is staining the sheets in front of him. He stares at it, inhaling the smell of sex once again. That was quick.

"We should do this again," Eva had told him when he said goodbye to her that morning. "Maybe go out some time?"

He'd said yes, even though he had no interest in going out with her. What was the point, if Billy wasn't there? The only thing he could get out of her was her pliable body.

Billy had taken the bus with him back home, clearly still a bit drunk. They hadn't spoken one word to each other, but the silence felt comfortable, not strange at all. And when John had gotten off, Billy had smiled at him, exhausted but genuine.

John grins to himself at the memory. He's going to see Billy on Monday morning, around twenty-eight hours from now. That's not a very long time, really. It _feels_ like a very long time, though.

It feels like forever.

Getting up, John decides that laying on his bed is not going to help the time move faster.

Bradley is in the kitchen when John comes out. She's wearing a turtle neck again, a light blue one this time, and her hair is tied in a tight braid. John leans against the wall and watches her silently for a moment. She reminds him of Eva. Not that the two look alike, but they both have an elegant fragility to them, small wrists that could break with a single sharp twist. He wonders what it would feel like to have her under him. She wouldn't like it, would she? She'd probably struggle, and cry. Would she scream for Vogelbuam, forgetting for a moment how far away they were from the man, how he couldn't keep her safe?

How would she feel, deep inside? Better then Eva? The exact same? And most importantly, how would either of them compare to Billy? How different would it feel, with a man?

He didn't want to think about it. He knew that it would be different, and would require him to…do some more research. And he had absolutely no idea how he would do that.

Clearing his throat, John walks over to the kitchen," Morning."

"Jesus Christ!" Bradley yells as the bowl she'd been stirring goes flying into the air. John tracks it with his eyes, seeing as it crashes to the ground and spills brown batter all over the floor.

"What are you making?" John asks, curious.

"I am-I was, making muffins," Bradley shakes her head, pointing at another bowl that's sitting on the counter. "It was supposed to be chocolate and vanilla muffins, to test which we preferred, but I guess we'll have to keep the chocolate for next time."

John squints at her for a moment. Why is she doing this? She's afraid of him, the quick beating of her heart is a dead giveaway to that. Yet here she is, trying to sweeten him up.

 _That's_ because _she's afraid_ , he thinks. _She wants to be on my good side._

And if John had not been able to hear her heart, he wouldn't have known that. He would have through that she simply wanted to make him feel good, that she cared about what he liked.

Was this how most people experienced the world? Living their life with no absolute way to know what was real and what was not in the reactions of others?

Pathetic.

"Muffins for breakfast?" He thinks that over.

"With eggs, and other things."

"Good," Because that wouldn't be enough. He sits down on the counter and watches Bradley clean up the mess she'd made.

"I'm glad you took a shower when you came bac-"

"Bradley, how do men fuck?"

He's not going to lie, one of the main reasons he asked the question was to see her response, which doesn't disappoint.

She lets out a small scream, jumping ridiculously high in the air, and once again something goes crashing into the ground. This time, though, it's only the roll of paper she's using to clean up. It does fall into the batter on the floor, so-not ideal.

"John-" Bradley groans, "Are you trying to freak me out?"

"Yes, it’s very amusing," John replies. "But I also really do want to know. For Billy."

"How are things going there?" Bradley asks carefully.

"Good," John looks down at his fingers as they play around. She hadn't liked the idea of him going after someone who's already in a relationship, and she'd probably like it even less if he told her that he's officially in a relationship as well, with someone esle (besides, he doesn't want Vogelbaum to know about him losing his virginity). She would like it if got into the kind of relationship he has with Eva only with Billy, wouldn't she? "He broke up with Ruby last night. Then he kissed me."

That would be a good start.

"Oh."

Looking up, John finds Bradley by the sink, throwing the bowl in. She turns to look at him, studying him carefully. He stares back at her.

"That might be moving a bit too fast," She tries. "He just broke up?"

"I'm not going to complain."

"No," Jess mumbles, "I suppose you're not."

She doesn't believe him, and John suddenly feels very stupid for a moment before he pushes the thought away. He's not stupid. He's a god. She's stupid. Billy's stupid for not seeing how much better John would be for him. Ruby is a stupid slut for trying to take Billy away, Eva is a stupid bitch for existing.

John glares at Bradley, "I don't need your judgment or your opinion on my actions, Bradley. That's not why you're here."

"No, it very much is why I'm here," Bradley snaps. "To help guide you into adulthood!"

"I don't need guidance, I just need information," John snarls back at her. "And if you think that there's anything else you can or should do for me then you're fucking wrong. I would suggest you stop, you don't want me complaining to Vogelbaum about your behavior, do you?"

"He won't react the way you think he will," Bradley replies quietly. "I don't think you understand what he wants."

"Enough! I've fucking had it with you," John pounds his fists on the counter, breaking it in two.

Bradley yells, fear clear in her voice, and for a moment John just stares down at the broken surface. He hadn't planned on doing that. Then he shakes his head roughly and pushes himself away from the stool.

"I'm leaving," He says sharply. "I'll come back…when I feel like it."

\---

This is another new thing that he needs to get used to: having to decide how to spend his time. Back home, he wakes up in the morning and waits. From the moment Vogelbaum or one of his cronies come into the room, his day is laid out to him, structured to the last second, and there isn’t one moment where he has to stop and say, _now what?_

Now he's got our and hours ahead of him.

John gets on the first bus he comes across, and then switches to the tube. He ends up, probably on purpose on some level, though he hasn't planned on doing so, at the bar they'd gone to on their pub crawl, the one Billy used to work at.

It seems that during the day the bar is turned into a café. When John walks in, he catches the eyes of the worker manning the bar, the same one that had greeted Billy.

"Oi, laddie! You one of little Willy's mates, ain't ya?" He calls out cheerfully as he cleans an empty coffee pot.

"Yes," John replies and comes to sit at the bar. The only other person on the bar is another man, pretty handsome and around his mid-twenties. "I'm Billy's friend."

"And a Yank," The man sitting at the bar points out. "The lad must love that. He always enjoyed exotic things."

John looks at the man, with the small smile on his face. A _knowin_ g smile. Like he's aware of something about Billy that makes this a hilarious private joke.

Billy likes _exotic_ things. Billy likes things that are _different_. Billy doesn't want to only fuck the familiar girls in school. They can't give him that rush.

Billy likes something different. It hits John with strength of a freight train screaming towards him at top speed (and he knows what it feels like to be hit by one, he'd had it done to him at five): Billy has slept with this man. And by the way he's watching John now, this man wants to sleep with _him_ as well. He'd wanted to learn what it meant to sleep with a man-here is his chance.

So he smiles at the man, putting on an air of innocence and shyness, and shuffles a bit closer to him.

\---

The man had introduced himself as Allan, and had taken him to his apartment close to the bar. His kisses had been rougher than Eva, and his lips weren't soft like hers. John had allowed it, unsure of if that was expected, and allowed himself to be led to the bedroom.

"Have you done this before?" Allan had asked, picking a tube up from the stand next to the bed. John had looked at it, wondering what it possibly could be for.

"With a girl," John replied, and sat down on the bed. While the man coated his fingers with a white slick that slipped out of the tube, he quickly took his clothes off. He didn't want this to last longer then it needed to be.

When the man had turned back, his eyes had widened, taking John in, "Well. Aren't you beautiful?"

John glares at him. He doesn’t like the purring noise the man is making.

"Shall we get started?"

\---

 _Well,_ John think as he pants, looking down at the bleeding and burnt man underneath him. _That probably could have gone better._

\---

John exits the bathroom, moving back to the bedroom where he left the dead body and looking down at the man on the bed, now wearing his clothes again after a long, hot shower. He'd needed to get all the blood off of him as soon as possible, all the blood that had sprayed as he punched and punched and _punched,_ breaking bone after bone on the man's soft body, and then he'd burned him a bit-just because he could.

Sneering, John walks over to the bed. The thing on it no longer looks like a man, it looks like a mass of meat and broken pieces, all swimming in a soup of blood. He likes this look on Allan much more.

This is the second time he's killed, the second time he's killed impulsively, without really thinking about what he was doing. Allan had laid him down on the bed and then tried to put his _finger inside of John_ , and John has said-"What-Stop" and Allan had said, "It's all right, love-" and tightened his hold on John's wrists to keep him in place.

But it wasn't al right, it was strange and it hurt and he was doing it without warning and far too quickly and John had thought-had he done this with Billy as well? Had he hurt him, had Billy asked him to stop? Because if Billy had, and Allan hadn’t, Billy wasn’t strong enough to push him away.

That was the last thought he had before he had suddenly flipped the man over and began punching him.

John is pretty sure Allan had died from that first punch, but he decides to imagine that it had taken a few, and he'd felt the pain for a while.

He's a bit sorry that he'd killed Allan so quickly. He really should have kept him alive, long enough to feel a lot of pain, of course, but also long enough that John could tell him why he was dying. That it was for Billy.

Well, there's nothing that can be done about that now. He's dead and that's the end of that. Unless of course there is an afterlife. Maybe one day John will become powerful enough to go there.

That should be fun.

Anyway, that's for later. Right now he has a body to take care of. John knows better then to leave it here.

Rolling his eyes (he really doesn’t have the energy for this), John grabs the sides of the covers, hosting the whole bloody mess up from the bed. It leaks as it goes, of course, but that's not a problem. If anyone comes to check up on this man, he doesn't mind them knowing he's dead-just how he died. Because 'punched to death by something that appears to have the strength of a fucking nuclear weapon and burnt by lasers' is far to specific not to get Vogelbaum's attention. 'Blood found in apartment with no trace of body' is common enough.

"All right, dickhead, time to go," John says cheerfully, and drags the body with him to the living room. He stuffs it into a suitcase that he finds in a walk-in closet, and then takes the suitcase with him out of the building. He has to walk for a while before he finds an appropriate place to get rid of it, but eventually he finds just what he's looking for-a pack of dogs sniffing around a butcher's shop. It's far too early for the butcher to be handing out anything, but John supposes when you're as desperate as these dogs, you'll take anything you can get, even wrappers with next to nothing on them.

Oh, he's genius.

"Here, doggies," John says cheerfully, detaching one of the pieces of flesh from the mess of a body (does it count as a body-as in, something singular- when it's not one thing anymore? It's at least fifteen different pieces) and throwing it in the general direction of the dogs. Immediately, the dogs let out a howl and pounce on the meat.

Grinning to himself, John keeps throwing them pieces until there's nothing left, and then he puts his arms out so the dogs can lick the blood off.

\---

The next day Billy comes to John's home after school. He steps off the bus with John like it's the most natural thing to do, without saying a word about it.

Bradley is on her computer when John opens the door, and she jumps slightly in the air when they walk in. Like she's scared of him, which is just ridiculous. He hurt her, but it was only what she deserved and nothing more. If she behaves, she has nothing to fear. And if she doesn't realize that then she's stupider then he thought.

"Good afternoon, mum," Billy says, tipping his head slightly. He's so fucking polite it's almost funny.

"Welcome home, boys," Bradley manages to plaster a smile on her face. "Are you hungry?"

"No," John snaps. "Come on, Billy."

When they're alone in the room, Billy turns to him and says quietly, "Shouldn't be so bloody rude to your sister, you raspberry tart."

He knows that one.

"Did you just call me a fart?"

"Aye, smart lad ain't you," Billy's tone is desert- dry.

John rolls his eyes and sits down on the bed, "You don't know her. She's a nightmare. Trust me, she deserves it-"

"She beat you?"

"What?" John snaps, enraged by the idea. "Of course she fucking doesn't!"

"She drinks?"

"No."

"Then maybe she ain't as bad as you think," Billy says softly. John swallows. He wants to say something, but he can't really find anything to say. So he just watches as Billy walks towards the book cases and trail his fingers on the spines. "You got a favorite?"

"Not yet," John says. Billy looks slightly hypnotized as he takes in the large amount of books. Does he not have this at home? He seems to want them. "I haven't read all of them yet, so I can't tell."

"Get to it, then. Shame to waste all these books."

"What about you?" John asks as Billy keeps caressing the spines. "You like books?"

"Who don't?" Billy replies dismissively, and then stops and tilts his head. "Suppose some tits don’t."

John grins, slithering off the bed and on to the floor, "What's your favorite book? Do _you_ have one?"

"'Course," Billy's smile takes on a soft tone, and John feels his hear clenches.

"What is it, then?"

"Les Misérables."

"Les Mis?" John blinks, a bit taken aback. That's apparently not the right response, since Billy's little smile slips off his face and he scowls at John.

"What? Think it's too sophisticated for me, do you?"

"That's not what I meant," John says immediately. "I'm sorry."

He never apologizes, not ever, not to anyone. But he does find himself apologizing to Billy sometimes. Billy doesn’t realize how special that makes him, and John _really_ wants him to know. But he doesn’t know _how_ to tell him, how to let Billy know that John is special, above the humans.

And what an honor it is that John wants Billy. That he wants him more then _anything_. But if he does, and Vogelbaum finds out…

"I like that book to," John adds, needing to get the frown off Billy's face.

It works, and Billy grins easily and slumps down on John's bed, "School took us t'see the musical. It was rather posh but smashin'."

"What musical?" The only musicals John knows about are Disney animated movies (he saw Mulan when he was ten, as part of his studies on the role of women in Western society. One of his handlers had told him that there were lots of other movies like that, but Vogelbaum wouldn't let him watch them no matter how much he begged. They were for children, he'd said, and John wasn't a child. He was a god in training. He had said that a lot in those days, as if to drill it into John's mind) and he doubts that's what Billy is talking about.

Billy looks down at him from his perch on the bed, his expression conveying very clearly that John is an idiot, and then says, "The Les Mis musical. Have you never-bloody hell, your life was fuckin' tragic before you came here."

"No, it wasn't," John says dully.

"No? Sure sounds like," Billy scrambles off the bed and collapses on the floor next to John. "Ruby's got a tape of it, I think. We'll watch it sometime, yeah? Meantime, what you think of Javert? 'Cause I think…"

John leans against the bed frame, closes his eyes and allows Billy to loll him to calm. He very, very carefully does not think of hands grabbing him so hard that if he wasn't who he was it would leave marks and trying to pin him down to the bed, of twisting and turning and burning the man underneath him.

Because if he thinks about it too much, he'll just want to brag about it.


	8. Chapter 8

"John!" Billy waves from his position on top of the desk. He's got an open book on his lap, and seems to be ignoring the cronies around him. Ruby is nowhere to be seen, which probably explains it.

Billy isn't ignoring _John_ , though, and that makes a warmth pulse through him. He feels happy and content for the first time since he'd left the dogs at the butchers. He'd spent that night laying in his bed staring at the ceiling. Staring through the ceiling, through the laundry area above him, to the sky above that. He'd stared at the stars, wanting to fly.

He doesn't want to think about this, though. He wants to think about Billy and the way his eyes sparkle with light and life. The way he was frowning before but is smiling warmly now.

"All right, John?" Billy takes his feet off the chair on the table next to him. John sits down immediately, placing his bag on the floor next to him. "How was the rest of your weekend?"

"Boring," John replies honestly.

Billy snorts, closing his book and caressing the spine. John tilts his head to look at what Billy is reading. He's a bit surprised to find _And The Band Played On_ , a book about the AIDs crisis of the 1980s. It seems like an odd choice for a British teen.

"Well, next weekend we'll leave the bloody town, yeah? Go somewhere else," Billy follows John's eyes to his book.

"It's an interesting choice of reading material," John points out.

Billy shrugs, "Find humans going tom tit rather interesting."

"Tom tit?"

"Shit."

"Ah," John grins. "Then you have a lot of books to read."

"Hmm, true, ain't it."

They sit in comfortable silence for a moment and then John clears his throat and asks, feeling a bit shy, "You mean it? About going away next weekend?"

"Bloody hell yeah, I meant it," Billy shakes his head. "We could all use a bloody break, I think."

A dark look shadows over his eyes, suddenly making him look harrowed and scared. Which makes John swallow and think- _what does Billy had to run away from?_

Before he can ask, though, Billy adds, "Ruby's folks got a place in the woods outside the city. We got there lots. Sure Eva would like to have you join us."

John picks up the book and caresses the huge book.

"Oi," Billy's voice is soft and kind, and John shudders at the sound of it. "You and Evie…"

"We did," John replies.

"There's a lad!" Billy suddenly places his hand on John's head and ruffles his hair.

John freezes, his eyes closing of their own accord, just for a moment. He quickly forces them to open, not wanting Billy to see him collapsing into his touch.

"How was it?"

"Um," John blinks. "…Unique?"

Billy bursts out in laughter, and he keeps the laughter on until Ruby and Eva come into the room a few moments later.

"You seem to be in a good mood, love," Ruby smiles, and pushes up to accept a kiss from Billy. John looks away, but unfortunately his eyes turn to Eva.

"How was the rest of your weekend?" John asks, deciding that politeness would be a safe way to go.

"All right, yours?" Eva replies. He wants to say, I killed someone, you might be next, maybe. Instead he mumbles that his weekend was fine, thank you. She smiles and adds, "I was wondering if you'd want to go get a cup of coffee after school today?"

Just the two of them. Eva doesn’t say that part, but it's clear. He has to stop himself from sighing out loud. Fuck. Having a girlfriend was going to be a hassle, wasn't it?

"Sure," He grins. "I'll be happy to."

Billy would have said _cuppa_. He likes that much better.

\---

"So, where will we go?"

John wants to glare at Eva for that question-well, no, he wants to punch her for that question. It had been her idea that they go out, why is he expected to know where they should go?

But apparently he _is_ expected to, so he turns to Billy in expectation of help. But Billy is already putting his books in his bag and slipping out of the classroom without looking at anyone. Without looking at _John_.

"John? You all right there?"

John shakes his head and turns back to Eva, "Want to go to get coffee?"

Eva grins. Right answer.

They walk out of the school together, Eva clutching his hand and looking up to him with puppy-dog eyes. John sighs inwardly and tries to hold himself back from crushing her little paw into bits.

"Where did Billy go?" John asks, looking backwards.

"Not sure," Eva says with a shrug.

"I'll go see if he wants us to wait," John says, pulling his backpack up.

Eva's smile fades slightly as she says, "Oh. I thought you wanted to come with me?"

John wants to scream, he wants to punch a hole in her chest, he wants to tell her how disgusting he finds her.

Instead he smiles and says, "I'll just go check up on him," he quickly kisses Eva's forehead and rushes back into the building. He starts climbing up the stairs two at a time, and as he reaches the second floor he can hear something coming from the teacher's corridor.

It's a groaning. John knows that sound, he's heard it before. Slowly, he walks up to Mr. Beckett's office, where the sound is coming from and looks through the wall. For a second, the world freezes as John takes the sight in.

Billy is laying on their teacher's desk, his head resting against the hard wood, faced towards the door. It's thrown backwards, and John sees the sweat trickling down his forehead, the half-closed eyes that are clouded over with lust, the lips open as he lets out small, breathless groans.

He's entirely naked, pieces of clothing thrown around the room. His chest is muscled and pale, and his nipples are pink and hard. There are scars all over his body, long ones on his stomach that look like someone struck him with a belt (he can even see the tents where the metal dug into Billy's flesh), round ones that must be from cigarettes.

Further down, his belly is heaving, and John sees the line of dark hair he had first glimpsed when Billy raised his arms to stretch in the park. Then, he couldn't see any further.

Now, he sees beyond. He sees the little patch of fuzzy black hair around Billy's-around Billy's-

This is where things in the scene go wrong. Because he can see Billy's dick, and it's hard and leaking and hypnotizing, but there's a hand wrapped around it, a hand pumping up and down, fingers tightening against the throbbing skin. And that hand isn't his.

The hand belongs to the adult man resting against Billy. Billy's legs are wrapped around the man's thighs, pulling him closer, into his-into his body.

Into his ass.

John closes his eyes for a moment, the moment cracking and shuttering. The world goes back to motion as he opens them again. Mr. Beckett thrusts forward, pushing Billy backwards, his hand curling against Billy's head.

He pulls Billy up, so their mouths are closed, hiding Billy's face from John's eyes. But he can see enough as Mr. Beckett puts his lips against Billy's neck and licks there.

"-mmm," Billy groans, his head rolling against Mr. Beckett's shoulder. "I'm close."

"Yeah?" Mr. Beckett pants. "That was rather quick. You're getting used to having me in your arse, aren't you?"

Billy groans in response.

"Can't talk anymore, can you?" Mr. Beckett laughs, harshly. John doesn’t like his laughter, he doesn’t like how pleased he sounds, how proud he is at having reduced Billy to a whimpering mess. "That's all right, baby boy, you don’t need to."

Billy tightens his hold on Mr. Beckett.

"Come for me, baby," Mr. Beckett purrs.

John turns and rushes out of the corridor. Eva is still where he left her, leaning against the gate while the last of the students pile out. She's chewing her lower lip, turning to look at him with a slightly annoyed look.

"Couldn't find him, could you?" She asks, a sneer in her voice.

John feels the fury in his pit of his stomach grow as he takes her in, "Shut up."

Frowning, Eva pushes away from the gate and says, "John. Don't speak to me like that."

"I'll speak to you however I fucking want," John sneers, and suddenly he can't keep standing here, where everyone can see them, where Billy could see them if he happened to look out of the window of Mr. Beckett's office-

_Not that he would. He's busy._

He has to hold back a howl of rage, and moves, faster than he's ever moved before. He grabs Eva and runs back into the building, so fast no one would be able to see them as he wretches open the locked door to the one of the art rooms and slams it closed behind them, knowing this room was deep enough in the ground no one would hear her screams.

"Did you know?" John sneers, throwing Eva backwards, her back hitting the closet of art supplies. She lets out a gasp of pain and collapses on the floor.

Eva looks up at him with wide, horrified eyes. John looks down at her. This it the first time in his life he's seen a human react to discovering what he is. She's terrified, confused, shook.

It's how everyone will look at him, soon enough. He's not the only supe running around, there are supes all over America thanks to Vought. But he's not like them. He's he first and finest of their specimens. So great that they tore him from his birth mother, whoever she was, and handed him to his creator to be raised.

There is an odd feeling going down his spine as Eva looks at him, like he's not someone she knows. Like he's not human, something entirely alien and distant from her. Not like her at all.

"Stop looking at me like that," John demands, and Eva immediately looks away, closing her eyes.

"You're…are you a demon?"

"I'm not a fucking demon, I'm a supe," John sneers. Why is demon the first thing she goes to, not _god_? "And answer my question."

"You-y-you hurt me-"

"I don't give a shit!" John bellows, sweeping down to grab Eva's arm and pull her up so they're eye to eye. Eva screams in terror, and there are tears coming down her eyes now. "Answer my fucking question. _Did you know_?"

"K-k-know about w-w-what-"

"Fuck, stop that fucking stuttering," John says mockingly. " W-w-w-what. You sound pathetic."

Eva closes her eyes against him, before opening them so John can see the terror in them, and asks, clearly making an effort to keep the stuttering out of her voice, "Did I know w-what?"

Ohhhh, _so_ close.

But it _is_ a fair question, John has to admit. He never did say what he wanted to know, so he sighs and calmly says, "Did you know, bitch, about Billy and Mr. Beckett?"

Eva shakes her head widely, "I don't-I don't know what you're talking about. I don’t."

"No," John sighs, "I suppose you wouldn’t know, would you? Well, you should know what Billy and Mr. Beckett have been fucking each-no. No. That's not true. _Mr. Beckett_ , you see, has been fucking _Billy_. How 'bout that?"

She didn't know, he can tell from her heartbeat, though she doesn't look at all shocked. Probably can't think very much with all the 'oh, I'm so scared' running around in her mind.

He laughs, which for some reason just makes her scream louder in terror. So he stops, in the middle of a chuckle, and looks down at her.

"Eva, Eva," He says softly. "You little whore. I bet you would also love to fuck around with Billy if you could. I bet that's why you got together with me, isn't it? Did you think it might make Billy jealous and he'd come running back to your wet pussy?"

The girl shakes her head again, and she really doesn’t look so pretty anymore. Her eyes are red and puffy, her hair has escaped from the elaborate braid it was in, and sticks out on all sides. 

"I p-promise, I never cheated on you-"

He throws her on the ground, her screams of horror absolute music to his ears. He's never really been in this situation. When he killed the annoying woman back in the lab, he'd had to do that very quickly before Vogelbaum could rush in. And with dickhead Allan, his death had come as a surprise to John as well. He hadn't planned on burning him. It had just happened.

But right now he has as long as he wants.

John grabs Eva's pink dress and tears it off her. Her long and skinny body lays exposed to his eyes. She really is very beautiful, and for a moment John wishes he could love her. He wants to want her. He just can't force himself to. He still wants to touch her, though, to use her body. He wants to make her bleed, feel pleasure while she feels nothing but pain.

Eva whimpers, tears rolling down her cheeks, as John grabs her legs and flips her over.

"J-John," Eva gasps, her long fingers scratching the wood floor, widely trying to find something to hold on to as John pulls her towards him. It doesn’t work, of course, because she's weak and he's strong and he doesn't need her cooperation to do anything he wants.

Frowning to himself, John looks down to find that he's rock-hard. The frown turns into a grin as his dick rubs against Eva's backside, the crack of her ass, over the area where Mr. Beckett is currently inside of-inside of Billy.

He feels almost euphorically powerful, and when he pulls Eva's legs apart, he never felt so much like the Homelander.

\---

Eva is bleeding by the time he's done, and when he retracts his now flaccid member from her ass he finds specs of red on it. Homelander takes a few paper towels from the sink and cleans up before zipping his pants and turning to Eva.

There are deep bruises in the shape of his fingers on her hips and legs where he grabbed her, and her face is puffy, her dress ruined. There is no way she will be able to make it home without anyone seeing her and calling the police. Everything about her screams _rape_.

Smacking his lips, Homelander pulls his jacket off. He forces Eva to stand up, holding her to keep her from falling. Eva's eyes are closed, and she breathes heavily. It's a bit like her mind has chickened out and she's left like a brainless doll to be moved around.

The Homelander likes him like this.

He puts the jacket over her, covering her naked body, and then roughly pushes her to the sink, forcing her under the water until most of her tears have been washed away before he takes her up the stairs.

They slip out of the school, Homelander flying Eva over the wall that they used Monkey to climb over on his first day. It feels like months ago, but it's only been a week or so.

Huh.

He finds a motorcycle with two helmets locked onto it. Perfect. He's never rode a motorcycle, of course, but who needs that kind of experience?

After breaking the locks, he places the helmets on his and Eva's head and gets on the motorcycle. He hovers an inch from the ground, taking their ride with him as he sours forwards. If someone looked really carefully, they would be able to see that the tires aren't touching the ground. luckily, no one on the streets of London care enough to look carefully.

Luckily for the people around Homelander, that is. He would have been forced to take care of them.

At Eva's mansion, John flies Eva up to her room (it's nice that he knows just where it is from the party). A quick scan tells him that her parents are home, but are down in the basement watching a movie, and there's a maid working in the kitchen. So unless Eva screams they shouldn't be disturbed.

Humming softly to himself, Homelander takes his jacket back and puts Eva in the shower on full strength. Realizing it would be a bad idea to leave her to be discovered naked and covered in bruises, he dresses her in a pair of pajamas (hopefully she'll just gall asleep. She seems stupid enough that she'd probably make that connection- _oh, I'm in bed with pajamas? Time to sleep!_ ).

Just to be extra safe, he takes her phone and texts her mother: _studying for an exam tomorrow. Please don't disturb me._

He grins to himself and goes home, but not before throwing the motorcycle away.

\---

Back in his room, Homelander yawns and lays down on his bed. It's not even seven at night, but he still feels the kind of exhaustion that he recognized from the time John was kept awake for a week.

All right, he isn't _that_ tired. Still, being Homelander takes energy. He likes it, though. He's never felt this fulfilled. Who knew people could be so very fun to play with? He wants to do something like that again.

Just then, there's a knock on the front door. Homelander frowns and turned to look. He grins and rushes over to yank the door open before Bradley, who's working on her computer upstairs, can hear, "Hey."

"Mate!" Billy says as he nearly jumps up in the air. "Got some good green, you wanna join?"

John smiles, "Sure."

\---

"You want to stay over for the night?" John asks as he and Billy slowly make their way out of the little garden where they spend their evening smocking the marijuana that Billy brought. "It's late."

Billy shakes his head, though, "Nah. Gotta get home."

He doesn't sound pleased with the thought. John can detect a little waver in his voice that he's sure no one else would be able to hear. Frwoning slightly, he says, "You can, it's not a problem-"

"John," Billy snaps, and John finds himself shutting up immediately. "I'm goin' home."

"All right," John mumbles, unable to deny Billy anything, even if, as he watches him walk towards the bus, he feels like he's sending him to the gallows.

John watches Billy jump on the bus, waving one last time, and when the bus disappears beyond a corner the Homelander decides to go see Eva again.

\---

Billy is quiet the next day in class. He chews his lower lip while focusing on the assignment they get from Mr. Beckett (John manages not to kill him, but it's hard), working on it far longer than John knows he really needs. After class is over, he pushes past Ruby who tries to talk to him and makes his way to the bathroom.

While Billy locks himself into a booth, John rushes in, looking through the door to see Billy leaning against the toilet, throwing up.

"Billy," John whispers, leaning his head against the stall door. "Are you ok?"

"Bloody hell," Billy groans, wrenching open the door to push past John to the sink. "Must have eaten somethin' bloody _foul_."

He's lying, John doesn’t need to have superpowers to know that. He swallows while Billy leans over the sink to dunk his head under the water, and looks through his clothes. He starts with his back, going down his spine-

There are bruises on Billy's hips, almost identical to the ones he left on Eva. John wants to look further down, to see what is going on _down there_. He can't though, he knows what Eva looks like down there and he can't bring himself to see that kind of damage on Billy.

Billy is hurt, someone _hurt_ Billy. And it must have been Mr. Beckett.

"Billy," John mumbles, taking a few steps towards Billy, hesitantly. "What happened."

"Nothin', told you, bit sick is all," Billy mumbles and turns towards John, water running down his head. John frowns, but he can tell that calling Billy out on his lie won't end up well for him.

"Then we should take you to the nurse's-"

"Bloody hell, no," Billy snorts, his fingers tightening on the counter. "They'd send me home."

"So?"

"Shut up, John," Billy says sharply and grabs paper towels to wipe his face dry. "C'mon."

Right.

\---

He's furious for the rest of the day, and that night Homelander goes back to Eva.


	9. Chapter 9

John knows that he needs to get Mr. Beckett as far away from Billy as he can. Killing him would be the easiest way to do that but it would also be a really, really bad idea. He needs to find a way to get Mr. Beckett kicked out of the school somehow.

The school is deathly quiet when John gets there in the middle of the night. There is no guard at the gate, which he flies over. He keeps soaring until he gets to the window to Mr. Beckett's office. It's unlocked, of course, because who would lock a window at the second floor where no one but a flying man could reach? No one thinks about people like him-no one expects him to come. Homelander grins and swoops in.

He goes still for a moment when he closes the window and turns to face the room. He sniffs the air; Billy's smell is still hanging in the air. The smell of _sex_ is still hanging in the air, the smell that Beckett and Billy made together.

Homelander feels his fists clench tightly and takes a deep breath, forcing himself to relax. He puts the bag he brought on the table and takes out a pair of gloves he puts on, and the pack of photographs. He begins spreading them around in places the janitors are likely to check but Mr. Beckett himself isn't. Inside the garbage can, the middle of a huge pile of bunched up papers.

He holds up the last picture in front of his face, squinting. He'd chosen one of the girls from their class for this project, a girl with chestnut hair and blue eyes. She's pretty, Homelander can tell.

The picture shows her in the shower, head tilted back with closed eyes. Some of the pictures show her striping, laying naked in her bed and leaning down to expose her backside. He took them hiding in a bush across from her apartment a few nights earlier.

Someone will find these pictures, and then Mr. Beckett will be in very, very big trouble.

\---

The planned trip to Ruby's vacation home is delayed by a few weeks since apparently Ruby's older sister has booked it for her college friends' own vacation. But they get on the road eventually, taking Eva's huge car and driving.

The weeks that precede it are some of the most entertaining in John's life. Well, no. They're probably _the_ most entertaining in John's life.

The thing is, he's never had a pet before. There was a little bird he used to see in the garden he was sometimes allowed to go out to, it once sat on his shoulder. But Vogelbaum had had him shoot the bird dead.

"You need to learn to end lives you might care about. Vought could end up asking that of you," He'd said.

He has one now, though. He has Eva. He's not sure if pets are meant to fear their owners. Probably not, honestly. They're probably meant to obey out of love and respect. He prefers this way, though. Part of the fun is hearing her quick-quick-quick heartbeat.

Ever since the day when he saw Beckett with Billy, John has been going to Eva's bedroom every few nights. The best part is always the first moment, when he hovers over her bed and she sees him and puts a hand over her mouth to muffle her screams. Because if she does and her parents come in Daddy will end up burnt to a crisp and Mummy will end up raped while their baby girl watches.

So she stops herself from screaming and looks up at him with shiny eyes, heart beat quick-quick-quick, waiting to hear what he'll want her to do tonight.

The first few nights, he hadn't really known what to order her to do. The first two nights he had said things like, _go get me food. Tell me about what Billy was like when he first came to St. James._

On the third night, though, he had a wonderful idea. He saw down on the bed in front of Eva and said, "Get your clothes off. I'm going to fuck you."

"No, non, please no-" She'd begged. But her clothes had come off eventually.

That had been even better than the sex they had (did it count as sex both of them had? Given the fact that she really didn't like it? Actually, he prefers the idea of the sex being just on his side) in the abandoned building. It had helped, he thought later, that he didn't need to physically keep her there. She couldn't move because of fear, because even with no hands on her, she was fully under his control.

And that's a _rush._

The next night he had asked for the same thing. On her hands and knees, like a dog. And the night after that, moving up and down his dick while he lay back on her bed.

Then he'd tied her to the bed by her wrists with silk shirts he got out of her closet. And then wrapped a rope around her neck so every time he thrust into her and she bounced backwards she lost the ability to breath for a second or two.

That one had been a good night.

John smiles as Billy shifts in his seat next to him, stretching and yawning. That night was a few days earlier, and he'd decided to let her have those days off before the weekend at the vacation home. He didn't want her to completely break apart. That would definitely be noticed, and also not be so fun.

"We close, Evie?" Billy asks while John, from the corner of his eyes, watches the way Billy's muscles flex and strain.

"We should be there in half an hour or so," Eva replies. Her voice is wavering just a bit. Ruby is looking at her friend with a frown. She's been looking at her that way a lot the past two weeks. She knows that something is wrong, but John isn't worried. Eva isn't going to tell. Never ever. "We'll have some time to prepare before the others come."

Right. Because despite of what Ruby's parents think, the four of them are not the only ones spending the weekend at the vacation place. In fact, as far as John can tell, half of their grade and a quarter of the one below them have been invited.

"Probably," Ruby nods and motions Eva towards a small town on the side of the street. "Go in there, yeah? We need-"

"To get soused!" Billy chirps. "Vodka, tequila-"

"Of course that's where your mind goes to, love," Ruby says with a fond smile. John hates Mr. Beckett, desperately. He wonders if he hates Ruby more.

Hard to say.

He doesn’t want to think about Mr. Beckett, not now and not ever. It's getting hard to not snap the man's neck every time he sees him. Luckily, Billy hasn't gone back to Mr. Beckett's office in the past two weeks, John has made sure of that. He's kept an eye on Billy at the end of every school day, making sure he was leaving without a stop at their teacher's.

The small town has a liquor store that doesn’t have very good alcohol (John has learned to tell by the smell, so when they go to bars he can choose good alcohol for Billy and get a grin in return), but as Billy tells John as they walk around the aisles, "Good enough to get tossed. 'Sedies, the posh bastards will come with their own bloody shit."

They load the car with the drinks and snacks they get from the nearly supermarket and then pile back in. Billy takes the wheel this time, and he speeds through the last part of their journey.

Ruby's vacation home is, of course, fucking enormous. It has ten bedrooms, two pools (indoor and outdoor), a sauna, a TV room which is basically a move theater, two kitchens, two sitting rooms. And that's just what John can see in the few minutes that Ruby takes to show him around. While she does that, John makes sure to keep an ear out for Billy and Eva, who are preparing the drinks.

"You all right, Evie?" Billy asks. His voice is soft and kind, and John lifts his eyes up, past the ceiling to where Billy and Eva are placing bottles on a table. Eva flinches away from Billy, not looking him in the eye. And he can tell that something is wrong, frowning deeply and then placing the bottle on the floor and walking towards her. He tries to take her hand, but Eva shoves him away from her.

"I'm fine," Eva says. Her voice is pretty steady, but her fingers are shaking.

"You been actin' off," Billy continues, because of course he doesn’t accept Eva's claim. "Ruby's worried, too."

"But there's nothing to be worried about," Eva wipes tears off her eyes while Ruby cheerfully shows off her home movie theater. "I've just…I haven't been at my best lately."

Billy snorts, "Posh git. The hell does _that_ mean?"

"Adolescence mood swing, I suppose," Eva says while John makes appropriate noise to meeting the cat that lives in the vacation home (a stray that Ruby says always seems to know they're coming back. Why she thinks that would interest John is beyond him).

The black-haired boy blinks at her for a moment and then a brilliant smile appears on his face and he says, "Ah. I hate bein' an adolescence."

"We should probably head back," Ruby tells John, who nods. He would prefer to be around Billy to…. frankly, anything, but in this case the second option of continuing the tour is particularly unappealing.

They get back to the large sitting room, where the drinks and snacks are organized, just in time to be there when the first people arrive.

Monkey (who John has learned is actually called _Darren_ ) shows up with two girls from the grade under that have been trying to get him to date them (so they can get into Billy's inner circle. That's another rule of the strange school social eco system: usually when a couple start going out, they both move to the social level of the least popular member of that pairing. But not with Billy's group. Maybe because he's the highest of the social ladder, but becoming boyfriend/girlfriend of a member of Billy's group means a bump up to that social statue. It's complicated). He greets Billy and John with a cheerful wave and the girls with a smile before thrusting a bag full of top-notch alcohol into Ruby's arms.

And the party is officially off.

People come quickly after Monkey, and before long it’s impossible to find an empty spot anywhere in the vacation home. There are people swimming in the pools, drinking in the lounges, fucking in the bedrooms. Someone puts on movies in the huge movie theater and people crowd in to watch them.

John finds himself participating in a table hockey tournament in the game room. The games go by in a blur of movement and unimportant faces that John forgets as soon as they're gone from view, until he's face to face with one of Billy's friends with Billy standing between them cheering both of them on, eyes blown out from the drugs he smoked.

It's not hard to win, of course. But it _is_ hard to concentrate when Billy is looking at him so…intensely. He's looking at him like he doesn't want to miss any second, like if he misses one play in this stupid, pointless little game, he will be missing out on something momentous.

He does win, of course, and when the puck slides into the slit for the winning point, Billy lets out an excited, loud _whoop_ and jumps on the hockey table, hands going around John, and before he can quite process what is happening John is enveloped in a powerful hug. He's entirely wrapped up by Billy.

He's never touched Billy so much, and it's completely overwhelming. Billy's arms are warm, and his head is resting in Billy's chest, so he can feel his heartbeat. John closes his eyes for a moment, just to feel it more, but before he can full appreciate the closeness Billy is pulling away again, leaving John feeling oddly cold.

"Oi, lads! Drinks for the winner here!" Billy calls out, jumping off the table. A loud cheer follows his declaration and drinks are quickly dispensed while Billy ruffles John's hair and says, "Bloody good show, that."

John has to take a drink then, to hide the way his mouth turns up in a proud smile without meaning to. Pathetic. Does he have _no_ control over himself?

Vogelbaum taught him better than that. John tries not to think about what Vogelbaum would say if he saw him now.

\---

_You think we should pull the plug?_

Jess hesitates. The truth is that yes, she does think that. She wants the plug to be pulled. The last two weeks have probably been the most stressful in her life, and the relief she had felt that morning when John left for the weekend was so intense and made her literally fall over.

But she knows better than to say that to Vogelbaum. She knows he couldn't care any less about her feeling-or, frankly, her life. Not that she needs him to. This is Vought, after all. A cut-throat, every-man-for-himself kind of office place. And she plans to get to the very top of that ladder. So she's going to need to learn to deal with this.

But she does not want to die in the hands of a maladjusted tyrannical _kid_. She had thought, when Vogelbaum first sent her to London, that this is the best opportunity she could have gotten. She thought she could win the boy over, become something like the mother he never and must, somewhere, want.

She had made a bad estimation in there somewhere. She either overestimated her abilities in charming teen boys or underestimated just how much Vogelbaum had missed him up.

Whatever the reason, John has no interest in her outside of making sure she stays out of his business. The only person who can influence John is Vogelbaum.

Well. And one William Jonah Butcher.

Which is the only way she can think of to get Vogelbaum to send John home. The cunning old man wouldn't want anyone but him and Vought's other workers to have any type of control over John.

 _I think it would be wise_ , she writes back. _John's crush is becoming quite troublesome._

_How is that?_

_If you ask John to do something, and Billy tells him not to do it, I'm not sure who he would listen to._

_Just because he doesn’t listen to you does not mean he would not listen to me._

_I am aware_ , sometimes Jess is glad they don't talk on the phone. She's sure Vogelbaum would be able to hear the resentment in her voice if they did. She knows she's lost quite a bit of standing in his eyes. She doesn’t need it made clearer for her.

_But you still think that?_

_I do._

She can imagine the doctor on the other side of the computer, narrowing his eyes as he thought. It takes him nearly fifteen minutes, but eventually he responds, _I'll come._

\---

"Truth or dare!" John startles at the excited yell. He looks up from the soccer (football, Billy had corrected him once, smacking the back of his head) game he, Monkey and a few other boys they'd been watching on the TV to see Billy jump up the table to wave his arms around. "Everyone gather."

Billy's command is immediately obeyed as all the kids around the room rush up and create a circle around Billy. The black-haired boy smirks, and John can tell Billy knows how powerful he is in this room. More than that, he _revels_ in how powerful he is.

John thinks, _I should stay in place_. Show Billy that _he_ isn't under his spell. But then Billy's eyes flicker to him, and he grins, self-satisfied and completely in control, and John finds himself moving, because he might want to show Billy that he's not under the spell, but the truth is that he very much is.

Just in this, he's not special at all. And he's willing, just in this, to be like everyone else. Just for Billy, just to be able to look up at him.

So he comes to sit in the circle, looking up to see Billy look down at him. John swallows at the look in his eyes. It's searching, careful and almost tender. As if he realizes something happened here, that John has come to a decision.

Like he knows that John is acknowledging Billy's supremacy in the art of leading. Because Billy doesn’t know just what John is, he can't possibly understand the significance of that. But also, because he's Billy and very nearly superhumanly smart, maybe he sort of does.

"Who's first, then?" Billy grins as he grabs an empty bottle and places it in the middle of the circle as Monkey grabs the table and moves it out of the way.

"I'll go," One of the girls shrugs and grabs the bottle. She clears her throat with a grin on her face and spins the bottle. Everyone around the circle hushes as it goes around and around, and then it comes to a stop, the base right in front of Monkey and the neck facing a random boy.

"All right, Alex, truth or dare?" Monkey asks, rubbing his hands together in an excited fashion.

The boy, Alex, smacks his lips in thought and then declares, "Truth."

"Brilliant," Someone laughs from the side, and Alex flushes, his heart beating fast. Huh. It's like they all know exactly what Monkey will ask and are very excited to hear how Alex will respond.

Monkey grins mischievously and asks, "Alex, are you pining over Megyn Trumpell?"

Alex's eyes grow wide and he shakes his head fiercely, "No."

The room is filled with boos and cries of disbelief and Billy says, "You'll be plucked straight to the ding dong for that, me lad!" And then he turns to John and translates, "Hell."

"Thanks," John replies, stomach warm from the small attention.

"All right, all right!" Alex raises his hands in submission, face now beat red. "I rather fancy her, yes!"

"Yes!" The room roars back almost as one voice, and Alex buries his head in a pillow mumbling about how much he hates everyone.

The game progresses quickly from there. It starts simple, both with the dares and the truths. One girl is forced to admit she had a babysitter until she was thirteen, another has to drink two shots one after the other. As the game goes on, though, everything becomes crazier. One boy reveals a _very_ detailed fantasy he has about his first cousin and another pretends to have an orgasm.

That's when things go completely off the rails, and get more and more…sexual. One girl takes her shirt off and preforms a belly dance on the table while everyone cheers and whistles. A boy (who John figures from context is completely straight) has to jerk off his (also clearly straight) friend. Two girls make out for five minutes (it's timed). They file out of the room to see one of the girls jump naked into the pool. No one asks for truth anymore, and not one of the dares is lacking in a sexual context.

And not one of the dares are denied. John thinks that it must partly be because-aside from him-everyone playing is completely drunk at this point. Drinks have been passed around the circle throughout the entire game. But it's not only that. There is also a sense that out here, away from society and any adults, the teens are free to do whatever they want, show whatever they want to show each other. And no one will hold it against them when it's all over.

After they get back to the sitting room from watching the skinny dip into the pool Billy pulls his legs up and says, "Another round, lads?"

"And lasses," A girl calls out.

"Yeah, yeah," Billy rolls his eyes fondly as the wet skinny dipper grabs the bottle. "Lasses as well."

The bottle spins and spins and then stops, one side pointing at Billy and one pointing at John.

John swallows. This is the first time the bottle has landed on him, and of course it would be with Billy. He flicks his eyes up from the bottle to look at Billy. The other boy has his head tilted slightly, watching John thoughtfully. He nods to himself, as if coming to some conclusion, and asks, "Truth or there?"

"Dare," John replies. No one has been asking for dare, he's not going to be the odd one out.

Billy smiles, as if that's the answer he'd bene hoping for, and declares, "Heavenly bless someone."

"Heav-"

"Kiss."

John blinks, then swallows, "A-anyone?"

Shrugging, Billy says quietly, "Who you want to the most."

He keeps starts at John, staring him _down_. He knows-God, he _knows_. How does he know? How long as he known?

And most importantly-what does he think about it? What does he want John to do?

"I can kiss anyone?" John asks again, because it's easier to ask then move.

"Anyone," Billy replies, and his heart beat is fast bum-bum-bum, but he's smiling. Just a small, soft smile that is just for him.

John takes a deep breath and shuffles forward, just a bit, just to see what Billy will do.

He doesn’t have to move anymore, though. Because Billy is moving as well, towards him. John breathes out, scared for the first time in his life, unsure of what he should do and what is about to happen.

"John," Billy says softly when they're only a few inches from each other. John can hear the silence around them as everyone else in the room go entirely still. They're all watching him and Billy, to see what their leader will do. John is watching to see what his leader will do, as well. "D'you want a heavenly with me?"

"Yeah," John whispers. He can barely move; he can barely think. He can barely keep himself steady in place. He wants to push forward and claim Billy's mouth, he wants to get up and run away. He wants to grab Billy and take him far, far away. Somewhere in this house there is Ruby, and he doesn't like the thought of her being so close to Billy. He wants…he wants-

He can't think anymore, because Billy places one hand on the back of his neck, one hand on his shoulder, and gently, so very gently, moves him forward. The fingers around John's neck as soft and warm and caressing, and he closes his eyes when he feels Billy's breath (it smells of alcohol, it doesn’t matter it smells amazing) against his lips.

And then Billy's lips touch his. He kisses him gently, his lips caressing John's, their noses rubbing against each other. The kiss is so soft, barely there. It's, without a doubt, the most incredible feeling John has ever experienced in his entire life.

He feels Billy take a deep breath, and then move forward. The fingers around John's neck become tighter against his skin and pull him closer, and then Billy's mouth opens and he plunders John's with his tongue.

God, Billy tastes magnificent. He tastes like alcohol and…and…

He tastes like heaven, John decides. And he kisses like a fucking angel.

John raises his hands and pulls his arms around Billy, bringing him even closer. He caresses the bumps of Billy's spine, feeling the thrumming of _life_ under his skin. A hand goes up to tangle in his hair, pulling his head down so Billy can get a better access to his mouth. The tongue goes deeper, and suddenly Billy is _sucking_ on his tongue, and John whimpers, feeling himself grow hard. His whole body is vibrating with want. He wants Billy to touch him, he wants him to take his dick into that beautiful mouth of his. He wants Billy's fingers inside of him the way they had been inside of Ruby at the party in Eva's home.

But then Billy's tongue is leaving his mouth and his fingers are leaving his hair and his body is pushing away and John is left, all alone, without Billy to keep him standing straight. He stumbles slightly, his body objecting to be left alone.

His eyes open to see Billy moving back to his place. He's not looking at John, he's looking down at the floor. It's the first time John has ever seen this-Billy looking away from something. But there's a tenderness to Billy in that moment, an uncertainty that makes John almost afraid. He's never seen Billy like that and he doesn't like it.

Billy should be strong; he should be standing up and taking John's hand and ordering him to come with him. Then he should be fucking him into a bed and marking him and then John should fly Billy far, far away from here. Somewhere where John will be the only person Billy ever sees for the rest of his life. He should be keeping him safe and secured from the rest of the world.

But Billy is standing up and walking away. Walking away from John and leaving him all alone.


	10. Chapter 10

John loses track of Billy after the game ends. He's sitting on the floor as the other participants pile out, and when he looks up again, the only person in the room is him.

He could easily find Billy, of course. But he doesn't. Instead he walks over to the nearest unoccupied bathroom and locks the door behind him. Breathing heavily, John collapses on the floor and raises his hands. They're shaking. He tries to stop them, grits his teeth and focuses. It doesn’t work. His hands are still shaking.

They're shaking like they shook the first time he was let out of his cell, like the first time he was taken to New York. John doesn’t understand, though, why they're shaking like this now. This wasn't his first kiss; it wasn't even his first kiss with a man. And Billy's lips shouldn't be any different, should they? They're just a pair of lips.

That's just it, though, isn't it? They're not just a pair of lips. Well, they are, but they're a pair of lips that are attached to Billy. Billy, who kisses Ruby and probably Mr. Beckett and who knows else with those lips. Billy, who grins knowingly at Billy when they talk about Eva.

Billy, who just kissed John.

John doesn't want to be another one in Billy's long list of conquests. He _won't_ be that. He won't be another after thought while it's Ruby Billy publicly claims as his.

The thing is, John doesn’t know why Billy is with Ruby. He saw the lust in Billy's eyes when he was with their teacher, and he's also _quite_ confident that if Billy was completely satisfied by Ruby he wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

Billy cares about Ruby, that's clear. They have a warm and familiar dynamic to them, full of private smiles and inside jokes. And Billy enjoys fucking her and giving her pleasure.

But he's seen the way Billy looked when he was with their teacher, and that was stronger. The lust was stronger, the need and pleasure was stronger. That is completely missing from Ruby and Billy's interactions. They're more like best friends who kiss and fuck because doing that is enjoyable.

So what exactly is it that Ruby gives Billy?

John takes a few deep breathes, and watches as the shaking of his hands slows to a stop. He's going to get Billy all to himself. Mr. Beckett will be on his way sooner or later. Homelander goes into his office every few days to put more incriminating pictures in. At some point they have to be found. Ruby, though, will be harder to get rid of, he thinks. He's not even sure where to start.

Smiling to himself, John manages to scramble up. He takes a few more breathes, calming down before stepping out of the bathroom and listening.

It takes him longer then normal to pinpoint Billy's location. Usually it takes him a moment or two to locate Billy. Billy is loud and draws attention to him like the sun. So he's a bit surprised that there is no Billy to be heard.

He does find him, obviously. But Billy isn't talking, or laughing, or fucking Ruby. He's laying spread out on a hammock under a larger tree at the edge of the grounds, far from any prying eyes. He's sleeping, so he should be peaceful. But instead, as John makes his way quickly to him, Billy is shivering and tossing on the hammock, mumbling to himself.

John frowns and steps out of the house slowly, ignoring the excited yells and laughter of the other students around him. Billy lets out a gasp of shock and fear. He's having a _nightmare._

John immediately start running towards him. When he comes to a stop by the hammock, Billy lets out a whimper and one of his hands twitch into a half closed fist. There's a look of confused pain on his face, and John drops on his knees by his side and grabs hold of the twitching fingers.

"Billy-"

"No," Billy mumbles, burrow furrowing and teeth biting into his lower lip. "Stop."

"Billy, wake up," John shakes Billy's shoulder lightly, but Billy just gasps, and it's like his dream is sucking him in, hurting him. "Billy!"

"Stop!" Billy suddenly screams, and John jumps backward, shook, as Billy's body leaps forward, nearly toppling off the hammock as he gasps and heaves.

John scrambles up, forcing himself out of the shocked daze. He rushes to the hammock and grabs Billy's shoulders, pulling him closer to wrap his arms around the heaving body.

Billy tries to push away from John, but John holds him tighter ad Billy just…collapses against his chest and bursts into tears.

"It’s all right," John whispers, blinking up at the sky. He doesn’t know what is happening and how he can help Billy.

Why is he crying? Who made him cry, and where is that person so John can kill them?

Billy sniffles, rubbing his nose on John's shirt. He looks so small, so vulnerable. John just wants to take him far, far away where he can make him feel better. He just doesn't know how.

John swallows as Billy flicks his eyes up to John. His eyes are red and his face full of tears and a bit of snort. John wants to kiss him again, he's so beautiful.

"Billy-"

"Me dad's left," Billy says, voice rough from the tears. He says it softly, a secret between the two of them.

"Left who?"

"Left us," Billy says, his expression somewhere between fond exasperation and anger. "Me mum and me. With me mum's nickers."

"I'm sorry," John says, and the funny this is, he really means it. Billy is sad because his father left, and John doesn’t want that. Billy should always be happy, should always be laughing and smiling at John.

"Well, I bloody ain't."

Oh. Never mind this.

John frowns, "Oh. Do you not like your father?"

Billy snorts, bitter and angry, and hunches down, burying his face back in John's sweater. It makes John realize that Billy hasn't pushed him away again. He's still letting John hold him.

"He's gone," Billy whispers. "He don’t matter no more."

\---

Later, Billy grabs John by the arm, and John allows himself to be slammed against the wall. He swallows at the fire dancing around in Billy's eyes and really, really hopes that Billy won't notice how hard he's getting.

"If you tell anyone 'bout that," Billy sneers, "I will cut your cock off and stuff it up your bottle."

 _Ass_ , John translates silently. Billy was threatening to cut his dick off and stuff it up his ass.

This boy is amazing.

"Right," John gasps. "Good to know where we stand."

Billy smirks harshly, ruffles John's hair and walks away.

\---

It happens two days after they return to London, in the first break of the day. John, Ruby and Billy (Eva is hiding in the bathroom, she spends all her free times there lately. John lets her stay there some of the breaks, but not all. She's becoming a bit too obvious with her misery. Which is ridiculous because he hasn't actually gone back to her since they got back from the vacation. She should be fine) are playing a game of poker (with chocolate because the teachers had apparently put their foot down about playing poker with money). It's just his turn and he's peeping to see what Ruby's cards are when Monkey comes rushing towards them.

"Blokes!" Monkey yells out, collapsing on the grass besides Billy. "You won't bloody believe it!"

"Hmm?" Billy looks up. "What happened, then?"

"Mr. Beckett was sacked."

Billy drops the cards he'd been holding while John feels his heart jump with excitement.

"What," Billy says numbly.

"I know! Bloody insane, isn’t it?" Monkey shakes his head. "I just heard. And you will _not_ believe why."

"Tell us!" Ruby leans forward, looking excited.

"They found pics," Monkey says. "Of Ally Brown. In her house. Bloody naked."

"What," Billy says again.

"No bloody way," Ruby shakes her head. "No _bloody_ way."

Her voice is cut off when Billy stomps up and runs away.

Ruby frowns as she watches Billy's back, getting up and rushing after him. John bites his lip gently and looks up. Monkey starts talking loudly about what just happened and John makes all the correct noises and facial expressions as he watches through the walls to see Ruby catching up with Billy in an empty classroom.

"Billy, are you all right?" Ruby asks as she closes the door behind them, sealing them up from the world. John grits his teeth, forcing himself to stay in place. She raises her hand to touch him, but Billy flinches away from her touch and Ruby freezes. "Billy…"

"I'm aces," Billy says, his teeth gritted just like John's. "Bloody _fine_."

"You're lying. Is this about Mr. Beckett? Because I'm quite shocked myself-"

Billy lets out a bitter little laugh and pushes past Ruby to get to the door. He hesitates for a moment with his hand on the door knob, then turns back and walks over to Ruby.

The girl looks up at Billy, eyes wide, while he reaches down and kisses her forehead gently, sweetly. She closes her eyes when they press their foreheads together and takes hold of Billy's hands, lacing their fingers together.

"I know," She whispers, and Billy sniffs lightly. "He betrayed you. It hurts."

"I betrayed _you_ ," Billy responds, eyes on Ruby, who seems to be the only person in the world to him at that moment. John would be jealous, would be furious, if he couldn't sense the finality in the air.

"You did not."

"I did. Of course I bloody did."

Ruby shakes her head, "It's not the same. I always knew."

"Ruby-"

"It's all right, love," Ruby laughs, a sad little laugh. "We all do what we must to survive. I love you."

"I love you as well."

"I know, but not…not the way I love you," Ruby says, voice gentler than John had ever heard from her. "And that's all right, Billy. It really is. I _do_ love you like that, and you are a rather magnificent lover."

Billy lets out a small, nearly hysterical laughter. Ruby grins and cups Billy's face in her hands.

"But your dad's gone now," Ruby whispers, and what that has to do with anything, John has no idea.

Billy seems to understand, though, as he laughs softly and hauls Ruby into what must be a bone-crushing hug. He closes his eyes again, allows Ruby to hold him and kiss his hair and murmur softly to him.

"Let's go," Ruby suggests. "Leave early, just this once. With the mess with Mr. Beckett, I rather doubt there will be any classes."

"Let's," Billy agrees.

John considers stopping them somehow. But Billy and Ruby are just friends now, she's not a threat to him. Let Billy relax with Ruby if it will make him feel better. Especially if it will take his mind off their former teacher.

In fact, Homelander will probably leave school early as well. He thinks he'll take Eva out.

\---

Vogelbaum had seen pictures of the townhouse where Bradley and John live, having chosen it from a small list of Vought-owned places. The pictures were from before John and Bradley got there, and the differences leaves him nearly breathless.

Before, it was a nice house fit for a few individuals, but now it's a home.

John's books are thrown on the coffee table with Bradley's papers, and a mug no one has cleaned yet. The kitchen sink is a mess and there's a vase of flowers sitting on the counter. Jackets and sweaters are thrown on the dining chairs, and the dining table is nearly covered by sports magazines.

Vogelbaum goes over to John's bedroom and stands there for a few moments.

John should have had this his entire life. Vogwlbaum should have given him to a loving family to be raised in. He should have come check on him, help him train from the safety of a mother's protective hold.

The DVD's on the floor, the game controllers lying on top of them, the book open on the bed (a _Harry Potter_ ), the piles of clothes on the floor, the old socks thrown everywhere-it all tells the story of a typical teen boy.

Vogelbaum, though, can read what's missing between the lines. There is no _history_ here. The books still look new and not at all worn out from rereading. There are no objects left over from former hobbies, no nick-knacks collected over time, no little holes on the wall to show spaces where pictures once hung. There is nothing but the present, because John does not have a past.

Turning away from the room, Vogelbaum closes the door behind him. Bradley, who has been standing in the kitchen waiting for him to finish his scrutiny, looks up expectantly.

"John will be home soon, yes?" Vogelbaum touches one of the books on the coffee table.

"If he comes home straight from school, he should be home in a few minutes," Bradley replies. "But he doesn’t always do that."

"That's good," Vogelbaum smiles inwardly. That's quite typical for a young man. Home is boring, caretakers are annoying and useless. Friends are the only important things that exist in the world. "If he-"

The front door opens and John stomps in. He throws his bag on the floor and walks straight up to Vogelbaum. He'd probably heard him from far away, and had been preparing himself to coming face to face with him. Vogelbaum folds his arms and looks at the boy while the boy looks at him. He's cut his hair, a buzzcut. The lack of gold locks makes him look older, more mature. But maybe it's the look in his eyes that's doing it. The wary way he's looking at Vogelbaum, judging him. He's going to decide now if he wants to do what Vogelbaum wants him to do, he will not obey automatically.

He's less of a weapon, more of a person.

That's not good, but Vogelbaum gets the feeling that in this the damage has already been done.

"John. You've cut your hair," Vogelbaum says calmly. He turns to look at Bradley, "Did you go to do that with him?"

"No," John replies, calm and collected. "I went with my friend Billy."

The phrase _my friend_ should not sound so possessive. It's a simple, descriptive phrase that people use every day, all around the world. And yet the way John says it makes it sound like he's staking a claim, a warning. _He's my friend, he's mine, and you won't take him away from me or me from him_.

"I'm glad to hear that," Vogelbaum says, hoping his voice is more or less neutral. He goes to sit on one of the couches, motioning John to take the chair in front of it. John hesitates for a moment and then takes the seat. "Ms. Bradley told me that you were getting along well with other kids."

John frowns at Bradley for a moment, and she manages to not cringe backwards, but it's a close call. John turns back to Vogelbaum and says, "I'm fine. I didn’t know you were coming to see me."

"Bradley, give us a minute?"

Bradley swallows but after a sharp look from Vogelbaum leaves the townhouse, locking the door behind her. As soon as she's gone John says, "She told you that I hurt her."

Vogelbuam snorts, "Are you surprised?"

"Of course not, she's a coward."

"Actually, I think it took some bravery to tell me. Given the fact that you threatened to kill her if she told. And both me and you know you could kill her without thinking twice."

"But I won't, will I?" John sighs, leaning back on his chair.

"No?" Vogelbaum asks.

That makes John startle a bit, and he says, "No. I won't."

The way he says it makes it sound as if he's genuinely shocked that Vogelbaum would ask him that question.

"You won’t?"

John stands up suddenly, looking down at Vogelbaum with apprehension in his eyes, "You think I would kill her. Are you planning on taking me away?"

"No-"

"Then why would you ask me that?"

"John," Vogelbaum raises a calming hand, noticing the shivering of John's fingers. "Sit down."

"I won't leave-"

" _John_."

John sits down.

"Listen to me very carefully," Vogelbaum says calmly as the boy curls into himself on the chair. He used to do that when he was much younger and trying to hide from the world. "I have no intention of taking you back home with me, do you understand? Not if this place is good for you."

"It is," Joh replies, looking down at his hands.

"Tell me about that," Vogelbaum says gently. "Tell me about your friends."

And, as if he was just waiting for an excuse, John does.

He tells Vogelbaum about two girls named Ruby and Eva, who he seems to despise deeply. But he only says a few sentences about each of them before easing right into a speech about William Butcher.

And he doesn’t stop talking about him for fifteen minutes straight.

Vogelbaum doesn't say anything as John talks, tells him in minute detail about what appears to be every single interaction he had with this boy. Vogelbaum learns quite a bit about the boy in between the lines of what John is telling: that Billy has an IQ of at least 150 if not more, he's a natural leader, he's a manipulator, with a deep understanding of human behavior and how to twist it to his needs. He comes from an incredibly broken family. His recently disappeared father was an alcoholic, at least emotionally and verbally abusive if not more. He's a fiery, brilliant, broken young man. He could end up being the leader of the most successful crime organizations in history or one of the greatest men to ever exist.

He sounds like the kind of person Vogelbaum would enjoy having under his command. He thinks he could mold him into a truly magnificent being. Vogelbaum has a few trainees under his wing like that. Bradley is one of them, or at least she had been before disappointing him by screwing up with John so badly. There's also Madelyn Stillwell, who has magnificent potential.

But that's something to think about later. The important thing right now is the fact that John is clearly, deeply, passionately in love with Billy.

When John talked about the two girls, he had sounded like the young boy who had left the labs: uncaring, lacking in empathy, full of hatred towards anybody that does something he disapproves of. But when he talks about Billy, John sounds…so much more normal. He tells stories of how Billy annoyed him, told him to stop doing things, got in his way. But he tells them with the kind of mild annoyance you'd expect for a boy telling of a little spat with friends.

If Billy has this affect of him after a month and a half, what could happen if Vogelbaum lets this continue for the eight months left for the school year?

He's going to let John stay.


	11. Chapter 11

John sits at the table, watching Vogelbaum and Bradley eating and talking amicably amongst themselves. They're discussing how things are going in the labs, how all of Bradley's coworkers are doing and so forth. John couldn't care less, but he keeps an ear open so he can comment if one of them asks him anything.

He's not sure what Vogelbaum had thought of what he told him, if he was satisfied or was about to demand John's return. John had been careful when he started talking, skipping over his and Eva's entire relationship and anything and everything connected to Billy's trysts with older men. To be perfectly frank, when he'd first realized, on the bus ride back from Eva's place, that Vogelbaum was in his home, John's first thought was that he was there because if the man John had killed.

When it became clear, though, that that wasn't it and Vogelbaum was still completely in the dark about John's actions, John had lost some of his apprehension and ended up telling Vogelbaum more than he had planned. About smocking weed with Billy, going out on pub crawls, that one time their art teacher left the class alone so she could meet her new boyfriend and Billy had gotten a paint-throwing fight started. He told Vogelbaum about how the teacher had returned a few minutes before the end of class and how Billy had very subtly made it clear to her that she couldn't tell the principal, because if she did, it would be clear that she had left them unsupervised. About how Billy had then made a large portion of the class stay behind during recess to clean up the mess they made.

Vogelbaum, John notes as he eats a bit of mashed potatoes, had seemed to find the story incredibly amusing. He'd asked what the teacher had said when they were done cleaning up. It was the only time he had interrupted John talking.

"Billy said, 'I hope you enjoyed your outing, ma'am'," John had not even tried to mimic the cockney speech pattern. "And she said, 'William Butcher, you are a lovely terror'."

"He sounds like it," Vogelbaum had said, eyes brimming with curiousity.

John looks down at his plate. He doesn’t particularly want Vogelbaum to develop an interest in Billy, but he can think of worse things. Vogelbaum deciding that Billy is a bad influence, for example.

"John," Vogelbaum says, and John flicks his eyes up to him immediately. "I'm going to fly back. Would you walk me to my car?"

John closes his mouth, because the first response he finds himself wanting to say is, _you're not staying?_ But that would be childish. He doesn't need Vogelbaum and besides, the man probably has a lot to do at the labs.

"Sure," He says eventually, and puts his cutlery down.

They walk outside in silence, but when they reach Vogelbaum's rented car he turns to John and says, "You don't have to be worried. I am not going to take you away from London. If you want, you can stay here until the end of the school year."

John breathes out, his shoulders letting go of tension he didn't even realize he was holding.

"I think this has been good for you," Vogelbaum continues, looking at John intently. "And I think we should have done this much, much earlier. Perhaps from the day you were born."

John takes a step back, feeling a familiar stirring of anger in his pit.

"Why are you telling me this?" He hisses.

"Because-"

"What does it matter now? You say I _should have_. Well, I wasn't, was I? It doesn't matter anymore."

But Vogelbaum shakes his head, "It matters."

" _Why_?"

"Because I failed you, John. I let you down."

John looks away, and swallows. He's shocked and horrified to feel a lump grow in his throat and swallows again, forcing it down. He won't cry, he refuses to.

"You deserve to hear me apologize to you. And I _am_ sorry."

"Sorry?" John sneers, looking back at Vogelbaum. "You're _sorry_. You're _sorry_ for treating me like a lab rat, you're _sorry_ for taking my family away from me. You're _sorry_ you made sure I never a childhood. You're _sorry,_ you think that makes it ok?"

"I don’t think that. Not even a bit," Vogelbaum says sharply, and John scoffs. "Nothing can make it ok. And I wouldn't blame you if you hate me forever."

John shakes his head, "Just go."

"John-"

"Go!" John roars, fury suddenly exploding out of him, and feels his eyes going red. "You send me away alone, so just go. I did what you wanted, I got a life, so leave me to it. I don't need you anymore!"

Wordlessly, Vogelbaum nods and steps into his car. As the vehicle starts and he drives away, John collapses on the ground, shocked that Vogelbaum actually left.

His hand slips into the pocket of his school uniform and, entirely numb, John calls Billy. The phone only rings twice before he hears Billy say, "John?"

He sounds so soft and a little tired, and John closes his eyes, breathing heavily.

"John? You there, mate?"

"Billy," John whispers.

"Oi, somethin' wrong?" He hears Billy sitting up, the crinkles of papers being moved around. He must be doing homework while laying on a bed. He does that a lot when he's in John's room.

"Are you home?" John asks.

"Wha-yeah, I am."

"Can-" John rubs his eyes. "Can we meet? Please?"

"Um, yeah ,'course. Wanna get to the park? The one next to yours?"

"Yes," John replies immediately, relief washing through him.

"Right," John hears shuffling again, presumably Billy standing up. "Wait there. It'll take me a few."

"I'll wait," John promises, then bites his lips and mumbles, "Thank you."

Billy is silent for a moment, and then says, "Wait," before hanging up.

John looks down at his phone, smiling a bit before getting up and running to the park. He has to wait for nearly half an hour, but it seems like the time did not help calm him down. Because the moment he sees Billy coming towards him, John bursts into tears.

\---

John doesn’t know how long he cries. As soon as he starts, Billy sits down on the bench, face expressionless, and pulls John into an embrace. He guides John so his head is nesting on Billy's shoulder and wraps him up in his arms, resting his chin on top of John's head.

John doesn’t think he's ever cried before. He must have as a newborn baby, but his memories from those times are fuzzy and unclear. So he doesn’t really know _how_ to do it. He almost chokes on the phlegm in his throat and nose, and his eyes are burning and he has no idea what to do about any of those things.

Mostly, he just doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t understand the feelings pouring out of his body. He doesn’t know he's so miserable, and why he can't just push the emotions down like he normally does. He tries, but they keep coming back up and forcing themselves out of his body.

He tries to think, which might help him stop feeling, which in turn might help the tears stop. But he can't. He can't think, he can only feel. He hates it.

One of Billy's hands caress John's spine, up and down, up and down. John hiccups, feeling the crying go down in intensity. The hold Billy has on him grows tighter, and he lets out a low whisper, a soothing soft sound that makes John cry harder for a moment. But he's been crying for so long that there aren't many tears left, so the crying slowly comes to a stop.

He keeps on hiccupping, moaning lowly, his eyes so puffy he can barely open them and he clutches Billy's shirt tightly, never wanting to let go.

Eventually even the hiccups stop and he lays, nearly catatonic, in Billy's arms. He doesn't think he could move, even if wanted to. Which he very much does not.

But eventually Billy does, shifting in place. John, slightly panicked, whimpers and holds Billy tighter.

"I'm gonna get fisherman's," Billy says with the type of tone you'd use for a skittish horse. "It's in me bag."

John nods, keeping his eyes closed as Billy lets go of him for a moment, leaving John slumped against the bench, and then the arms are back, pulling John's back against Billy's chest, and an open bottle of water is pressed to his lips. John drinks obediently until the bottle is finished and it's taken away, and the arms are circling him again.

John waits for Billy to say something, to ask what the fuck was wrong with him and what the fuck he thinks he's doing. He doesn't, though. He just sits there holding John, waiting for him to speak. It takes John quite a while to get there, but eventually he sniffles and tries to talk, "I-"

His throat closes up, raw and rough from the crying, and he coughs again.

"D'you wanna head home?" Billy asks gently, nosing at John's ear.

Panic growing again, John shakes his head vehemently, and he feels Billy nod before he runs his hand through John's hair.

"Right then. But write your sister, yeah? Tell her you comin' with me."

John nods, but his fingers are shaking so badly when he tries to take his phone out of his pocket that he nearly drops it.

"I'll do it," Billy says, voice still so gentle, and takes the phone out of John's hand. John allows his eyes to close fully again. He thinks he must fall asleep, or at least drift off into a semi-conscious state, because the next thing he knows he's sitting on a moving bus with his head cradled in Billy's lap while Billy's fingers draw circles on his back.

John keeps his eyes closed, curling into a ball. He doesn’t know where Billy is taking him, but he doesn't care. Billy could take him to the gates of Hell for all John cares. He'd just walk through with him.

"Come on," Billy says gently when the bus comes to a stop. John staggers after him, holding on to Billy's arm as tightly as a child. His eyes are open just to slits and he sees that they're walking towards a small but nice-looking hotel. He hangs back while Billy walks up to the front desk, expanding his hearing to listen.

"Room for the night," Billy says flatly.

The man looks up and says dryly, "It's been a while since you were here."

"A night," Billy echoes, face turning blank.

"A night, good for you," The man smirks and hands Billy a key. "He's younger than your normal-"

"Room number." 

"Twenty-one," The man leans forward and lowers his voice. "You know, I could give you the room for free if you-"

"Rather have a stick of dynamite up me bottle," Billy interrupts again. "Bloody room is worth five minutes of me time."

And then he turns and walks towards the elevator, not looking back to see that John is following him. He doesn’t need to, of course, because John is. John is staggering after him, completely bewildered by the conversation. He's pretty sure that in this context 'bottle' would mean ass.

So why…

"Right then," Billy says briskly, breaking John out of his thoughts while he closes the door behind them. "Clothes off-"

John freezes.

"-and get in the shower."

Oh. John tries not to be disappointed. He goes into the bathroom and obeys Billy's orders, getting into the bath and starting the water at full strength. Then he just sits there, curled into a ball, for long enough that his fingers are crinkled like an old man's. By the time he slips out of the water and gets dressed again, he's starting to feel almost normal again.

Just very, very tired.

Billy is sitting on the double bed, one leg stretched out on the sheets and the other pressed to his chest, his chin resting on his knee. He looks up when John walks back out and smiles. His smile is worried, though, and gentle. Not happy at all.

"Hey," John mumbles, voice still rough and throat painful.

"Hey," Billy echoes, pointing to the bed. John breathes out and collapses on it, accepting another bottle of water that Billy has filled up. "Drink."

John drinks and drops the empty bottle on the floor. Billy wiggles down so his whole body is laying on the bed and turns to his side. John follows so they're nose-to-nose and nearly touching.

"Tell me?"

John swallows and then nods, "All right."

"Thanks," Billy says.

"My-" He wants to say _my father_ , but catches himself just in time, remembering that his father is supposed to be dead. "My mother came to see me."

It feels very odd to call Vogelbaum his mother, but he supposes it's sort of true. Vogelbaum has been everything during his childhood. Father, mother, teacher, tormentor, captor.

"From Yankee land?"

John smiles a bit, "Yeah. From America."

Billy nods, "What happened, then? I gather you ain't happy to see her."

That makes John snort, and he says, "Not particularly."

Raising a hand, Billy starts caressing John's hair back from his forehead and says, "What did she say?"

"Apologized," John says bitterly.

"For…?"

"My childhood. that is was…the way it was."

Billy shuffles a bit, so they're even closer to one another.

"Ha."

"And it's-it's-" John shakes his head and closes his eyes. That might make it easier to not cry. "It's not fair."

"Yeah," Billy says.

"I don't want to accept that fucking apology. They don't get to do that. H-she said that she knows it doesn’t make it ok, but-but what am I supposed to do with that? I want them to make a fucking _time machine_ and make it better!" John closes his eyes quickly to hide the red.

Billy responds by pulling John so he's head is cradled in Billy's chest. John sighs deeply and breathes in Billy's familiar scent, opening his eyes. There's normal now.

"I grew up in a room. There was a glass window on the door, it was small. They played peek-a-boo with me through it. I was five when I came out of the room for the first time. I was so scared."

"Fuck," Billy breathes out.

"What about you?"

He feels Billy still under him, and places his chin on Billy's chest to look up. Billy is looking up at the ceiling, hands going to play with John's hair. John wonders if Billy's fingers on him will always feel like lava searing his skin, marking him.

Doubtful.

"What _'bout_ me?"

"Well-" John takes a breath and sits up, pulling away from the fingers. It's hard to think like that. "I heard you talking to the man at the front desk."

Billy's eyes widen and he scrambles off the bed, standing in front of John.

They stare at each other for a moment, Billy looking like he's about to sprint out of the room and John trying, through panicked thoughts, to figure out how to keep him in place.

In the end he settles on, "Please don't leave me."

And Billy sighs deeply, collapsing back on the bed and pulling John into an embrace, "I ain't."

John allows his eyes to close and says quietly, "He wanted to…to sleep with you."

Billy breathes deeply, "Yeah."

"Why-why do you know this place? Have you been here before? With…other people."

"Yeah," Billy says again.

John nods slowly, "Older people. Adults."

"Yeah."

"And they paid you," John breathes out. "Right?"

"Yeah," Billy says yet again, sounding defiant and angry. "But I hadn't since I started at St. James."

Was that supposed to make John feel better? Because it really, really does _not_. "You were sixteen when you started at St. James."

Billy shrugs, "I know."

"You know- oh, you know, don't you!" John pushes Billy away to glare at him. "Sixteen! Fuck, Billy!"

Billy looks away and says, "I know. I was there."

John rubs his eyes and says quietly, "How old where you when you started?"

As soon as he asks the question he regrets it. He doesn't think he really wants to know.

Still looking away, Billy responds, "Thirteen."

"Thirteen."

Thirteen.

"That's wrong," John whispers. "That is _wrong_ , Billy."

"Bloody fuckin' hell!" Billy suddenly yells, jumping up and pushing John away. John allows himself to be moved. "The fuck d'you think you are? Bloody hell, you think you can fuckin' _judge_ me?"

"No!" John cries out. "I'm not judging you."

_I just want to know who made you do this so I can kill them._

Billy shivers and basically collapses on the floor. John immediately rushes forward and now it's his turn to hold Billy while he cries.

Billy doesn’t cry like John. He's much better at it than that. He cries silently, warm tears running down his cheeks and getting John's neck wet as he buries his face in the knock between John's shoulder and throat. And it only lasts for a few moments before Billy sniffles and raises his head to blink at John.

"I'm not judging you," John repeats softly. "I just…I-I care about you."

Billy nods and leans against the bed frame, smiling gently, and John feels his stomach grow warm.

"Why did you do it?"

Sighing deeply, Billy turns to look at John in the eyes, "Me dad. He stole nickers from me mum. For the near-n'-far and me mum needs nickers for rent and bloody food."

"Your dad stole money from your mother so he could go drink."

John takes a deep breath, he's going to _kill_ Billy's father, if he ever comes back.

Billy nods.

"I don't understand, "John says quietly. "Didn't you work at the pub?"

Billy winces, "Not exactly."

"It's where you picked up your clients," John says, realization dawning on him. "Right."

Billy raises a hand to John, beckoning him. John immediately takes his hand and comes to sit next to Billy.

"Did your dad stop stealing your mom's money when you got to St. James?"

Snorting bitterly, Billy shakes his head and replies, "Found a different way."

"How?"

Rubbing a hand over his eyes, Billy says, "It don't matter no more. Me dad's gone."

That's what he said to Ruby that morning when Mr. Beckett was fired. John feels a dark understanding build inside of him. Mr. Beckett is gone, but Billy doesn’t need him anymore because Billy's father is gone so Billy's mother can use her money for rent and food.

Because Mr. Beckett has been giving Billy money.

He wants to ask, but Billy is looking at him like he's about to fall asleep. Breathing deeply, John decides that enough is enough for one night, and they need to get some sleep or they'll end up falling asleep in class.

Billy agrees wordlessly when John says they should get to bed. He pulls off his pants and shirt, but before John can probably ogle him he slips between the covers, hiding his body. John swallows and does the same, falling asleep with Billy's head pillowed on his chest.


	12. Chapter 12

Over the next few weeks, Mr. Beckett is all everyone can talk about. Rumors go around the school- that the police found child pornography on his computer (Homelander hadn’t done that, so he doesn't know if it was true or not), that Mr. Beckett had been thrown in jail (that one wasn't true, a police investigation was underway, and Mr. Beckett was safe in his apartment. Homelander flew there to keep an eye on his sometimes, just to make sure he didn’t try to contact Billy), that Mr. Beckett had been fucking Ally Brown (John had looked to see how Billy would react to that particular accusation, but Billy had kept a grin on his face and said, "Bloody hell, leave the lass alone, aye?", and not even John could see a flicker of uncertainty or anger in his face when he said that. Billy has a wonderful talent to keep every single true emotion he feels out of his face. Even his heart beat stays the same. Things need to get very, very bad for Billy to show his pain).

Because Mr. Beckett is taking up so much of the conversations and energy around the school, no attention is given to Eva. No one notices as she quietly but clearly falls apart.

Homelander had been going to her nearly every night. He'd been waking up in the middle of the night after dreams full of Billy moving over his body (Billy is naked in his dreams. He knows what Billy looks like naked now) and flies over to Eva to relieve himself.

She doesn't cry anymore when he comes to her. She lays in bed, spreading her legs as soon as he swoops into the room through the window, and opens her eyes to look at him. She knows not to close her eyes now. There is pain in them when he takes her, and a lost, dead look after it's done, and he's not willing to give that up.

Sometimes, after he's done, he goes up to the roof to look down at her, waiting to see what she'll do. Once in a while she cries, but that doesn’t happen so often anymore. She just lays there, staring at nothing. Eventually she gets up and goes to take a shower or stumbles down the stairs to get food. That's not what he's waiting to see, that's the boring part. It's what Eva does automatically. It's what happens after the shower/snack that interests him.

Because Eva always, always falls apart at that point. It takes different forms, but it's almost always entertaining. It started one night when she had gone to the indoor pool and had jumped in. Just jumped in, still dressed in her pajamas. Jumped in, and had not came out. So John had flown in to fly her out and hit her back hard enough to get her to spit the water in her lungs.

"Don't try that again," He had said.

Apparently she had taken that to mean 'don't try to drown yourself' instead of 'don't try to kill yourself', because the next night after John leaves, she takes a microwave to her bath. John had managed to stop her at the last moment.

"Don't do that again," He said, not bothering to correct Eva's assumptions about his orders. He was curious to see what she would do the next day.

The next day it had been a rope around her neck. John had let her keep the rope when it was done, knowing she would not dare do anything with it.

Eva had worn turtle necks for a week after that.

A fall off the roof, a knife pressed to skin, a bottle of pills smuggled from Eva's mother. After the roof one, John realizes that Eva might not really want to die, given the fact that she always does those things when he's around.

He did end up asking her, after carrying her back to bed after the knife one. Eva had looked away and said, "There wouldn't be any point."

"You want me to watch you die."

"And carry that image for the rest of your life."

He had wanted to tell her that despite what she thought, he very highly doubted he would be haunted by the image of Eva's death for his whole life. He wouldn't even be haunted by it for a day, he wasn't for the rest of his kills. He had found it slightly amusing that she thought she held such importance in his mind.

He hadn't told her that, of course, because if he did she might have just tried something while he wasn't there. She might actually had gotten the job done.

At school, Eva has to use all her energies to keep functioning at a satisfying enough level that the teachers don't pay her undo attention. During the breaks, she sits around staring into nothing, or locks herself in a bathroom stall and cries. But no one notices.

Once in a while Ruby kisses Eva's cheek and promises they'll find time to talk soon, or Billy looks at her with a worried look on his face. But they never get back to it.

It doesn't help that Ruby and Billy have officially broken up, which means that both of them are being nearly drowned in flirtations and advances from every second student in the school. Which means that neither of them has any attention to spare Eva.

John isn't particularly pleased with all the people gravelling over Billy, but since the black-haired boy is very clearly uninterested in any of the girls and boys, he can live with it.

He and Ruby don't really change much of their interactions. There are no more kisses-but that's about it. Ruby still jumps onto Billy's lap once in a while, they still whisper into each other's ears and laugh at private jokes, and gravitate towards one another. Annoyingly, the fact John knows that they're not fucking anymore does not make him any less jealous of their closeness.

He still wants to get rid of Ruby.

And as for John and Billy…. well, it's not like Billy had ever been particularly stingy with his touches. He would always ruffle John's hair, clap his shoulder, shove him against walls when he was angry (John still gets shivers when he thinks about that). Now, though, it seems that Billy is as liberal with his touches as he is with _breathing_.

In the morning when John sits at his chair and Billy collapses on the desk, he presses his legs on John's knees. When they lay around in the grass outside of the school building, Billy nonchalantly puts his head in John's lap and goes back to playing cards or talking or whatever it was that he was doing before John came to sit down.

When they're alone, in John's bedroom or in the park smoking, Billy goes even further. He caresses John's hair back from his forehead, trails long fingers up and down John's arms. He shoves John on the ground and looms over him, grinning. He knows exactly what affect he's having on John.

They’re playing a game, preforming a dance. But John has never done this dance before, he doesn't know the steps. So he's just blindly stumbling after Billy, waiting for him to make a move. Which is going to come, John can tell. He just doesn't know when or where.

Three weeks after the dramatic discovery of the pictures in Beckett's office, Billy comes into their class a few minutes after John (John still can't always time it so they're on the bus together) and jumps on John's table, "Listen."

John closes the book he'd been reading ( _Les Mis_. He doesn't usually reread books, there's no point when he can memorize them after one reading, but he likes to read this one again and again because it's Billy's favorite) and says, "I'm listening."

"Ally's parents ain't gonna press no charges against Beckett."

John frowns, "Why?"

"Don't want it followin' her for her entire life," Billy replies. "They're posh gits, y'know? Don't want nothin' unpleasant in their lives."

Sighing deeply, John pushes his book to the side, "So he's not going to be put on trial."

"No," Billy says, "He ain't."

Swallowing, John asks, "He's not coming back to work here."

"Of course not."

"He'll probably never get another job in a school for the rest of his life."

"I know."

John wants to scream, _then why does it matter!_ But it clearly matters to Billy, and he would be upset if John said that, so instead he says, " But it still bothers you."

"Silly, ain't it," Billy mumbles. "Want him in the rusty. Bloody bastard, fuckin' _Ally-bloody-Brown_."

It seems to bother Billy a _lot_ , the idea that their teacher slept with someone else. Is he _jealous_?

Billy frowns, his face creasing up. John feels his face doing the same thing. Jealously, or hurt? Or anger? Confusion? Why do humans have so many facial expressions? How is John supposed to fucking keep up?

Whatever it is, it's not a pleasant expression, which means it's got to go. Billy needs to be happy. So he shifts forward and says, "I mean we don't know if they slept together. Ally claims that she didn’t, and if they had wouldn't he have had pictures of her from close up?"

Billy shrugs, fingers idly playing with John's tie, "That's lot of effort from him, ain't it?"

"Uh…"

"Bloody fuckin' hell," Billy groans, shoving away from John, "It don't matter."

"Right!"

But Billy still isn't smiling.

If this is how he reacts when someone is taken out of his life in this way, he'd probably react even worse when Billy takes Ruby out of his life with…you know. Death.

He's going to have to do that at some point, just for his own peace of mind. He really, really hates Ruby and having the ability to go see her rotting in the ground would be really great for his mood on bad days. He's going to have to be very, very careful with it, though. Finding a way to end her life without suspicion being immediately directed at him from Vogelbaum is not going to be easy. In fact, right now he has no fucking idea how he will do it.

But that's a problem for Homelander to worry about at a future date. Right now, John needs to get Billy smiling again. So, pushing the thoughts of murder out of his mind, John taps Billy's nose to get his attention and says, "You don't need him anymore, remember? What does it matter what happens to him?"

Billy shrugs, "Suppose so."

"Ok," John nods, standing up and pulling Billy off the table with him, "We have a few minutes before class starts. Want to go join the football game outside?"

"Yeah, all right," Billy says, which is good.

But he says it with a deep sigh, which is bad.

\---

"You free tomorrow night?" Billy asks both Ruby and John. They're walking away from the school with Ruby getting a piggy back ride from Billy, arms thrown over his neck (Eva hasn't come to school today. It's the first time she did that).

"I am," john replies, pulling the strap of his backpack over his shoulder.

"Me as well," Ruby adds.

"Aces. Eva is, asked her already. She's a bit off, but she's be alright," Billy goes on. "Got an invite to a Hendon party."

"What's that?" John asks curiously.

"The London police academy," Ruby says. She's looking between John and Billy, a secret smile on her face. "Billy's got some friends there. He's planning on going there after he gets his first degree."

"Really?" John hadn't known that. Billy had never told him that.

"He doesn't talk about it a lot," Ruby grins at Billy from over his shoulder and kisses his cheek. "Plans on shocking us all when he becomes England's youngest DI."

"That wouldn't surprise anymore," John says without thinking. "It would make perfect sense."

Billy stares at hm with wide eyes, shock clear on his face. There's a faint blush growing on his face and John immediately looks away, fearing that his own expression is probably even more revealing.

He hurries forward, putting a bit of distance between him and Billy so his heart can slow down. Behind him he hears Ruby whispering to Billy.

"That one's enthralled by you," She says and John nearly freezes. "And you aren’t immune to his charms, either. When are you going to-?"

"Tomorrow night," Billy says, sounding nervous. John wants to fly into the air and do summersaults. Billy is nervous because of _him_. He's going to make a move _tomorrow night._

He can barely hold himself from grabbing Billy and kissing him when they part ways, John to the bus home and Billy and Ruby to her place. He waits for the bus, jumping up and down on his heels, and wonders what he could possibly do to make the time to faster.

The answer is, apparently, fucking nothing. He tries reading, watching a movie, playing a video game, teasing and bothering Bradley around the house. Nothing works. He can’t focus or get Billy's _stupid_ face out of his mind.

He looks at the clock. It's six, he's been home for only two hours and have gone through each and every one of his hobbies. He's not going to sleep for another four hours at least. And then there will be an hour or so before school starts, then _all the hours of school_ and then _all afternoon again_.

He can't take the wait anymore, he really can't. Groaning, John collapses on his bed. There are hours and hours ahead of him, the whole night-

Oh, the night!

John's eyes fly open and he sits up with a grin, feeling incredibly stupid. He can go to Eva, of course.

\---

Homelander waits for a few hours before going to Eva, but waiting for Eva feels like a few minutes, unlike the few years he'd felt waiting for Billy.

Eva is not in her bedroom when Homelander gets there, but in her ensuite, sitting in the bathtub, curled naked into herself. Sighing in exasperation-he had hoped she would be ready for him-Homelander goes over to the bathroom door and turns the doorknob, breaking it.

"You weren't at school today," He says as he walks in.

Eva's eyes flicker to him, and he notices the deep circles under her eyes that he hadn’t before. Usually Eva wears an enormous amount of makeup, which probably helps hide her deterioration from her friends at school. Right now, she kind of looks like a corpse. If Billy saw her like this, he would lose his mind.

Looking away again, Eva mumbles, "I was sick."

"Sick, or just weak?" Homelander walks over to the bath.

"I'm not weak," Eva replies. "You've broken me. I'm destroyed."

Homelander preens, getting on his knees to be eye to eye with Eva, "Thank you."

Eva shivers, "You're the devil. I wish you had never come to London."

"Well, that's not under your control," Homelander says. "Focus on your behavior. You need to come to school tomorrow."

"I _can’t_ -"

"You have to," Homelander snorts. "Or I'll kill your parents. We've been here before."

Eva's fingers clench on the bath's edges and she heaves herself up into a seated position. Homelander's eyes flicker down to her breasts for a moment before looking back at her face. He finds breasts attractive, but also Billy's flat chest. Billy, though, finds only men attractive. Ruby had made that clear.

So they're different in that. Well, they're different in a lot of ways, it's not a big deal. And it means Billy has less options for fuck buddies. So that's good.

"This isn't going to last," Eva says, water drops running down her body. "I'm not going to be able to survive much longer."

 _You don't have to do this much longer_ , Homelander thinks. _I'm getting really bored with you_.

"You'll be fine, now get out of the bath," Homelander says briskly, standing up again. He goes back to the bedroom and sits down on the bed.

Eva comes out a few minutes later, dressed in a pair of sweats and pajama top. Homelander rolls his eyes and pats the bed next to him.

"What's the point of the clothes? They're coming off in a second."

Breathing deeply, Eva walks forward. She sits down as directed, and closes her eyes.

Homelander raises a hand to cup her breast, thumb pressing over her nipple. He's about to push her on the bed when a knock on the door freezes both of them.

"Miss Eva?" Eva's family maid calls out in her distinct Ukrainian accent. "Are you awake? Mr. Butcher is here to see you."

Eva's eyes widen and she turns to look at Homelander, waiting for instructions.

"Tell him to come in," He whispers. "If you say anything about me being here-"

"I won’t," Eva promises quickly.

He squeezes her breasts painfully one last time in warning, before flying to hide in the walk-in closet.

"Come in," Eva calls out.

The door opens and Billy walks in. He stops in front of Eva and John sees the widening of his eyes. He remembers his musing from before, about how furious Billy would be if he saw Eva without makeup.

Shit.

"Billy, hello," Eva tries to smile. He supposes that it's a good effort. "How are-"

"Come to see how you were," Billy says, taking a step closer to Eva. "What happened to your arm?"

John's eyes flicker to Eva's arm and he nearly gasps in shock. There is a large bruise there that Homelander had left three days earlier when he grabbed her hard. He had forgotten about that completely.

"What?" Eva blinks, looking down at her arm. Somehow, even though it seems impossible to John, she gets paler.

"Who did that?"

"Billy-"

"Eva, who did that to you?" Billy snaps, collapsing onto his knees and taking Eva's hand gently. "Is this the first time this has happened?"

"Billy," Eva whispers, cupping his cheek in her hand. "Please don't ask me about this. Please. I can't tell you what is happening."

"Meanin', it has."

"Pleas-"

Billy pulls himself up, grabs Eva's shirt and shoves it up, exposing Eva's stomach. And that is full of bruises in various colors.

"You're been used as a bloody punchin' bag," Billy whispers, taking a step backwards.

Eva looks away and says, "I'm in a BDSM relationship."

"Bloody hell! D'you really think I'd bloody believe that?" Billy starts laughing hysterically, and then, just as suddenly, stops and grows somber. "I'm going to get your parents."

John's breath hitches, and Eva lets out a scream and jumps up, grabbing Billy's arm and pulling, "No. No, Billy, please!'

"Eva," Billy says gently, caressing her wet hair out of her eyes. "I know you're scared, but your mum and dad will protect you, yeah?"

John grits his teeth, closing his eyes for a brief moment. _Stay in place_ , he screams at himself. _Stay in place, don’t let Billy see you_. Instead he turns around, eyes raking over the walk-in closet, trying to find-

There it is. Sitting in a drawer under Eva's underwear where she put it a few nights ago. The noose she had used for the hanging attempt.

"They can't. Please," Eva cries, and John twists back around to see Billy walk to the door. "Billy-"

"I'll be back in a minute," Billy says calmly, but John can see his fingers shaking in fury. He leans over to kiss Eva on the forehead, and then, before she can react, pushes her into the room, closes the door and locks it behind him.

"Billy!" Eva screams, pounding on the door. "Don't do this, don't-"

Her voice is cut off by Homelander's hand on her mouth. She starts thrusting, legs attempting to pound at the door, but since Homelander moves her away from it, she just end up kicking the air.

_Quickly, quickly._

He loops the rope over Eva's light and forces her head into the noose. Eva keeping on thrusting, fighting him for the first time since the afternoon when he took her in the arts class. It hadn't helped her back then; it won't help her now. Homelander hovers in the air, and then lets go of Eva and sinks back to the ground.

He doesn’t have time to look up at Eva, instead quickly grabs a chair and topples it next to Eva's dangling legs, before flying out of the window and landing on the roof.

Now he looks down, watching a girl choking to death. He can hear her gurgling and trying to breath, and watches under her skin to see the bones shifting and cracking.

She struggles in her noose and something twists, a bone breaks, and Eva goes limp. Homelander listens, but can't hear any heartbeat.

Just then, the door bursts open and a severe looking older man comes rushing in. He stands in the doorway, frozen in place. Behind him, there's a loud, horrified scream.

"Eva!" Now Billy pushes past Eva's father. Which seems to wake Eva's father, since he joins Billy in cutting Eva down. The body collapses on the floor, and that breaks the older man again. He grows still again, not helping as Billy starts attempting CPR.

"No!" Eva's mother collapses on top of Eva's body, clutching her to her chest. "No, baby, no. No, Eva, my darling. No, no, please. Please, please no. Wake up, darling, wake up. Oh, not her, God please. Don't take her away from me please. Not her, not my only child. Me. Take me, take me instead please-"

"Mary!" Billy grabs at the woman and tries to pull her away. "Move, move!"

Homelander sighs as he looks down at the panicked Billy. He isn't going to want to go to a party tomorrow.

\---

The phone call catches Vogelbaum when he's about to leave his office, his hand on the doorknob. Sighing deeply, Vogelbaum turns away from the door and picks the phone up, "Yes?"

"Sir."

It's Bradley's voice. Vogelbaum immediately feels the pit of his stomach dropping. If Bradley is calling instead of texting, thereby making it possible that John hears, something terrible had happened.

"What happened?"

"A girl from John's class was found dead two days ago. She was a member of his friend group. She hung herself."

Vogelbaum closes his eyes. He thinks he knows where this will go.

"When I heard a few hours later, I called an informant in the police. Eva's body was covered in bruises, she had bones sprained all over her body. Some of the bruises had finger prints on them. She's been beaten for weeks. They couldn't get a match, but I had it sent to me. It's John's finger prints."

 _Yes,_ Vogelbaum thinks dizzily. _That makes sense_.

"I got into the computers, changed it so the police believe there is a match- a man on leave from the army. He's only a few years older than Billy and his peers. I think it will hold."

Vogelbaum finds himself rather impressed with Bradley's competence, but he doesn't have the space in his mind to think about that.

Rubbing his face with his open palm, Vogelbaum says, "You did a good job, well done. I'm going to fly to you as quickly as I can."

"I'll wait."

Vogelbaum slams the phone down and buries his head in his hands, collapsing back on his chair.

There are so many thoughts swimming around in his mind, it's hard to keep track.

The first thing he thinks is that he has failed. Failed even more then he thought before. This is not killing someone in the heat of the moment. This is not hurting a woman because of a teen moment of anger. This, according to Bradley, has been going on for weeks. And he wasn't discovered, the girl had not said a word. Which means he threatened the girl to keep her silent, and planned his attacks on her to make sure they weren't interrupted. He's done this for weeks, had many opportunities to stop and think. He'd thought about it, and decided to keep on torturing the girl.

The second thing he thinks about is that he is afraid. Absolutely terrified for the future of humanity. If he so wishes, John could end it. He could kill every single person on Earth. It's the first time that Vogelbaum regrets creating the serum and creating John.

The third thing he thinks is that he is a fool for ever thinking that John could function in normal society. For being naïve enough to think that the damage he had done the boy could be reversed by time away from the cage that had been his home for his entire life.

The fourth thought he has, after pushing the others away for how useless they are, is that he could perhaps use this to his advantage. Bradley had said that the girl has bene part of John's social group. Meaning that she was part of _Billy's_ social group, given that all John seems to so in school is follow Billy around like a puppy.

That is good, very good for him.


	13. Chapter 13

It's raining during the funeral. It rains a lot in London, John has learned, but it's usually a soft drizzle that is annoying but easy to walk in. Now, though, the rain is falling in large drops fast and hard on the umbrellas everyone has opened.

In movies, all funeral goers have black umbrellas. But this is real life, and people don't buy new umbrellas for one afternoon. So there are some black umbrellas, but also many in different colors. One little boy- a cousin of Eva's from Scotland-has a colorful one with Bob the Builder on it.

John is more then a little disappointed by that. He was looking forward to seeing a movie scene come to life, even though he hadn't exactly thought the logistics through.

Aside from that, things go more or less as John expected. There's a priest saying words in Latin, because Eva's family, unlike most of the students at St. James's, is Catholic. When he's done Eva's father speaks, but he does so in Gaelic, so John has no idea what he's saying. It makes people cry even more, though, so it must be a good speech.

Everyone goes up after his speech to throw dirt into the ground over Eva's while coffin. They make a long line to give their condolences to Eva's mother. The woman is standing by the open grave, clutching her husband's hand and staring at the coffin as it slowly disappears from view. She doesn't respond to anyone, leaving her husband to thank the mourners in her place.

As they get closer to the front of the line, John can see Billy stiffen. He's standing behind Billy with Ruby Monkey and the rest of their class mates much ahead of them. Most of them have already left, taking their cars to Eva's place to help the maid prepare for the wake. Ruby had asked Billy if he wanted them to wait for him and John, but Billy had shaken his head and told her to go ahead, that they would make their own way to the house.

Ruby had nodded, and kissed Billy's forehead, suddenly looking years older and oceans wiser. They had looked at each other, communicating a whole conversation with their eyes before Ruby walked away. John had turned his head away. He hated when they did that.

Coming up to Eva's mother, Billy, still incredibly stiff, goes up to the woman and says, "Mary."

For the first time, Eva's mother turns to look at the person talking to her. She swallows when she sees Billy and lets go of her husband's hand. Taking a few steps forward, she cups Billy's face in her hands and guides him so his head is leaning on her shoulder.

Leaning forward, she whispers some Gaelic-sounding words in Billy's ears, making him shiver in response. She kisses his hair and lets him go, which makes him immediately rush away.

Not bothering to talk to the woman, John sprints after Billy, losing his umbrella in his run, catching up to Billy when he's at the outskirts of the graveyard, leaning against a tree and breathing fast and shallow.

"Billy," John says in a worried tone, placing a hand on the black-haired boy.

Billy hiccups and turns around. His eyes are getting red with tears, and he blinks up at John's face. He takes a deep breath and then surges forward, wrapping his arms around John's neck. John closes his eyes as he pulls Billy close to him, wrapping his arms around Billy's body, burrowing his face in Billy's neck.

"Take me away," Billy whispers into his ear. "Please."

John swallows and replies, "Where do you want to go?"

"Don't care. Far."

John nods, hearing the dismay in Billy's voice, "Let's take the bus to my place and take me sister's car."

The school gave them the whole week off to mourn Eva. He could steal Billy away for a few days without Billy's grades suffering.

"And then we'll go away," John tells Billy. "As far away as you want."

\---

John can see Bradley standing at her bedroom window, looking down at him as he comes out of the house with a pair of car keys and a backpack. She hadn't come down to talk to him when he came in, which is good. He doesn't want to deal with her right now.

He had listened to her talk to Vogelbaum while he was taking the bus to the funeral. He knows he's coming-well, he will just have to wait for John to come back. Let's see if he can survive being in London for more than a few hours.

John opens the car door for Billy, and then goes around to the driver's seat (Billy, Eva and Ruby had taught him to drive a while ago, before he found out about Mr. Beckett. He had pretended to need to learn how to drive on the other side of the road to get their lessons. When he figured it out, he had shown off his abilities to Bradley, and she had forged him a driver's license). As he drives away, John sticks his arm out of the window and gives Bradley the middle finger, grinning to himself.

\---

John drives as fast as he can, because it seems to calm Billy down, to be able to watch London grow smaller and smaller behind them.

Billy hasn't said a word from the moment they got in the car. He's sitting with his head cradled in his arm, leaning against the window. John had tried to talk to him a few times, asking what direction he wanted John to drive, if he was hungry, if he maybe wanted them to take a break. But Billy had just shrugged in response to all those questions, and John had finally decided to let him be.

At around midnight, John spots a motel at the side of the road. He flicks his eyes to Billy, finding him finally asleep, so John decides to take matters into his own hands. Billy should not be sleeping in his car, he deserves a comfortable bed.

He parks the car in front of the front desk and walks in. There's a young woman cleaning her nails behind the desk that looks up when he walks in. He can see the disappointment in her eyes that she's going to need to do some _actual_ work.

"I need a room with two beds," John says curtly, taking his wallet out.

"Right then," The girl sighs dramatically, hands John a key and says, "Room fourteen. Payment now. The room's yours until tomorrow at one."

John pays and turns away without a word. He gets back in the car, finding Billy still fast asleep. After driving up to their room he opens Billy's door and leans down next to him.

"Billy?" He whispers, placing a hand on Billy's knee. "Wake up, we're at a motel."

Billy mumbles something, yawns, and then turns his head to blink at John, still disoriented and ninety per cent asleep, "Wha?"

"Motel," John heaves his backpack over his shoulder, unlocks Billy's seatbelt and helps him out.

Billy collapses against John, allowing himself to be led to the room and into the closer bed to the door. John helps him under the covers, takes his shoes and pants off and covers him with a blanket before he can look at Billy's exposed legs.

John sits down on the other bed, taking his shoes and pants off while looking at Billy's sleeping face. He looks exhausted, face spotty with tears. John gets on his own bed and pulls his own blanket over himself, falling asleep still looking at Billy.

He wakes up what feels like a few moments later to the feeling of a body crawling into the bed next to him. He turns so he's lying on his back, allowing Billy to comfortably place his head on John's chest.

\---

When John wakes up the second time, early in the morning, he finds himself alone in the bed. He can hear the water running in the shower and yawns, pulling himself up to a seated position. He rubs his eyes as the water stops and the bathroom door opens.

And out comes Billy, a short towel tied around his hips. It hides his penis but very little else. John swallows and crosses his legs, pressing his dick down.

"Mornin'," Billy says, water dripping down his chiseled, scarred chest and John wants to lick it ooo of him. "Shower's free."

"Ok," John replies, tearing his eyes away from Billy's exposed body. "I brought two tooth brushes and some pairs of underwear and shirts. My pants don't fit you, so…"

Billy smiles, and the clear fondness in his eyes takes John's breath away.

"Ain't that sweet," Billy grins and flops down on his own bed, grabbing John's backpack. "Go shower, Johnny."

John smiles and goes to take a shower. He dresses in his old clothes again and goes back out to find Billy ready to go.

They pay and then go back on the road, driving away from the direction of London again.

It seems like the night's sleep had rejuvenated Billy a bit. He still seems sad and drawn back, but he isn't completely quiet. He answers John's question and gets into a heated discussion with him arguing about different interpretations of _Lord of the Rings_. John will take it.

They stop after two hours at a small town with a café that they have breakfast at.

When the waitress comes with the check, Billy takes out a wallet and drops a few bills on the table. John looks down at the money and frowns, "Where is that from?"

Billy glares at him and says, "Why d'you want to know?"

"I just…" John shrugs.

"I ain't sucked no cock for it," Billy snaps, glaring at John.

"I didn't say-"

"But you thought," Billy says, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

John shrugs, unable to lie to Billy, even when the question is only in the lift of his eyebrows.

Billy doesn’t seem to mind much, now that he won the argument. They pay and then start walking around the streets of the town idly. After a few moments, John asks, "Where did the money come from? Did your mom give it to you?"

Billy snorts, "I nicked it."

"You _stole_ it?"

"Don't sound to bloody shocked," Billy grins, throwing an arm around John's shoulders to pull him in into a rough embrace. John shivers lightly, but forces himself to keep walking when all he wants to do is collapse on the ground and drag Billy over him.

"I'm scandalized, William," John says severely.

Billy laughs, pulling John with him.

They go back on the road after that, driving for a few hours before John has to stop to refuel the car. While he does that, Billy goes into the convenience store and comes out holding a bag with chips in it-and enough snacks hiding in his clothes to feed them for the whole day.

Finally unable to hold himself back anymore, John says, "You steal a lot for someone who wants to be a police officer."

Billy snorts and gets back in the car, throwing John a Double Decker, which John catches while his heart pumps harsh in his chest. Billy knows his favorite type of candy.

John stuffs half of the chocolate bar into his mouth, waiting to see if Billy will respond. Glancing at Billy, he sees that the other boy is looking out of the window with contemplate eyes, tracking the trees as they appear and disappear from view. Eventually Billy turns away from the window and towards John, and says, "All right. I don't have no bees, yeah? Me friends back home don't have no bees. We don't have nothin' we can pay with. But if we swap somethin' and the bobbies come, what d'you think will happen?"

It's clearly a genuine question, so John replies, "You'll get a warning?"

"Not where I'm from. If it were Ruby or you-yes. But me friends and me-we'd go straight to the rusty."

"Even if it's the first time."

"Aye."

John thinks about that for a moment and then asks, "Is that why you want to become a police officer? So you can change that, make it fairer?"

"Aye, gold star."

John looks at Billy with wide eyes. He cares _so_ much. Not about everything, he clearly didn't care about the worker at the convenience store. But there's so much that he cares about, and he cares about these things so strongly: his friends, his mother, his community back home. He cares about John, but John is just one more brick in the wall Billy stands on, using the height to survey the world.

But the thing is, John only has Billy. Billy isn't a brick in John's wall-he's _the wall_. He's the only important thing in John's world, and it hurts, it really does, knowing that if they left each other's life, Billy's wall might rock, but his would collapse, throwing him down into the darkness below, where he had spent his entire life before first seeing the black-haired boy on the bus that first morning in London.

"John."

Shaking his head, John turns to look at Billy, finding him watching him intently. John has to quickly look away, or he never would, and then chances are he'd crash the car and Billy might get hurt by that.

"Yeah," He says.

"We don't need to drive no more."

John nods slowly, "Do you want to head back to London?"

He allows himself to turn and look back at Billy. He's hunched into himself like a human ball, looking out of the window, blinking his eyes like he's trying to stop himself from crying. Swallowing, John takes the first road out of the highway he can find and stops at the side, in front of a huge empty field.

Billy barely moves when John unbuckles him, but allows himself to be drawn out of the car seat. He sits next to John on the front of the car, and hugs his legs to his chest.

John doesn't say anything, remembering how, when he had been sad, Billy had waited for him to talk without pressuring him to say anything. Who knows how long Billy had waited? John is willing to wait for him as well.

Billy sniffles, and rests his chin on his knee, "It keeps comin'. The sadness."

Having no idea what to say to that, John elects to remain quiet.

"At the funeral," Billy goes on, his voice only a bit above a whisper. "Eva's mum, she gave me a blessin'. A Gaelic one. The one she used to give Eva when she was a dustbin. Think she meant to say thank you."

Silence again, but this one doesn't last for a long time.

"I don’t deserve that. I let Eva die."

John frowns, "What are you talking about? You tried to save her."

But Billy shakes his head, "She asked me, see, not to get her parents. Begged me. But I bloody did. And we got back-and she was danglin'."

Closing his eyes, John takes a deep breath. Now _this_ is a hurdle he hadn't anticipated. He had never expected that Billy would blame himself for Eva's death. That's on John-he did the whole thing. Billy doesn't get to take credit for that. He thinks about the first person he killed, the woman that had paved his way to Billy. That one had not been his responsibility, Vogelbaum had admitted so himself. It was Vogelbaum's fault for raising him the way he had, stripping him of his humanity. Everything in London, the two deaths and all the suffering he put Eva through, that's his. He owns it, it belongs to him.

"It's the fault of whoever hurt her," John says sharply. "He made her suffer so much, and he's the one who killed her-" Billy doesn't need to know how literal he is by saying that- "It's on him. Only him."

"But she begged me. I shoulda listened to her-"

"What, and let her keep getting abused? That sounds like a good idea."

"But she's dead!"

"Billy," John snaps, grabbing Billy's shoulders and shaking him gently. "You had no way of knowing she would do that, and if you hadn't called her parents, the man would have raped and beat her more, and she would have ended up killing herself eventually anyways. You did the right thing. It's just…sometimes doing the right thing doesn't work, ok? Sometimes bad things happen and it's not our fault."

Bad things had happened to him from the moment he came into the world. But none of them had been his fault. He had followed Vogelbaum's orders, done as he was told. And bad things happened anyways.

Billy blinks and nods carefully, collapsing against John to hide his face in John's sweater.

"I hate him," Billy whispers.

"I know," John says, heart clenching in pain.

"Don't want to go home yet," Billy whispers. "Please."

"We won’t," John promises. "I'll stay away with you for months if you want."

He feels Billy smile tiredly.

By the time they find a hotel to stay in, in another small town, it's too late to go out and do anything, but far too early to go to sleep. Billy collapses on one of the beds and pats the space next to him.

John doesn't need to be asked twice, jumping on the bed and leaning against the back, "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"No," Billy says quietly, serious and calm. John swallows as Billy moves, placing his leg over John's, placing himself on John's lap, his ass settling on top of John's dick.

John does not squeak.

"Don't want to watch nothin'," Billy whispers. "John-"

"Can I kiss you?" John blurts out.

Billy smiles gently, "Go on, then."


	14. Chapter 14

Billy and John's first kiss had been a performance, at least a bit. It had felt like a private affair, but a private affair crafted for a crowd-if that made any sense. They hadn't been alone, that first time, and were both acuity aware of the crowd watching them, of the fact that theirs wasn't the first kiss of the night and as such held no special place in the room for anyone but themselves.

This time, though, is just for the two of them. There is no one else there and, perhaps more importantly, the shadow of the Billy-Ruby pairing has been lifted.

The difference is not clear right away. Billy puts his arms around John's neck and tilts his head, pressing their lips together in a sweet kiss. The gentle touch only lasts for a moment, though, before Billy's tongue licks its way into John's mouth. John gaps out loud when Billy's hands tighten around his neck and plunder his mouth.

"Billy…" John whimpers, curling his arms around Billy's back. "Please-"

"Hush," Billy whispers, taking his arms away from John's neck. He places his hands on John's shoulders and pushes him, hard. John allows himself to be moved, pushed down so he's lying on the bed. Billy moves over him, resting his hands on John's chest, eyes moving up and down John's body. And then he straightens up and, in one flowing motion, takes his shirt off.

John groans at the sight of Billy's beautiful body, and when Billy motions him to, raises his arms to allow Billy to take his shirt off. Billy lets out a small whistle, eyes darkening with lust. It makes John squirm and turn his head away.

"Beautiful," Billy whispers.

John blushes deeply.

A finger is placed under John's chin, turning John's head so they're looking at each other again, "What? Don't think so?"

"I know so," John replies. "I'm attractive."

Billy snorts and leans down to kiss John again, gently, "Your aces. John-"

"Yeah?"

"Other than Eva…you a virgin?"

"Um," John thinks for a moment and then decides that the idiot Allan he killed does not count. "Yes."

Billy nods and crawls over John, kissing his neck, leaving the spots his lips touch burning as if he'd placed a light candle on them. John twitches as the lips go lower, to his chest, and he feels Billy whisper again his skin, "We’ll go real slow."

"I don't-I don't want to go slow-fuck!" John gasps, a sudden thrill of pleasure pulsing through him. He looks down, dazed, to see Billy licking his left nipple and oh-that feels nice. "B-Billy, again?"

He feels Billy smirk, and watches one of his hands go up. John quickly grabs the sheets so he has something to hold on to that's not Billy's hair as Billy's fingers latch onto his right nipple while his lips latch on to the left.

He starts sucking while rolling John's nipple between his fingers, and John-John doesn't know what the fuck is happening. He knows what he's feeling is pleasure, of course, he's felt it before with Eva and his own hand. But this pleasure is different. It's stronger, somehow.

"Billy- _Please_ -"

Billy's lips leave John's nipple, his fingers still and John whimpers, because that was _not_ what he had been begging for.

"All right?" Billy asks, voice gentle.

"Yes, Billy, please," John breathes out, struggling. He finds that he wants to raise his hands from the sheets but he can't.

Billy's eyes flicker down to his hands and widen like he understands something, which is really confusing and annoying because John doesn’t understand _anything_.

"John," Billy says carefully. "Want me to tell you not to move?"

John's heart skips a beat and without thinking he says, "Yes, yes."

Billy nods and grins. Suddenly his whole face seems to change, growing harsh and commanding. It makes John whimper.

"John," Billy says, voice lower and deeper than normal. Fuck. "Put your hands on the head boards."

Quickly, John rushes to obey.

"Hold it tight."

John obeys.

Billy smirks, "Good. Well done."

John shivers.

Billy leans back again, once again latching his lips and fingers to John's nipples, and John is back to being lost in a haze of pleasure.

He thinks he understands now, the difference. The difference is that John can-can collapse. He's not in control anymore. Billy is in control, and John can rest. It's not like in the lab, where he also had absolutely no control over his life. It's different because this time it's Billy, not Vogelbaum. And Billy can be trusted, Billy will never ever hurt him, Billy is safe, Billy has always been safe.

But that line of thought is dangerous, because it makes him think of Vogelbaum, who's coming to London and who knows what John did to Eva and what will he say what will he do what will he want-

"John," The commanding voice forces John away from his thoughts, and he turns to look at Billy, centering himself in those dark eyes. "Don't drift away."

"S-stay with you?" John whispers. _Will you stay with me?_

"Aye," Billy whispers right back, and moves up. John is about to complain about Billy leaving his nipples, but the harsh look sparkling out of Billy's eyes makes him close his mouth again. John can trust Billy, he knows what he's doing.

Proving him right once more, Billy kisses John, harsh and strong, making his way into John's mouth. John tightens his hold on the bars, as tight as he can get without breaking them, while Billy licks his lips and his teeth and then grabs John's tongue between his teeth and bites, gently.

Billy draws John's tongue out of his mouth and into Billy's, and starts sucking on it like he's been sucking on John's nipple and John whimpers and feels his hips thrust upwards automatically.

Breaking the kiss, Billy gasps lowly, pressing their foreheads together for a moment. And then he's moving again, making his way down to John's crouch. John closes his eyes for a moment and then opens them again as Billy gently strips him of his pants and underwear. John raises his legs as Billy prompts him to do so, and shivers as Billy caresses his legs gently, reverently, as he throws the pieces of clothing around.

"Good goin', Johnny," Billy whispers, placing his hands-on John's legs. He pushes gently, moving John's legs apart. John shivers, feeling the cool air on his growing dick. "You're aces. I'm gonna suck your cock. That good?"

"That's good, it's good," John groans. Fuck. What a fucking dumb question.

But Billy doesn't do anything, just keeps looking at John, eyes hot and lustful but still so, so commanding.

"Um…" John blinks. "Billy. Billy, I thought you said-Billy can you suck my cock?"

"Aye, love," Billy responds, and before John can even began to process that term of endearment, Billy ducks down and licks John's dick like it's a popsicle.

"Em," John groans. God, that one lick was like a jolt of electricity into his dick. He feels himself stirring, starting to rise.

He feels Billy smirk against his dick and lick again, a few times. His nose rubs against John's head, which jolts John, making his whole body go stiff. Billy freezes for a moment, and then raises his tongue to lick at the head.

It's so powerful, it's wonderful, and John feels himself drifting. He can see Billy's head, his beautiful black hair, the back of his neck. But he can't see his eyes and he can't hear him and suddenly John feels so alone and terrified. He holds on to the bars but that's not enough, it's not Billy, the bars belong to the hotel.

"Bi-Billy," He gasps. "Am I doing good?"

_Tell me I'm doing good, please._

Billy's mouth leaves him, but his hand is there to replace it as he kisses John's forehead and says quietly, "You're doin' so, so good. Bloody amazin'."

John nods, feeling his body relax. Billy tilts his head, looking down at John, and then kisses him, overtaking his mouth and mind so all John can think about is Billy and pleasure and the pleasure Billy is giving him.

Once the kiss is over, Billy says, "I'm goin' back."

The phrase isn't a question, but there definitely is one in his eyes. John nods, even though he doesn't want Billy to keep asking him these questions. He wants Billy to decide.

Billy smiles, and then goes back down. And without another word swallows John's dick whole.

"Fuck!" John swears, slamming his head back on the headboard. Oh, fuck, oh _God_. Billy is sucking him fast and harsh and powerful and this has just started but he's already so, so hard and- "Billy, I'm going to come-"

Billy hums, taking John deeper and oh, fuck, John can feel Billy's throat muscles and how the fuck did Billy get his dick all the way back there and how isn't he choking how come he can still breath and holly fuck John had no idea that was something humans could do but maybe actually Billy is a supe he certainly-

John yells as he comes, his come pulsing hot and thick into Billy's throat.

And that's the end of that.

\---

"Let go, Johnny," Billy breathes and John obeys, collapsing on the bed. He closes his eyes, feeling his whole body go limp, as if all his bones have turned into liquid. John feels a warm hand go under his neck.

John is moved so his head is nested on Billy's chest. He keeps his eyes closed while Billy runs his hands through John's hair and down his spine. They lay like that for a long time, and when John opens his eyes again it's completely dark outside, like it's the middle of the night. He turns his head up to see that Billy is looking out of the window, eyes distant and searching.

"Hey," John says softly, rubbing Billy's chest with his cheek.

"Hello," Billy replies, leaning down to smile quietly at him. "You all right, then?"

"Of course," John shrugs, sitting up. "That was…Well."

Billy grins, looking very pleased with himself, "Real good, aye?"

"Um, Billy," John frowns down at the sheets for a moment. "Have you…Did you ever do that before?"

"Suck a cock?" Billy asks dryly, but then grins when John rolls his eyes at him and throws his sheets off, "Right, right. Yeah, I have."

"With-" John sighs deeply. It’s so hard to think with Billy's exposed chest staring at him like that. "Your clients?"

Billy nods, leaning backwards, "Aye. Lots of men like to control young lads. Some like to be controlled by them. _Lots_ like to tie them up."

John's eyes widen at that. Billy tilts his head at him.

"You wanna tie me up, Johnny."

John whimpers, "Huh?"

He really, really doesn't. He doesn't like the thought of Billy tied up, unable to move.

"Hmm," Billy hums, yawning and nuzzling against John. "Night, love."

"Goodnight," John replies, wrapping his arms around Billy. "Love."

He feels Billy's smile against his chest as the two of them tumble to sleep.

\---

Billy isn't in bed in the morning. John takes a deep breath when he wakes up and realizes that, forcing himself to stay calm. He listens and looks around, finding Billy sitting in the hotel's garden where the breakfast is served. Billy isn't eating, just sitting by a fountain, hands running over the water.

He looks sad.

John gets up and dresses, quickly making his way down to the garden. He sits next to Billy, waiting for his presence to be acknowledged.

"Mornin'," Billy says, dipping his finger deep into the water. He turns to look at John, mouth drawn back in a small frown.

"Good morning," John replies. "Do you want to have breakfast?"

Billy nods and goes to sit at the table with John, making it clear that John should order for him. John does so, feeling anger grow in him. Billy is grieving again, his thoughts taken over by Eva. Dead Eva, unimportant Eva. Who still commands a place in Billy's mind.

John wants to _cut her out_ of there. But he can't. He can't change the thoughts going through Billy's mind, has no control over that arena. Never has, never will.

He can alter and twist the whole world to suit his needs and wishes. But not Billy. Never Billy.

"We should head back," Billy says, playing with the food on his plate.

 _Not yet_ , John wants to scream. _Stay with me away form everyone for a bit longer. Please._

"Sure," He ends up saying.

\---

It takes them a day and a half to get back to London. The first day, they take turns at the wheel and stop a few times to get something to eat. The ride is calm and pleasant, full of laughter and conversation, and John thinks he's in Heaven.

He's wrong, because that night they stop at another motel and Billy jerks them both off, his warm hand wrapped around both their dicks together and _that_ is Heaven.

They go into the shower together, and Billy stands under the spray, eyes closed and face so relaxed and beautiful something in John just sort of snaps. He grabs Billy and slams him against the wall, not really hard, though, and kisses Billy harshly.

Billy moans, cupping John's cheek in his hand. It feels good, but John grabs both of Billy's wrists, pulling them up above Billy's head, trapping him in place. Billy goes still, watching John, and then grins wickedly, "Jerk me off, Johnny."

John shivers. It's odd, how even though he's the one holding Billy down it's still so very clear which one of them is in control. He doesn’t know how Billy does it, it's fucking impressive.

He places his face in the crock of Billy's throat and breathes in his scent as he leans down to take hold of Billy's dick. Billy lets out a sharp breath as John begins to rub the head of his member.

Billy's dick is longer but thinner than John's, and it feels different in his hand then his own, making it impossible for him to forget, even for a second, that this is Billy in his hand.

As he starts pumping Billy's dick, and Billy shivers and gaps and collapses in John's arms, John latches his teeth on Billy's throat, allowing the sensation to ground him close to Billy.

"Good, good," Billy gasps, withering in John's hold. "Make me cum, love. Go on then."

John moans, biting Billy's skin, "Say that again."

"You're good," Billy says, somehow knowing which of his statements John had wanted to hear again. "Bloody marvelous, Johnny."

Letting go of Billy's throat, John reaches out to kiss him gentle and sweet as Billy comes in his hand. And then he suddenly grabs John's wrists and twirls them around, reversing their position. Grinning wickedly at John, he gets on his knees and starts blowing him again.

So that's the first day of travel back to London. The next day they go to have breakfast at a diner close to the motel, both ordering an enormous pile of pancakes. Billy gets ones with blueberries and John with bananas, and the two swop pancakes between them, testing which one is better.

Billy pays for breakfast, and John doesn’t try to fight him on it this time. He realizes that he's been paying for all the motels and hotels, and Billy hasn't said a word about it, and that that might be because Billy doesn’t have the funds for those things. If Billy can pay of pancakes-let him pay for pancakes. John knows that Billy isn't very ashamed of his economic situation. Just a bit. And this helps ease the sting.

The first hour of the drive is nice, but then Billy grabs John's hand and clutches it hard, biting his lip, and John can tell that he's thinking of Eva again.

John squeezes Billy's hand back, thinking about how much he hates this. He wants to be the only thing in Billy's life, but taking things away just seems to make them more important to Billy. Mr. Beckett, Eva-is he ever going to get over those people?

Luckily, the melancholy doesn’t last long, and after only two miles Billy says, "Thanks, Johnny."

John just nods.

\---

Vogelbaum is in the townhouse, waiting for him. He's sitting on one of the sofas, hands curled around a glass of wine. He and Bradley are talking, but John doesn’t expend his hearing to eavesdrop as he makes his way through the city streets. He'll be there soon enough, and then he's sure he'll have an earful of Vogelbaum.

Instead he wants to listen to the radio with Billy and find out what songs that John likes Billy likes as well, and what songs he despises. He's almost happier to find out about the ones they disagree on because that means they can argue about it, and arguing about taste is ridiculously fun. Since none of them can actually convince the other, the argument is purely for entertainment and there is no tension.

Billy loves arguing. And he's, of course, fucking amazing at it. His intelligence, uncanny ability to read the people around him and breathtaking charisma make him almost impossible to resist. This is usually not a problem, because his intelligence also means that he tends to be correct about most things. But John has noticed a few times when Billy's persuasive abilities had been used for evil. Billy isn't always right, but he thinks he always is because he doesn’t have enough experience in being wrong to know what that feels like.

So one time he had very confidently told his group of friends that going to a certain pub was, 'a bloody good time', despite Monkey warning it was too late and there were sure to be some incredibly drunk people there. They had gone, of course, and one of said incredibly drunk people had tried to fondle one of the girls' ass.

Naturally, it had ended in a brawl and their group of friends running away to avoid the police.

"Yeah, that ain't gone well," Billy had summarized that night.

The point is that despite appearances, Billy isn't perfect. Which makes it so odd to John that he's willing to trust him so much, that he's willing to give Billy full control over him.

John doesn’t understand himself when it comes to Billy. It's all very confusing.

"I can give you a ride home," John offers as he parks the car next to the bus stop close to John's place. John turns to look at Billy, finding that he's not quite ready to say goodbye to him yet. He's also incredibly uninterested in going back home to confront Vogelbaum.

Billy shakes his head, though, and takes off his seat belt, opening his door. John clenches his wheel to stop himself from grabbing Billy and driving away with him. Maybe back to the motel so Billy can tie John up.

"Hey," Billy says with a grin, motioning John closer with his finger. John obeys without thinking, and gets a soft, long kiss as a reward.

When they part, Billy takes a deep breath, as if stealing himself, kisses John's mouth quickly one last time and then, before John can react, gets out of the car and closes the door behind him.

John closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath and shaking his head. Well. It's time to go face Vogelbaum again.

How fun.


	15. Chapter 15

John looks tired when he comes into the townhouse, like a young boy returned home from a vacation. Vogelbaum looks at him from his place on the sofa as he drops his bag on the floor and walks over, and Vogelbaum gets it. He understands how John has managed to fool people into thinking that he is a normal, average teenaged boy.

He looks the part, no doubt about it.

His style of walk has changed, gone much less stiff and much more agile. His back is no longer held pencil-straight. He's got his hands in his pockets as he leans against the chair in front of Vogelbaum. In the past, he would have sat down, hands on his lap, body straight and controlled.

There is nothing about him that would raise suspicion. If Vogelbaum had seen him walking down the streets, nothing but the fact that's unnaturally good looking would stand out. A few months ago, Vogelbaum would have been incredibly pleased by this change, now it just scares him.

"Did you enjoy it?" Vogelbaum asks quietly, tightening his hold on the wine glass Bradley had handed him. He'd been waiting for nearly two days, spending most of his time like this, sitting around the apartment, sometimes working, sometimes reading, sometimes just looking out the window and thinking, imagining what the sights of the street might look like through John's eyes when he moves around his home.

Bradley had left a few minutes earlier to go shopping and Vogelbaum discreetly hopes she won't come back before he and John are done with whatever it is they are about to do. Some type of face-off, it seems. This needs to be done between the two of them and no one else. At the end of the day, no matter how much responsibility he has handed over to Bradley, John is his creation and the buck stops here.

John frowns, seeming to think about it for a moment before replying, "Which part?"

"Will you sit?" Vogelbaum asks, not wanting to have this conversation while being forced to look up at John.

"No."

No, the boy says, with barely an infliction or flinch in his expression. Controlled and clear.

"No," Vogelbaum echoes. He takes a deep breath and says, "That's a first. You've never disobeyed me before."

"Well, maybe when I was very young," John replies.

"Maybe," Vogelbaum agrees. "But that was a very long time ago."

John nods, "I remember it all, though. So it's not like it's gone."

"Yes, I suppose that's true," Vogelbaum allows. "Now, are you going to answer my question?"

"About if I enjoyed it?"

"Yes, John," Vogelbaum sighs. "That."

"Answer mine first, then," John folds his arms. "Which part are you talking about? The sex I had with Eva, or how I hurt her-"

"You didn't have sex with that girl," Vogelbaum says through gritted teeth. God help him, how had he failed so deeply? "You raped her."

John snorts, "You're nitpicking now."

"No. It's not nitpicking."

Shrugging, John replies, "Well. Agree to disagree, I suppose."

Vogelbaum looks up at the ceiling as he says, "Did you enjoy raping Eva, John?"

Looking back at John, Vogelbaum sees the boy squinting in thought before he says, "Yes, I did. Not as much as other things, but yeah."

By _other things_ , Vogelbaum is sure he means _other people_ , and by _other people_ John probably means _Billy Butcher._

So. John and Billy have taken a few steps forward in their relationship since John and Vogelbaum talked last. Vogelbaum isn't entirely sure how to feel about that. It will certainly make the hold Billy has on John stronger, but the things people do for love can be far more horrific then the things they do out of hate.

Vogelbaum nods and leans backwards on his chair, "Did she scream? Did she cry? Beg you to stop?"

John sighs, as if incredibly put upon, and then floats to sit on the chair, finally obeying Vogelbaum. But since he does it at his own time, it doesn't feel at all like a concession.

"The first few times, yeah, she did," John says. He's watching Vogelbaum carefully, as if trying to gauge his reaction. Vogelbaum keeps his face blank. "She learned to be quiet after that."

"She must have hated you," Vogelbaum says.

"Oh, she absolutely despised me."

Vogelbaum watches the boy as he says, "You knew that, could never forget it I'm sure. Could you see it in her eyes?"

"Yes, always."

"And did that take away from your pleasure?" Vogelbaum asks, quite sure he knows the answer.

He doesn't get the expected answer. He had expected John to say _no_ , not to grin at him, expression suddenly full of amusement, cruelty and _lust_.

"Take away?" John purrs. "It made it better. She fought me, but there was nothing she could do, and she knew it. And I knew it as well. I made her my pet, she belonged to me and it was very, very fun. It was a wonderful thrill. I _loved_ it."

They look at each other, the silence between them so heavy Vogelbaum can hear the ticking of the clock.

"You sound quite proud of yourself," Vogelbaum says, voice idle. "It's a bit like a child bragging about torturing a bug, isn't it?"

The crazed look dims a bit, and John snarls, "Torturing a bug doesn’t require any intelligence."

"Does torturing a girl require it?"

John nods, the look retreating even more, "Torturing a bug doesn't require hiding that torture. And bugs can't talk."

"But you didn't," Vogelbaum reminds him. "Manage to hide it, I mean. As soon as she died Bradley found out about it."

John scowls, slumping back on his chair, and now he looks completely normal again, a young boy angry at being confronted by a mistake, "She wasn't supposed to die. If I was going to kill her, I would have waited for all of her bruises to disappear. I'm not an _idiot_."

"So. You _did_ kill her."

John freezes and then says carefully, "I didn't have a choice at that moment. She was about to tell. Someone saw her bruises."

"You didn’t plan for that possibility?"

"You can't plan for everything," John says as he glares. "Did you plan for me doing this when you send me here?"

Vogelbaum flinches before he can bring himself under control, "No. I did not. You're right, that was a failure. I failed to plan for this."

John watches him, now looking less like a super-powered psychopath and more like a little boy abandoned by the closest thing to a father he has. It makes guilt and self-disgust grow in Vogelbaum, but he forces the emotion down. He doesn't have time for it right now.

"Why?" John asks in a small voice. "Why didn't you plan for it?"

Vogelbaum sighs deeply, "I didn't ever think you would do something like this."

"You didn't _want_ to believe," John says, voice soft and small.

"No," Vogelbaum agrees. "I really, really did not want to think you would do something like this."

John nods, "Well. You were wrong."

"I was," Vogelbaum agrees. "Very wrong."

John looks at him carefully and then says, "I'm losing a lot of my respect for you."

Vogelbaum startles, the response catching him completely by surprise, "Why?"

"Because you _should_ have known," John tells him. "After you created a creature like me, you should have known. After you spend years hiding the way normal people act from me, after all those years when you taught me that I'm a god-and you didn't expect that I would act according to those lessons? How am I supposed to respect you after that?"

Looking at the boy carefully, Vogelbaum finds himself wondering when John had become so self-aware. He's correct, of course. Vogelbaum should have known. More than that, he shouldn't have allowed John to develop the way he had.

He knows why he did, though. It was much easier to treat John as a weapon, since it meant he never had to think about the morality of John's existence, his life, the purpose of his creation. And after creating a god among men, it was hard not to gush over that. John had nothing, no life outside of the labs, no hopes for being part of humanity one day. Vogelbaum had told him he was a god, because that was the only thing that little boy would ever have.

It's not an excuse, of course. It's not a reason. And it's not even really true, if Vogelbaum is being honest with himself. He'd taught John he was a god mostly because he believed, back then, that he had created a god. That it didn't matter how he treated the baby in his hands, because he was not human. He was immune to trauma and pain.

And even if he truly believed that-and he had- as John grew and it had become clear that powers and intelligence aside, John was a normal child, he should have changed his behavior. Taken him away from the lab. But he hadn’t, because that would have meant losing control over him. He'd only send him out when it became clear that he did _not_ control him, and that a different tactic was needed.

He had done it to protect himself form the monster John was becoming, not to protect John's last sparkle of humanity from becoming extinguished.

It's shameful.

"I understand," Vogelbaum says quietly. "There is no reason for you to respect me. I don't respect myself anymore either."

John blinks at him, then looks away and says, "You're not here for an apology. Not again."

"No," Vogelbaum agrees. "I'm here to make sure you _never_ do anything so reckless again. Acting like this will get you exposed sooner or later. I'm also here to make it clear to you that I _do not_ care how things are progressing in London-" with him and Billy, that is, "-at the end of the school year you are coming back to America and becoming the Homelander."

The boy freezes for a moment and then says, "Billy wants to become a cop here."

Yes, Vogelbaum has expected a reaction similar to that, "That doesn't matter. We need you back home."

"I'm not leaving Billy-"

"We can give him a job at Vought," Vogelbaum interrupts. It's a win-win as far as he's concerned. He's quite interested in having Butcher under his mentorship.

John shakes his head, though, "No. He wants to be a cop _here_."

Vogelbaum sighs and rubs his eyes, "Then you'll have to leave him."

John's eyes flash red as he grasps his chair handle, "I _told_ you. I'm not leaving Billy."

"John," Vogelbaum says calmly, picking up his wine glass. "I'm not going to tip-toe around this. I have far too much respect for you to do that. If you do not come back to the US, if you do anything again to threaten your reputation like this again, I will let your Billy know exactly what you did to his friend."

The boy shakes his head, "You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I?"

"No, you would," John nods slowly and glares at Vogelbaum. "But if you think that I would ever let you do that, you're insane."

"Hmm," Vogelbaum takes a sip of his wine. "Do you really think that I would come to you without having prepared before? I'm not the only who knows, and before you ask, no, I don't know who else knows about this. I send out an email randomly, it reached ten of my people. You can't torture that information out of me, I don't know it."

Eyes widening, the boy jerks his chin slightly and says, "Fine."

"Good," Vogelbaum nods.

John looks down at the floor and says quietly, "I don't want to leave Billy."

This time, it comes out a bit like a beg. _Please don't force me to leave him_.

"I'm sure I can convince the boy to move to America. Perhaps a transfer program between police academies. In this, I need you to trust me a bit. Can you do that?"

"Not particularly," John says bluntly.

Sighing, Vogelbaum rubs his face with one hand, "There are seven months before the end of the year. That's enough time for us to figure this out. You stay low and keep studying. That's what I'm asking for my silence at the moment. Can you do that for me?"

John turns towards the window and looked outside. Vogelbaum watches him as he chews his lower lip, clearly thinking, and then John turns back to him and says, "Yes. And if you tell Billy what I did, I will kill you."

"Then we're in agreement," Vogelbaum raises a hand, and after hesitating for a second, John leans over to shake his hand hard enough to almost break his bones.

But not quite.

\---

_You are coming back to America and becoming the Homelander._

John wonders what Vogelbaum would say if he told him that he had already been the Homelander, every time he went to see Eva. He's quite sure he knows what that response would be-that he wasn't Homelander, it was just John projecting, trying to dissociate himself from what he was doing.

That was really why he hadn't responded like that, because he hadn't wanted to have to explain to Vogelbaum that he was wrong, that John was the boy who Billy loved and Billy would never love a god. So he was the boy and Homelander was the god.

He doesn’t mind being that god, being a god gives him power and control, two things he never had in his life and is reveling in now. Gods, though, are frightening and alienating to humans. Humans can adore and worship gods, not love them. So he's satisfied, putting the god to the side for the next seven months, being just John for now.

For the rest of his life, if Billy stays by his side.

But he _can't_ , because Vogelbaum will tell Billy and Billy won't love him anymore. But he also can't leave Billy alone in London.

John swallows, hugging his pillow to his chest and blinking the tears away. Both of those options are unthinkable. Just thinking about it makes John feel as though there are walls around him that are slowly shrinking and closing around him.

John buries his face in the pillow, looking past it and the building foundations. He tries to focus on the worms slithering around in the dirk. He forces himself to take deep breathes, calming himself down. Vogelbaum is sleeping in the living room. John is _not_ going to cry.

John scowls and punches the pillow. There is nothing he can do right now, and he won't act just for the sake of acting. He would _like_ to go out to the living room and burn Vogelbaum's arms off. He _wants_ to hear him screaming in pain as he bleeds to death.

Well. You can't always get what you want.

Not everything, at least. John sighs and frees his face from the pillow. He turns to look at the clock on the wall. One in the morning. Would Billy still be up? They still have three days before Monday when school starts again, which probably means that yes, Billy most likely is still awake.

He decides to send Billy a message, not wanting to call just in case Billy _is_ asleep and John accidently wakes him up.

_Are you awake?_

It takes Billy around ten minutes to respond, _pub. Cuming?_

John stares at the message. Was that spelling mistake an accident? He decides not to think about it too hard.

_Where?_

Billy sends him an address, and John quickly scrambles up. He gets dressed and slips out of the window, jumping over the fence in the backyard to get to the street, and then forces himself not to run to the but take the bus. Can't show up five minutes after getting the address. That would look weird.

The address Billy gave him is in downtown London, a part of the city that they go to on pub crawls sometimes, though Billy and Ruby seem to prefer the pubs close to Ruby's neighborhood. This place, though, is nothing like those pubs. It's not really a pub-it's a club. With dancing.

John doesn’t get it. He waits in line before being allowed in (he notices that the bouncer doesn't let everyone in, the less attractive or very young-looking people are kept outside), and is immediately overwhelmed by the colors and thundering music. What's the point of going out if you have to scream to hear each other?

There are two floors, with a dance floor on the lower floor. There's a bar on both floors, and John can smell that the alcohol is very good. The club is dark, the only light coming from the colored fixtures on the wall and on the tables, and rainbow-colored spot lights moving around the dance floor. There are tables on the side of the dance floor, where people are sitting and drinking, yelling into each other's ears to have a conversation.

John keeps looking around, catching sight of four cages on the dance floor. His eyes widen when he realizes that there are men in the cages. Men dressed in what looks like metal underwear and nothing more. Their bodies are sculptured and smooth, their chests covered in oil and sweat.

They're not in a cage to stand around, either. They're moving, _dancing_ , clutching the bars to flip and twirl. John stares at them, wondering how often Billy goes to those places. And how he can stop him from doing so.

Looking back at the people dancing, John notices something that had escaped him while he was gawking at the nearly naked men: around seventy five percent of the dancers are men. Another around ten percent are…unclear. So. Yes. This is a gay club.

"John!" John jumps when Billy collides with him, grabbing his face to kiss him hard and long. John groans into the kiss, tucking his arms around Billy to hold him closer.

Pushing away from Billy, John breathes deeply and cups Billy's neck in his hand, "Hi."

"Glad you here," Billy grins, rubbing their noses together. There's a manic quality in his voice that makes John shiver. "Come on, dance with me?"

John nods, but as Billy moves slightly away he grabs his wrists to look at Billy's face. He can smell the alcohol on his breath, of course, but that's not what worries him.

He's put on black eyeliner that bring out the stunning blue in his eyes even more than normal. Usually John would find that incredibly appealing, but right now, since it makes his eyes so much more pronounced, it's impossible to miss the way his eyes are over blown and unclear.

John looks down at the rest of Billy's body, finding him dressed in tight black leather pants and a white, nearly see-through shirt and two black necklaces. He looks nearly edible, and he's clearly also high.

"Billy," John says into Billy's ear. "What did you take?"

Billy laughs, starting to kiss John's neck, "Hell should I know?"

"What do you mean?" John grabs Billy and shoves him away. He can't concentrate when Billy is kissing him like that.

Nuzzling at John's hand, Billy shrugs and says, "Nice bloke gave me a pill."

"What?" John snaps, "Why?"

Billy shrugs and twists away from John's hold, "Thinkin' of Eva."

"So you decided to get high?" John demands, grabbing Billy again when he tries to grind against him. "Billy!"

"Wanted you," Billy murmurs, "Want you now. Dance with me?"

The other option is to take hold of Billy and fly him to the hospital, and that would be very, very bad for Billy's desire to become a police officer.

John looks at Billy, and then nods slowly, "Let's dance."

Billy grins wickedly, and takes John's hand, leading him to the dance floor. They shove past the men grinding against each other and come to a stop closer to one of the caged men. This one is blond, currently hanging from the bars. Billy looks at the dancer and then yells into John's ear, "Looks like you, don't he?"

"Does he?" John yells back, wrapping his arms around Billy's body.

"Mhm," Billy bites John's ear hard and says into it, "Made me want to put me cock in you."

John shivers, but before he can respond to that, or think about it at all, Billy pulls him into another kiss, this one quickly becoming pretty obscene. Billy sucks John's tongue, grabbing his dick and squeezing it.

"Oh, fuck, Billy-" John groans.

Billy smiles against his mouth and then turns to grind against him, back sliding up and down against John's chest, his ass making quick work of John's as-of-now flaccid member.

As they move, and Billy grabs fistfuls of John's hair to tug, John can feel eyes on them. He doesn't turn away, mesmerized by the holy apparition that is Billy Butcher dancing. Or, well, this isn't really a dance, is it. It's the closest thing to sex outside of actual sex that John had ever seen. He doesn't actually know if Billy is a good dancer, but he certainly knows how to make a spectacle of himself.

Billy used his hold on John's hair to pull him down so he can talk right into his ear.

"D'you see them?" He says, continuing to move. "Watchin' us? They all want us. Want to fuck us, take us to the back of the club."

John shivers, holding on to Billy tighter, "They can't have you."

"Can’t have neither of us," Billy replies, turning in John's arms, wrapping his arms around John's neck. "I come here sometimes, to dance. Men try to touch me, they can't. I knew you were waitin' for me."

"I was," John closes his eyes, deciding to ignore everyone around them. He looks down at Billy, imagining him dancing in the club alone, with men all over him, wanting to get close to him, and Billy pushing all of them away because of John, and he likes that thought. He thinks he wants to come here again, and not dance. Just sit on the side and watch Billy dance. He wants to see all those adults trying to get to Billy, and see Billy push them away.

Because Billy belongs to John, and John belongs to Billy, and John doesn't belong to Vogelbaum anymore. And neither does the Homelander. Nothing about him belongs to Vogelbaum. Everything he is, is Billy's.


	16. Chapter 16

Unlike last time, when Vogelbaum leaves in the morning, there is no drama. John sees him to the door at around ten, still blurry and exhausted from the night at the club, and he says, "Keep working at school. You've been doing very well, I'm proud of you."

There is a lot John wants to say to _that_ , but he keeps his mouth shut, wanting Vogelbaum gone more than he wants to confront him. The old man smiles, and John can see the pride in his eyes. He'd hoped to get that non-reaction. It was another fucking test.

It takes all of John's self-control to stop himself from flying after Vogelbaum as his cab drives away. When the car disappears around a corner, Bradley says from behind him, "John. Can we talk?"

"What about?"

"We're going to be living together for the next seven months. That's a long time. I think we should talk."

John sighs and walks over to the table, where Bradley is sitting waiting for him. He takes the chair in front of her and raises an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

Bradley places her hands on the table and looks him in the eye. John has to hold himself back from squirming. He doesn't like how closely he's being watched.

"Are you mad at me?"

John blinks. That was not at all what he was expecting to hear.

"I haven't thought about it," He says honestly.

Bradley smiles, a bit bitterly, "And now that you are?"

Shrugging, John thinks about it for a moment before saying, "I don't have much of an opinion about you."

Bradley nods and takes a sip from her cup of tea, "I expected that. But are you mad at me, for telling Vogelbaum?"

"I knew you would do that," John replies, looking down at the table, "If you found out what I did."

"And you should have known that I would find out," Bradley says, her voice gentle and soft. John grits his teeth. She sounds like she's talking to a baby. And god, John hates her so _much_.

"No, I changed my mind," John snaps and looks back up. "I hate you."

"There we are," Bradley grins. "You're furious at me for telling Vogelbaum."

"Of course I am!" John explodes, jumping up. "He could have taken me away!"

He glares at Bradley, letting his eyes grow red. But Bradley doesn't cower away from him, she just keeps looking up at him, barely blinking.

It hits John like a fucking _plane_ to the chest- she's not afraid of him anymore. He's been put on a very tight leash by Vogelbaum, and she knows it. She's not in danger from him and she _fucking knows it_.

John feels his hands shaking and collapses back into his chair. Bradley can't be controlled anymore. Not that, looking back, he'd ever been able to do that. She had disobeyed him all the time, telling Vogelbaum things he'd demanded she keep secret.

"If Vogelbaum had taken you away, it wouldn't have been my fault. I didn't force you to torture Eva or kill her," Bradley says calmly.

Clenching his jaw, John says, "He wouldn't have known about it if it wasn't for you."

"John, I am not responsible for your actions," Bradley replies. "You're eighteen. You're an adult."

"That's not fair," John says, shocked by the bitterness in his voice. "Vogelbaum said you were in charge of me-"

"I'm in charge of taking care of you-not that you've allowed me to do that-not of your moral baggage. You have to carry that on your own."

John shrugs, "Maybe Vogelbaum does, then."

"No, he does not-"

"He made me who I am!"

"All parents make their children," Bradley responds sharply. "Listen to me carefully: what Vogelbaum did to you was immoral. He needs to carry that. You need to carry your own."

Shacking his head, John says quietly, "He needs to carry mine as well."

"Maybe," Bradley allows. "But _you_ need to carry it all as well."

John snorts, "Why do you think I even care? So I'm morally responsible. Fine. I don't care, I'm a god. You're all just humans, I get to do what I want to do to you."

But Bradley just smiles softly and says, "You don't really think that. If you did, you wouldn't get so upset."

"Oh, shut the fuck up," John flies up. He can't take it anymore. He hovers to the door and jerks it open. "I'm leaving."

"I'll be here," Bradley replies as John stomps out of the townhouse.

John glares forward, hands trembling with anger. He feels as if he's about to explode in fury, and needs to calm down quickly before he can do something he ends up regretting.

Without planning to, John makes his way to Eva's mansion. He flies to the roof and looks down into the room and oh-

The room is dark and empty. Because Eva is dead, because John had killed her.

John blinks down at the room. Not for the first time, John finds himself regretting killing Eva. Billy's mourning had been horrific to see, and now what was John supposed to do when he got mad? What was the Homelander supposed to do? He'd killed his first pet.

Maybe Vogelbaum had been right to never give him one. Clearly he couldn't be trusted with them.

John sighs and rubs the back of his neck. He's going to need to find a new pet, and quickly.

His first thought is to make Ruby his new pet, obviously. He'd be able to hurt her, and that would be nice. But that would also be a very bad idea. Billy might have cared for Eva deeply, but he _loved_ Ruby (no matter how angry that made him, he couldn't pretend that is wasn't true), and would never, ever miss it if Ruby was breaking down the way Eva had, no matter how distracted John made sure he was.

Honestly, it would probably be a bad idea for him to get a new pet from his school in general, given how it had ended with Eva. He couldn't afford another mistake like the ones he had made with Eva.

Though, now that he was thinking about it, he doesn’t need to have one pet, does he? He can just go out whenever he needs it, finding someone in the clubs or pubs and do what he wants before getting rid of them. Or maybe just leave them in the street. Maybe take their eyes so they can't see what he looks like.

John grins to himself, he likes that idea.

Getting up to fly away, John is about to leave before he freezes, hearing a familiar breathing in front of the front door of the mansion.

"Billy," He hears Eva's maid say. He turns to see Billy at the front door, nervously playing with the straps of his bag. "It's good to see you."

"You too, mum," Billy leans forward to hug the woman. "Sorry I haven't been around the past week. Left London. Had to-to…"

He waves his arms as if unable to find the words, and the maid says gently, "You had to get away."

"Bad time, it was," Billy shrugs helplessly. "Shoulda been here for-"

"No. You should have taken care of yourself," The maid caresses Billy's cheek. "The Madame and Sir are in the small sitting room with Madame's brother if you want to come in."

"Thanks," Billy mumbles and steps into the mansion. John follows Billy as he walks through the halls to get to the small sitting room.

Eva's father is sitting next to one of the large windows, quietly talking to a man John vaguely remembers from the funeral, his eyes full of tears and body shaking. He doesn’t even look up when the door opens and Billy walks in. Eva's mother, though, gets up from her seat in front of the electric fire and walks over to Billy.

"Hello, darling," She whispers, taking Billy's hand and walking back to the sofa.

"Hello, mum," Billy says politely. John has noticed that about him, that he seems to be the only person among their friends who treats the parents and workers with the same level of respect. "How…are you all right?"

Both John and Billy wince at the exact same time, clearly both realizing how stupid that question had been. But Eva's mother just smiles sadly and says, "It's been a hard week."

"I'm sorry I didn't come earlier," Billy mumbles. John doesn't think he's ever seen Billy look so uncomfortable.

"That's alright, I'm grateful you came," Eva's mother looks back at the fire. "Ruby has come, she took some things from Eva's room. Would you like to do the same?"

Billy blinks at her, "You giving her shirt away?"

"We’re letting her close friends take home a memento," Eva's mother replies. "If it makes you uncomfortable-"

"No," Billy shakes his head. "I want- I want to take somethin'."

"All right."

John follows Billy as he moves again, going up the stairs to Eva's dark room. After closing the door behind him, Billy collapses down to the floor and hugs his knees, looking around. John looks around as well, to see exactly what Billy is seeing.

Billy looks at the still made bed, at the desk where Eva's math homework is still sitting open. No one has bothered to clean Eva's room in the week since her death, and John wonders what exactly the point of the maid is if it's not that. Billy takes a deep breath and seems to force himself to look up at the ceiling. He's not looking at John, of course, he's looking at the exact spot where Eva's noose had hung, but John still smiles, because it looks like Billy is staring right at him and he likes it when Billy gives him attention.

Rubbing his eyes, Billy gets up and walks over to the bed. He trails his fingers over the blankets, still looking up at the light fixture, and says softly, "Sorry, Evie."

John rolls his eyes.

Billy breathes out sharply, and then starts going through the room, meticulously looking everything over. He gently moves the blankets on the bed, running his hands through all the stuffed animals lying there, opens the perfume bottles on the makeup table to sniff them. He looks at the pictures hanging all over the mirror above the makeup table. He opens draws and picks up books, searching for something to take.

It takes him two hours to go through every single inch of Eva's room before the only area he hasn't checked is the walk-in closet. John hadn't expected Billy to go there, since what is there to find among a girl's cloths? Billy, though, seems to think that there might be something, since he walks in and closes the sliding doors behind him.

The process starts here again. Billy goes through each of the drawers meticulously, picking up each and every one of the shirts, dresses, pants and underwear and studying it. Nothing seems to hold his attention for long, though, and this part goes quicker than John had expected.

After around half an hour, Billy opens a draw full of long-sleeved shirts. Billy picks up a white and grey one with a picture of a cat, a green one that says Live Love Repeat on it, and finally a bottle-green shirt with nothing on it, and a turtle neck.

Billy stares at the shirt, and then collapses on the floor. He doesn't sit down, or even stumble to the ground-his legs give up on him and he falls to the ground like a marionette whose strings have been cut.

And then he lays there on the floor, clutching the shirt to his chest, eyes wide open and filling with shinny tears. John stares at him, confused and unsure.

It's just a shirt, how the fuck could it have that kind of effect on Billy?

He looks at the shirt as Billy breathes out, collecting himself, and narrows his eyes. There is something familiar about that shirt, he thinks he's seen it before.

It takes him a few minutes to realize why this particular piece of clothing has stuck in his mind. it's the shirt Eva wore the day after he tied her throat to the bed and fucked her. It was the first time she had been forced to wear something to hide her neck. It had been a special day because they school had taken them on a field trip to a swimming pool and Eva had stayed outside of the water, unable to reveal her wounds.

Billy had asked if she was sure, and she had said yes, she had 'female issues'. Billy had shrugged in understanding and jumped right into the water, leaving Eva to sit alone on the stones.

The first time Billy had asked, the first time Eva had lied. The first time Billy had accepted the lie.

John swallows, feeling something heavy settle inside of him. He'd been so fucking stupid, focusing so much on the pleasure he got from Eva that he didn't stop to think of the damage that pleasure might inflict on Billy. He had never intended on Billy finding out, of course, but he hadn't worked hard enough to hide it.

He never should have hurt Eva like this. He should have killed her as soon as he first fucked her in the art room. Killed her and disposed of her body like he had Allan. But he hadn't, because he didn't think long-term, he barely thought at all. He just did what felt right at the moment and fuck the consequences.

Billy takes a deep breath, and John's attention zeroes back on him as he sits up, wiping his eyes. Carefully, nearly reverently, Billy folds Eva's shirt and places it in his bag before leaving the bedroom, closing the door gently behind him.

He says his goodbyes politely but dully to Eva's parents and maid, his mind clearly not there. Eva's father shakes his hand and sees him out, and as soon as he's out of sight of the house Billy finds a bench and curls on it, taking his phone out.

That makes John stand up in attention. As Billy places his phone to his ear, he waits to hear the ringing of his own, to be asked by Billy to come get him, help him, protect him fr-

"Billy?"

It's Ruby's voice, speaking softly into Billy's ear.

John's phone does not ring.

"Rubs, hey," Billy says, rubbing his eyes roughly, as if he's trying to hurt himself. John comes closer, pressing against the building he's hiding behind, coming as close to Billy as he can without revealing himself. "You home?"

"Yeah…"

"I went to Eva's."

"Oh," Ruby's voice sounds pained and hurt. God, John hates her so fucking much. "Come sleep over?"

Billy doesn't hesitate before saying, "Comin'."

John stares at his back as he walks away towards Ruby's place.

\---

When Billy gets to Ruby's place, John realizes that he's never been there before, and that Billy has been there enough times to basically become a sixth member of the household.

He lets himself in with a key, and makes his way to one of the living rooms, where he's tackled into a hug by one of Ruby's younger sisters. Ruby's parents, who are watching a movie, look up and smile at Billy, informing him that Ruby is in the kitchen. They don't seem surprised to see him, and act like his presence is nice, but not special enoguh to warrant much of a reaction.

Billy isn't like this in John's place. He doesn’t feel as comfortable with Bradley as he clear does with Ruby's mother, walking over and kissing her cheek.

"Billy!" Ruby nearly drops the measuring glass she was holding when she sees Billy. She rushes over to pull him into a hard hug and John, settling down in the attic to watch, has to force himself to stay in place and let Ruby keep putting her disgusting arms all over his Billy. "I've missed you, love."

"I've missed you as well," Billy breathes out, eyes closing as his body relaxes. "Eva-"

"I know, I know," Ruby hugs Billy even tighter.

They stay like that for some time, before Ruby pulls away gently to look him in the eyes, wiping tears off her own.

"I was making muffins," She says. "Help me?"

Billy hesitates for a moment, and then nods.

\---

"What did you take?" Billy asks a bit later, while he's measuring the flour.

Ruby puts her hands inside her shirt, digging out a glittering gold necklace with a pendant in the shape of a Celtic knot.

Billy almost smiles when he sees it. Not quite, but almost, "Thought Eva's grandmama gave it to her."

"And she was keeping it to give to her own daughter," Ruby nods, turning away as she breathes deeply. "I asked her mum, she told me I could take it. I wasn't sure she'd be all right with it. But I think…I think they're thinking of closing her room."

"What'd you mean?"

"Locking it up, so no one can come out or in. A tomb, like the pyramids. A sacred place. Eva's mum can't go in there, and her dad's been spending all his time in there. He can barely be brought out of it."

Billy shakes his head and pours the flour into the large bowl, "Tomb, hmm? In the middle of a home? What about the folks who live there?"

"They lost their daughter," Ruby says quietly. "I don't know if they consider themselves alive anymore."

\---

"You sleepin' yet?"

"No," Ruby whispers back at Billy, hugging her pillow to her chest, eyes closed.

Billy's sitting on top of his blankets, hugging his knees. He's been sitting like that for a while, staring at the wall. It's been nearly three hours since the two of them had gone to sleep, Ruby on her bed and Billy on the large mattress besides her (which was pulled out from under the bed, yet another sign that Billy sleeping over is not a rare occurrence).

"Can't sleep," Billy says softly.

"Yes, I can tell. Have you truly been trying?"

"Bloody hell, yes," Billy groans.

Ruby grins, opening her eyes and patting the space next to the bed, "Come here, then. Let's talk."

Not waiting to be asked twice, Billy throws his covers off and scrambles up to the bed, jumping over Ruby to settle down next to her.

They both collapse their heads against the pillows and smile at each other, looking more content then happy.

"Now," Ruby says as she rubs her hands together. "Tell me where you've been these past few days."

John stills, watching Billy _blush_ as he says, "Don't really know. We got in a car and drove away."

"We?" Ruby's eyebrow raises in amusement. "Did you take your Yankee with you?"

Billy shrugs, "Seemed like the right thing to do."

"Ohh," Billy giggles. "Did you snog him?"

"A-ha," Billy nods his head, a pleased, simple smile growing on his face.

"Yes!" Ruby laughs, jumping up and hitting Billy square in the chest with her pillow. "Finally. Bloody hell, took you long enough."

She scrambles to sit on his chest, ruffling Billy's jet-black hair.

"How was it?" She demands.

John holds his breath, almost afraid to hear Billy's answer.

Billy smiles and then says, "Bloody magnificent, Ruby. Fuckin' _marvelous_."

John lets the breath out and finds himself smiling, lying down comfortably while he listens to Billy and Ruby laughing together as they fall asleep together on the bed.


	17. Chapter 17

The next few weeks are…bizarre.

Even by the standards of John's new life.

It starts with the first day back at school. John walks into the class, stomach full of butterflies. He has no idea how Billy will treat him when they're surrounded by their peers. He's scared that Billy will act like everything is the same, will hide them just like he hid all his other relationships other than Ruby.

He'd been afraid of some kind of rejection, but had absolutely not prepared himself for what happens. Billy spots him, waves him over, and then grabs his tie and uses it to pull John over to kiss him right on the lips.

Right on the lips, right there in front of around twenty percent of their class.

And then he pulls away and says, "Mornin', John."

Well. That's the start of _that_ day.

No one says anything to him as John sits down and joins the conversation Billy and Monkey are having. Monkey's eyes are wide with shock, and John can hear about five different conversations being whispered around them.

"I knew it…"

"Bloody hell, of all people…"

"Shame for you, Tina, Billy's rather taken…"

"You think this will last long…?"

And while these conversations are happening, the same amount of people are talking about Eva, including Billy and Monkey.

And that's really what's so strange about the weeks preceding the Christmas vacation. There is a disconnect, a pendulumthat keeps swinging back and forth between the haunting of the past and excited anticipation for the future.

It's everywhere John looks. It's in the school grounds themselves, a little shrine for Eva that was erected in one of the hallways that sits right next to a huge window that the students crowd next to one day, excitedly watching the first snow of the year. It's in the classes, where the teachers seem sombre and are careful to keep even more distance between them and the students, probably because of the whole Mr. Beckett fiasco, but are also spending some of their time discussing the future of the students.

It's in the first day they get back, when all the students are called into an assembly for a memorial for Eva, and later in History John's class is given an assignment to write about one mistake they hope humanity won't ever commit again, and how they think that mistake can be prevented in the future.

John does his about human experiments; Billy's is about the practice of confiscating the lands and wealth of people who die by suicide.

But that's the least important bits, of course, the surface level things. The really significant things are those that happen among the students and themselves.

And between John and Billy.

Eva seems to hang over Billy and his group of friends the way a stray cat following you around might. While you're moving around, living your life, going from one place to another so fast the cat can't follow, you can almost forget it. Perhaps sometimes you turn your head and see it there, but it's far enough away that it doesn't interfere, you are safe from its hisses and claws. But if you stop, sit down, allow your mind to go blank, turn away from the conversation, you look down and there it is-and it strikes.

The group seems to go into something of a frenzy, trying to prevent those moments from coming. They meet every afternoon after school, in one of their houses (John's as well, Billy's place is the only one that hasn't been opened to the group), do their homework in light speed (meaning that Billy and John do the homework and everyone else copies off of them, changing the wording so they aren't caught) and then go out. They go to get high in the park or to see a movie or to the gym and indoor pool they have a membership to through the school. But in the evening, they always end up back at the pubs, drinking just enough to forget the world around them, but not enough to make it impossible for them to function on school the next day.

Sometimes it doesn't work, and the cat still manages to catch up. Usually to Ruby or Billy, who, being the ones closest to Eva while she was alive, are the ones the cat tends to attack. And when that happens it’s like the world screeches to a stop and the attacked student crumbles to the ground crying.

Then the rest of them have to spend what feels like hours calming the other down.

But as annoying as those moments are, John isn't really sure that they're worse than the other type-the moments when the group talks about the future.

They talk about the near future, which John doesn’t mind. About plans for the vacation, how Ruby and her family is going to Paris for the whole two weeks, how Monkey is going to stay with his sister in Dublin. But they also talk about the _future_. Well, about The Future. You can hear the capital letters whenever Billy and the others talk about it.

Talks about The Future make John want to scream. They discuss their applications to universities and what people who are going on a gap year are planning on doing. There is an air of excitement around those discussions, and John just sits there, listening.

Every time a conversation like that starts, John can feel the noose around his neck tightening. He starts to think that even if he can get Billy to come to America with him, he's still not going to want to leave. He doesn’t want to go back to regimented life, not having control over himself.

He wants to go to university with Billy. Billy is going to be studying criminology, he's already been accepted into his university of choice, Oxford, at least if his grades remain the same. Whenever he talks about it, his body shivers and he jumps up and down, like his body can't control the excitement he's feeling.

When asked by his friends, John honestly says that he doesn't know what he wants to study. He tries not to think about it too much, because if he does, he might find something he _does_ want to study and will never be able to, and that will just make the noose grow tighter.

Billy doesn't ask John about it, just turns the conversation away from university. Which makes John love him even more.

Billy, of course, is the most important thing in John's life. The only thing about that that has changed is that John is now becoming more and more important in Billy's life. They spend almost all of their time together. In school and when the group goes out, they're inseparable. And at the end of the evening, when everyone disperses into groups, Billy follows John back to his place sometimes and sleeps over.

John asks Billy to come over every single time, but Billy wants to go home to see his mother most of the time. But when he does stay over, John is in heaven. They lay in bed together, even though Bradley makes up a mattress for Billy on the floor next to John's, and then Billy moves.

It's always Billy that moves first, tilts his head forwards and captures John's lips in a kiss. They don't do anything more then that during the night given Bradley sleeping right above them.

Still, though, it amazes John what Billy can do with just a kiss. He places his body above John and leans over to claim his mouth. And with just that, with just a tongue lapping into John's mouth and licking his lips, Billy takes over John's entire being.

John doesn't need to think, he doesn't need to worry about his future or present or past. His mind stops and his body takes over. He feels everything a hundred times stronger than he normally does. Because he doesn't need to _think_ , he can just _feel_.

And fuck, those _feelings_. The rush he gets when Billy caresses his body and ravishes his mouth is like nothing he had ever felt before.

He can tell, during those nights, that Billy has a lot of experience with these types of activities. You can tell with every single brush of his fingers, every gentle move of his tongue. When this starts, the first few nights Billy sleeps over, John feels a growing pit of fear inside of him. He doesn't want these practiced touches, he wants-

Authenticity.

That's what he wants.

And he gets it, quite quickly. As more nights go by, the calmer Billy seems to get, as if he can stop acting. Stop trying for perfection.

The fingers start to caress in more jerky ways, the tongue starts moving more freely, Billy starts making pleased noises that he had kept in before.

It makes it harder for John to stop thinking, but it also makes it easier to see that Billy is getting pleasure out of their sessions, and that is a more then worthy replacement.

John wants to go further, he wants to be alone with Billy-really alone with him, like they were in the motels. So alone that they can safely do more then the kisses, do even more then they had after Eva's funeral.

There are some things that he wants that he can articulate to himself. He wants to try to suck Billy off. Billy had seemed to really enjoy doing it, and John knows how good it feels to be blown, and he wants to make Billy feel that good.

He also wants to fuck Billy, to do to him what John saw Mr. Beckett do. He remembers the gasps and groans and clouded over look in Billy's eyes while another man thrusts inside of him.

He has dreams about these things, of course. He can't control his mind during his sleep.

It's a bit of a problem when he wakes up fully hard, Billy sleeping with his head on John's chest. Or at least it felt like a problem the first time it happened. He'd nearly squeaked in fear when Billy had started to stir on his chest. But Billy had blinked his eyes open and grinnedsleepily before he reached down to wrap his hand around both of their dicks.

They had placed their open palms over each other's' mouths to make sure Bradley couldn't hear, and John had come within moments.

"Can't do that again," Billy whispers into his ear. "You sister's here."

So when he wakes up hard after that, John just lays in bed and waits for it to come down. He really, really wants to get away.

Bradley, of course, notices that Billy has been staying over often. She seems very fond of the black-haired boy, greeting him with a smile whenever he shows up, so John isn't worried she'll try to stop him from showing up. But she does seem to want to talk to John about it.

Luckily, he's out of the townhouse most of the time, so she doesn't manage to corner him.

Yet another reason to spend so long in the pubs and gym.

\---

Billy jumps into the water, nearly hitting John right on the head, landing with a _splash_ and diving under the water.

"Fuck!" John curses, treading water. "What the fuck was that for?"

Billy's head pops out again with a grin, his blue-tented goggles hiding his eyes, "Don't pout, love."

"I'm not pouting-"

John's cut off by Billy swimming over and throwing his arms around John's shoulders.

"Hello," Billy says, rubbing their noses together.

"Hello, Billy," John responds, sighing dramatically. "I saw you two seconds ago-"

"Hmm," Billy moves to kiss the side of John's neck and then his ear before saying, "Got a question."

"Sure."

"Me mate is plannin' a trip to the woods durin' the vacation. Before the holidays."

"What? Are you nuts?" John snorts. "It's going to be fucking freezing out in the woods-"

"But there's a meteor shower!" Billy responds excitedly, and then whispers in his ear, "We'll keep each other nice and warm, aye?"

John shivers, "Alone?"

"Just me 'n you," Billy says, and John can feel his satisfied smirk against the shell of his ear.

Since Billy already knows he's won, John doesn't bother to answer, just shoves Billy away and they go back to wresting in the water.

\---

Billy's friends turn out to be the same men who had invited him on the party they were supposed to go to before John had killed Eva. They're only three or four years older than Billy and John, and greet Billy with the kind of fond but indulgent air that is usually reserved to younger siblings.

John likes them quite a bit. They go out to a camp site and teach Billy and John how to light on enormous bonfire without matches or a lighter, and don't make fun of Billy when it takes him quite a while to get it and when he does let out the type of screams Billy and Monkey let out when Arsenal scores.

John gets it on his first try, rubbing the branches together so hard and fast there was no chance of fire _not_ catching. He gets excited woops as well, but John has eyes only for Billy, who stares at him and then grins proudly and gives him a quick kiss. John goes still, and looks at Billy's friends, but not one of the three of them seem surprised.

Which means Billy told them about John. John pillows his head on Billy's thigh, belly filling with a warmth the fire could never hope to rival.

One of Billy's friends brings out a cooler full of food, and they all stick hotdogs on sticks and roast them on the fire. While they eat, they lean on the side of the truck (and Billy on John's shoulder) and watch the meteor shower, the fire scaring the cold away.

It's beautiful, and the roasted marshmallows leave a sweet taste in John's mouth. As he looks up at the shooting stars and runs a hand through Billy's hair, John finally feels at peace.

\---

He falls asleep at some point, and is woken up by a hand caressing his face gently. When he blinks his eyes open, it's Billy he sees, taking up his entire field of vision.

"Johnny," Billy whispers, tender fingers running over John's lips. "Get up."

John stares at Billy, his white skin and blue-eyes illuminated by the flickering fire behind him. It seems that his brain to mouth filter hasn't woken up yet, since he breathes out, "You're beautiful."

Billy blinks at him and then smiles gently and says, voice taking on a posh tone, "My thanks, good sir."

"You're very welcome, my good man," John replies in the same tone, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. He looks around and then says in his normal voice, "Why'd you wake me up?"

"It's me turn to watch the fire," Billy says, moving closer to the flames. "Thought you'd want to stay up?"

John nods and sits down next to Billy, "Where is everyone?"

Billy points to the tent in front of them, beyond the fire, "Sleepin'."

"Oh, ok," John pulls his knees up and places his chin on them.

The two of them watch the flickering flames for a while, comfortable just enjoying each other's company. John would have been perfectly content to just stay like that until the sun came up, feeling Billy's warmth next to him. He isn't going to complain, though, when Billy places a hand on the side of his face and leans in to kiss him.

The kiss is just as breath-taking as normal, but John finds it hard to concentrate. They're alone now, really. Billy's friends are sleeping, and the sounds of the woods and powerful winds means that they wouldn't be able to hear anything going on in John and Billy's end of the fire.

So as good as the kiss is, John can't help but think of all the other things they could be doing, and eventually he pushes his mouth away from Billy's roving mouth.

Billy frowns at him, "What's wrong then?"

"I…" John swallows and then, because apparently the brain-to-mouth filter still isn't working, he blurts out, "I want to suck you off."

Billy's eyes widen and he jerks backwards.They stare at one another, and John gets more and more anxious as the stare goes on. Fuck, what had he said wrong? Did Billy not want to let John do that? Why wouldn't he, though?

"You sure?" Billy asks, tilting his head in a way that somehow makes him look like a fae.

John breathes out, "Yeah. I want to try."

"You don't have to," Billy replies, gently. "I-"

"I know I don't _have_ to," John scowls. "I want to. Why are you so shocked by that? You did it to me!"

"You ain't never been with a lad, though," Billy points out. "Ain'tlookin' for you to-to-"

"Push myself?" John says dryly. "You're not pushing me. I want to make you feel good."

Billy blinks at him and then smiles, his expression turning slightly hopeful, "Right then."

"All right," John echoes, placing a hand on Billy's shoulder. He pushes gently, and Billy collapses on the group, laying down with his knees spread. He looks up at John, waiting.

And, oh, no, that's not good. John doesn’t know what to do.

"Billy-"

But Billy doesn’t seem to need John to explain himself, since he just smiles and says, "John."

His voice is sharp and commanding and John feels a shiver go down his spine, his body and mind automatically relaxing.

"Take me trousers off," Billy commands, and John is quick to obey. "Now me pants."

John takes a deep breath and does as Billy says, exposing Billy's familiar dick. He hasn't seen it since their nights in the motels, he's missed it.

"You're really beautiful," John whispers, because Billy needs to hear that as often as John can tell him.

Billy smiles, "You too, love. Now. Put your mouth on me cock and lick it."

John swallows and leans down, until he's inches away from the tip. He opens his mouth and takes his tongue out and licks. It tastes salty and bitter.

Billy groans, "Good lad, again."

John nods and does it again, and then again. Billy groans and moans, and eventually tells him to suck him. John obeys, and takes Billy into his mouth, feeling him get harder and fuller, until his whole mouth is taking over by Billy.

The dick is warm and heavy, so it's impossible for John to forget, even for half a second, that Billy is here, all over him, taking over him. When Billy stops speaking and his voice just gasps and curses, John doesn’t need his words anymore.

Eventually, when Billy gets close and he's cursing colorfully and thrusting his thighs up and down, he grasps John's hair and pulls and then he's coming into John's mouth. The hot liquid is bitter, but John sucks it all in, the physical proof that he had done this, he has brought Billy pleasure.

He collapses on the ground next to Billy, and the two of them lay, gasping and panting, and then Billy says, "Bloody hell. You rather good at that, ain't you?"

"Thanks," John grins, placing his head on Billy's chest, "I aim to pleasure."

Billy bursts out laughing.

\---

Before Christmas, Bradley manages to cajole John into coming with her to get a tree, and they spend an afternoon decorating it where it sits in the middle of the living room. It starts with Bradley working on the tree while John sits at the dining table and tries to read. But all the lights are distracting and Bradley dragging a chair around so she can reach the higher branches is annoying enoughthat eventually he throws the book down and shoves the chair away, grabbing the lights and decorations and moving around the tree in lightning speed to put everything up.

Bradley beams at him, and he ignores her.

On the morning of Christmas, John wakes up to the smell of freshly baked cookies. There are presents under the tree, and Bradley waves him over, like him still dressed in her sleeping clothes, to open them.

Bradley has gifts send over by her friends and family in America, and John had presents send by Vought. There are educational books, things someone in Vought wants him to read, and a copy of _Paradise Lost_ from Vogelbaum. John stares at the book, wondering what the fuck the old man is trying to say with that. Is he meant to be Satan? If he is, would that make Vogelbaum God? That doesn’t make that much sense, given the fact that if he ever did decide to rebel, Vogelbaum has no Hell to send him to.

He throws the book behind him.

Bradley has given him a long white envelope. He squints at it, and then looks inside-three tickets to the Les Miserable musical a few days before the beginning of the new school semester. He looks up at Bradley and asks, "For me and Billy?"

"And me," Bradley replies, throwing on a knitted sweater she got from her grandmother. It looks terrible, and it's hot inside, so what she's doing putting it on John has no idea. "The three of us."

"I don't want you to join," John says.

"The correct response would have been _thank you, Jess_."

John snorts, but carefully pockets the tickets.

When he tells Billy, the next day, about the gift, and the blue eyes widen and sparkle with excitement, he almost goes out to the living room to thank Bradley. During the play, Billy holds on to John's hand in the dark, and turns to look at him once in a while. He barely smiles, just watches John, so John leans in to kiss him.

Afterwards, when they're alone, Billy gives John his gift-but it's the kind of gift that, when asked, he can't tell anyone about. Let's just say it had a lot to do with _leather_.

He thinks his ears remain pink for around two days in a row, and he can't _look_ at Billy's fake leather jacket for around a week after that. When he sees Billy wearing it on the first day back at school, he turns and walks right back out, to the bathroom, because sporting a hard-on in the middle of the classroom would be bad for his standing in the school.

And that's the beginning of the second term.


	18. Chapter 18

Sometimes John looks at Billy and thinks, _I don't know you_. It doesn’t happen often. Usually he knows Billy and knows that he knows him. But there are sides to Billy that he doesn’t understand, and they rear their head once in a while, reminding John of all the secrets hidden inside of Billy's head.

Sometimes Billy stops in the middle of a conversation, in the middle of a sentence even. He freezes while they're walking down the street, eyes following something entirely mundane that has passed his field of vision as if it's an apparition from the past that has come to haunt him down.

It happens sometimes when he's smelling a certain type of alcohol-a specific cheap brand of beer. His eyes go foggy and his voice trails off, and he goes silent for a few moments before shaking himself off and continuing what he was saying. If asked, he acts as if nothing happened.

Billy is also full of contradictions that John cannot, for the life of him, understand. He is a kind and loving, but also sometimes cruel and manipulative, willing to trick and cajole to get what he wants. Sometimes he says things that are like personally crafted bullets, perfect for destroying the insides of whoever he is talking to. He doesn't seem to regret it when he does that, instead acting like he did what had to be done and there was nothing else to say about it.

His baseline comfort with touch shifts all the time. He touches people constantly, openly, intimately. And usually he doesn't mind being touched in return. But sometimes he hates it, and there's no way of knowing when those times will come.

Sometimes Billy will kiss John at school, but a few minutes later, when John will try to kiss him back, he'll suddenly get pushed away, and the foggy, distant look will come back. When that happens, Billy is furious, acting as if John has crossed some kind of unbreakable line.

But since Billy has never told John about that line, and pretends it's not there when John asks, it's impossible sometimes to know exactly how to act around him.

Which is another reason why it's safer and easier to lay down and let Billy take charge, wait for him to tell John what he wants him to do. It makes John feel safe, and it seems to make Billy feel safe as well.

\---

The first time John finger-fucks Billy, they're back in Ruby's vacation home. This time, when Ruby told her parents she was only bringing a couple of friends up there, she was telling the truth, since it's only Ruby, Monkey, John and Billy going up for the weekend.

John isn't going to complain about the much calmer environment. They get there in the evening and barbeque hamburgers and steaks. John and Ruby cut up vegetables for salads while they watch Billy and Monkey fighting over whose hamburgers are better and how done a steak needs to be to be perfect.

They have a competition while they eat, where both Ruby and John are given pieces of steak and hamburger without knowing who made them and have to decide which one is better. Monkey wins on both counts, and Billy mimes fainting from shock, ending up in John's lap.

It's comfortable and oddly domestic, and when Ruby laughs and kisses John's cheek, he almost doesn't hate her.

Then she does the same to Billy and he remembers that never mind, he really does.

After they do the dishes and engage in a bit of a water fight (it starts, as those sorts of things often do, with Billy. This time, he puts his hand deep into the soapy water he's been washing the plates in and takes out a handful of water, dunking it over Monkey's head. Things just go from there), and after changing out of the soaking wet clothes settle down to watch a movie in front of the huge screen. Afterwards they disperse into separate rooms and Billy follows John into the room Ruby had assigned him.

As soon as they're alone, John can see that something different is going to happen tonight. There's a dark look in Billy's eyes, the black blown out in lust, and he grabs John's shirt and pushes him on the bed.

Some time later (John has no idea how long, time loses its meaning around Billy), when they're both naked, hard and panting, Billy straddles John's legs, their dicks rubbing together, his body sleek with sweat, and takes hold of John's hands, placing them on his ass.

John caresses the two globes, feeling the hard muscle and soft skin under his fingers, and looks up at Billy, who's watching him with eyes intent and searching.

"Johnny," Billy says, voice strained from exhaustion. "Want you to bugger me."

John's mind goes offline for a moment. When it decides to do him the favor of returning, he finds Billy reaching past him to the bag thrown on the floor beside the bed. John watches, transfixed, trying to understand what exactly it is that is happening right now, as Billy takes two things out of his bag and places them on his open palms, presenting them to John.

Two packets of lube. They've used those packets before, to make it easier for them to rub their dicks together. John stares at it as if he's never seen it before. He gets the feeling they're about to be used for something different this time.

"Want to bugger me? With fingers?" Billy asks, quiet and hunched over, as if he's afraid of John's reaction, which means John has to kiss him, immediately, to make the worry disappear from the creases of his forehead.

When they pull away from each other, panting softly, John's lips on fire by the touch, he says, "I…yes. I want. If you want."

"Wouldn't have asked if I ain't interested," Billy replies reasonably, voice dry, but John can see the excitement in his eyes.

He slithers off of John, and turns them so Billy is laying on the pillows and John is sitting above him, Billy's beautiful body spread out for him like a buffet.

"Um," John swallows, as always finding it a bit hard to talk and think when Billy is presenting himself like that. "I don’t…I've never-"

"I know," Billy says gently. He places the condom on the night table and rips one of the lube packets open with his teeth, coating his fingers with it. "It's all right. Watch."

Watch-

John breathes out as Billy spreads his legs, exposing the pink hole in between them. Billy catches John's eyes and grins, large and wicked, and then brings his fingers down.

He doesn't slip them in, as John had expected. Instead, he just starts circling, touching the opening with the pad of his thumb while his free hand begins to play with his dick. He closes his eyes and lets air out of his nose, mouth shut and teeth clenched.

As his pinky wiggles past the thumb and touches the opening, Billy's mouth opens, and as he sinks the tip of his finger in, he lets out a soft moan that goes straight to John's own dick.

He watches, hypnotized, as Billy keeps going, sipping his pinky out and then back in, going a bit further this time, and then further still. Before long he's pumping his finger in and out, his eyes still closed but his mouth making pleased noises one after another. After a while Billy, panting and gasping, touches his pinky to his ring finger, and moves back inside, this time with both fingers. 

The sight of both digits disappearing inside of Billy makes John groan, unable to stop himself, and Billy's eyes fly open. John looks up at Billy's eyes, and finds himself struck, completely lost in the lust and pleasant screaming out of Billy's irises.

He wants to help make Billy feel this pleasure, so he hesitantly raises a hand. Billy tears his eyes away from John, looks down at the hand inching forward slowly, and then nods.

He takes his hand off his dick and catches John's wrist, moving it to that position. He leans in and whispers into John's ear, "Go on then love."

John smiles, he knows how to do this, what movements and strength-level and speed make Billy gasp and moan the most. So he does it, watching Billy as Billy watches him, pumping Billy's dick while Billy sinks fingers into himself.

"Want-want-" Billy gasps, and then shakes his head, seeming to give up on the attempt to speak. He grabs John's hand and moves it away from his dick, lower down.

"Wait-" John freezes as his finger touches the ones Billy has buried inside of himself. "I don't-I don't want to-"

"You ain't gonna hurt me," Billy whispers back, body shivering and beads of sweat slipping down his skin. "You ain't."

"Promise?" John asks, knowing his voice sounds young and unsure, and not giving a fuck. "It's-it's not to much?"

"No, it ain't. I promise. Promise, promise," Billy replies with gasps, and John nods, closing his eyes as he allows Billy to guide him in.

"Oh, shit," John gasps as his finger presses in. Billy is so-so warm, and so tight and he can feel Billy's fingers in there with him. It's like putting his finger into a furnace of gentle and loving flames that caress his skin and make him feel warm and held but don't hurt at all.

"Yeah," Billy pants, throwing his head back against the pillow. John leans in to lick the expanse of skin suddenly exposed to him, tasting Billy on his tongue. "Bloody marvelous, Johnny. You bloody marvelous."

John closes his eyes for a moment as a powerful feeling gushes through him like the waves of the ocean. He's not, he's not marvelous. If he was, he would-

"Johnny," Soft fingers on his skin, sweet voice in his ear, and John opens his eyes to meet Billy's smiling ones. "You all right, yeah?"

He is, just at that moment.

"Yeah," John replies, and moves his finger to the side a bit.

"Good-" Billy yelps, and John frowns, not thinking he did anything different. Just moved a bit. He does it again, and Billy yells again, letting out a stream of curses and oh, oh!

"Did I hit your prostate?"

He's been doing research.

"Bloody fuckin' hell," Billy pants. "What the bloody hell d'you _think_ that was?"

"I think it was the prostate."

"Well, ain't you a bloody _genius_!"

"Should I do it again?"

"Yes! Bloody hell, now!"

John is more than happy to obey.

Billy comes a few moments later, and John is quick to follow, sinking his teeth into Billy's skin. He comes just from the sight of Billy and the feeling of having a part of him buried deep inside his lover.

They lay on the bed together, panting softly as they come down from their high. John can hear Billy's heart pumping hard and fast, and quickly hands him some water. As Billy calms down, he sighs deeply and turns on the bed, throwing his leg over John and snuggling up close to him, head on John's chest in what is now a familiar fashion.

John closes his eyes and drifts off, but before he can fall asleep, Billy says quietly, "What did you think, then?"

Blinking his eyes open, John turns to look at Billy, who's watching him expectantly.

"What do you think I think?" John rolls his eyes. "It was amazing."

"Ain't that true," Billy nods, looking very pleased with himself. "Next time you'll put your cock in me bottle, not stop at a finger, eh?"

"Billy," John groans, rubbing his eyes. "I just came. Please don't say things like that."

Billy grins, and says, "I can't wait for that."

John hits him with a pillow, and Billy hits him back with the back of his hand, and they don't end up going to sleep for a few hours yet.

\---

"John," Bradley says when he walks in, brushing the snow off his coat. He thinks it's going to be one of the last snows of the year. They've been coming less and less frequently the past few weeks, and have gotten much less heavy. John has been privately celebrating the upcoming end of the winter, hoping that in spring, maybe he could go into the woods with Billy again. "Vogelbaum asked that you give him a call when you get home."

John sighs deeply and sits down at the table next to Bradley, "Why?"

"Can't say," Bradley replies. "He just told me to let you know he's expecting a call."

John rolls his eyes and says, "Wonderful. Fine, I'll call him."

He waves his head dismissively, making Bradley sigh deeply and get up, heading up the stairs to her bedroom. John stares at the phone Bradley has left behind, imagining Vogelbaum sitting at his office, waiting for John to call him. He likes that thought.

John grins and places his chin on the table, watching the clock above him. Tick, tick, tock, time ticking away as Vogelbaum waits for John. That's fine, he can wait.

White stark walls, table bolted to the floor, John sitting on the bed and waiting for someone to come in to get him.

Tick, tick, tock.

He stares at the clock for nearly an hour before picking up the phone and dialing.

When Vogelbaum answers, a second after the phone rings, John is not all surprised to hear the angry growl in his voice as he says, "John. It took you a while to cal."

John shrugs and leans back, "I didn’t feel like it. What do you want?"

"So, you're not even going to come up with an excuse?"

"Why would I? I just wanted to make you wait."

"I suppose I should be grateful that you're being honest with me," But Vogelbaum doesn't sound grateful at all. He sounds furious and like he's _this_ close to exploding.

"Look," John says. "Why don't you tell me what it is you want?"

_I know you certainly didn't call to see how I'm doing._

"I wanted to talk to you about your future."

John stiffens, "How so?"

"I've been talking to Mr. Edger about Butcher. We've decided it would be a good idea to send him to Harvard to study before we start training him."

"Training him," John interrupts. He doesn't like that phrasing. "Like you trained me?"

"Like I train Bradley, or Madelyn Stillwell," Vogelbaum replies, voice taking on a gentle tone. It makes John grit his teeth.

John doesn’t like it, but it's not as bad as he had feared.

"What do you want to train him _into_ , though?" John asks suspiciously.

Vogelbaum lets out a long sigh, "Eventually I think he would be a good addition to our security-"

The Vought 'security' is more or less their secret police. The people they send out to stop the secrets of Vought from coming out.

"-but that will come when you two are older. First I'd want to get a degree and get experience working at the police."

John snorts and says, "If you're going to go to war against someone, you need to understand them first, hmm?"

"Indeed," Vogelbaum replies. "Now, what do you think of that idea?"

He doesn’t like it. He _really_ does not like it. He doesn't want Billy working with Vought. He does not want his boyfriend sucked into that dark world.

But right now, he can't think of a better course of action, so he's forced to say, "It's not terrible."

He can feel the noose growing tighter and tighter, chocking his airways.

"Good. That's good," Vogelbaum clears his throat. "So. The first thing we need to do is slowly introduce Butcher into our world-"

"Yes, the world where I am a supe," John says bitterly.

"Would it be so bad for Billy to know?"

"Yes," John says, the word spilling out of his mouth.

He looks down at the table, waiting to see what Vogelbaum is going to say. If he'll ask _why_ , or if he'll say:

"Then don't tell him, leave him behind."

There it is.

"But if you're unwilling to do that-"

"Which I'm not."

"Which you're not," Vogeblaum agrees. "Look, John, what you do is entirely up to you. If you tell Butcher I will come to London and offer a position at Vought to the boy. But I can't force you to do anything about-"

"You know I will," John snaps. "Don't fucking act so high and mighty. You know perfectly well the choke hold you have me in."

"Yes," Vogelbaum says quietly. "I do have you in a chokehold, don't I? It's not a very pleasant feeling, is it? I wonder if this is how Eva felt every day before you killed her."

John slams the phone down.

\---

He watches Billy the next day, even closer than he normally does, wondering how Billy would react if John shows him the truth about himself. If he would scream or try to run away. Or would he find it beautiful, would he want to see more? Maybe he'd want John to take him flying?

He wants to believe that that will be the reaction. But he doesn't think it will be. He thinks if he tells Billy, he will lose him.

So he doesn't. He keeps on living, trying to ignore the noose.

\---

Today, the shadow of Eva looms heavily over Billy. John can tell as soon as he sees him sitting on the bus. He's staring out of the window, but it's clear that he isn't seeing anything, and barely reacts when John comes to sit next to him and takes his hand.

"Billy?" He says quietly, caressing Billy's knuckles.

Billy doesn't reply with words, just leans his head against John's shoulder, and keeps on looking out of the window.

"Billy," John repeats, nudging Billy. "You ok?"

But Billy doesn’t respond, still. John keeps trying to talk to him throughout the day, and so do his friends, and sometimes Billy responds, but only with one words-maybe two. And John can tell how hard he has to work for those tiny little answers.

"Can I come with you?" John asks, catching up to Billy as he slips out of the school ground. "Wherever it is you're going?"

"No," Billy replies sharply, not even bothering to look at John.

The easy dismissal makes an ugly pit of anger grow inside of him. He grabs Billy's arm, screaming inwardly, _Look at me! God fucking damn it, stop walking away from me! Look at me, I can't take my eyes off of you and you can just walk away from me! Stop!_

Billy does, forced to stop in his tracks. He turns to stare at John, and the dullness is finally gone from his eyes, replaced by fury. It's better, much, much better.

It's still not good.

"Johnny," Billy says, faux-calmly. "Let go of me."

"I just want-"

"Don't give a _shite_ what you want," Billy hisses. "Let _go_."

John lets go, unable to deny Billy anything when he uses _that_ voice. He wants to say something else, say anything that would keep Billy in place, but, unsure of _what_ to say, he just ends up gaping at him like a stupid fish as Billy snorts and walks away.

Then he shakes his head and follows.

Billy goes to a café first, and spends a few hours sitting with a book propped open in front of him, but John gets the feeling that he can't really see the words his eyes are staring at. When it gets late enough, Billy gets up and takes the bus downtown, slipping into the first pub he comes across.

As he watches Billy slump down and order a drink, John gets the feeling that the night isn't going to go well.

He's not wrong.


	19. Chapter 19

Billy sits at the bar while John finds a roof to settle on, watching. He feels like he does this every second week or so. Whenever Billy goes to sleep over at Ruby's and John watches, on long weekends when Billy goes away with friends that John doesn't know. It's that bitter hurt that Billy has a life outside of John, and John does not want a life outside of Billy.

Billy gets a beer, which makes John relax for a few minutes, since he was worried Billy will try to get blind drunk.

His relative calm does not last long, though. Billy starts with the beers, sure, but after drinking two of them, he turns to the bartender and asks for a shot of vodka. And once it's handed over to him, he downs it in one go.

And then he gets another and downs that, as well. After that second shot disappears into Billy's body, John sees a movement at the corner of his eyes, and he turns slightly to see two men sitting a few chairs away from Billy. One of the men is watching Billy closely, while the other is whispering into his ear. John narrows his eyes and tones his hearing.

"…quite drunk."

"And beautiful," The man says, eyes following Billy, a stand of long blond hair falling on his cheek.

"He certainly is."

John's teeth clench.

"He can't be over twenty," The man places his chin on the blond's shoulder. "Do you think he's of age?"

"He's at a pub, isn't he," The blond stands and starts walking towards Billy.

 _Shit_. John immediately jumps off the roof and runs over to the pub, ducking out of the way of the guard asking for his ID, getting into the pub just in time to see the man reaching Billy.

As the crowd of people bloke John's way, the man puts a hand on Billy's arm as his friend gets up and walks over to Billy as well. John freezes, watching Billy look down at the hand holding him.

"Young man," A hand touches John's shoulder and he swirls around to find the pub guard standing behind him. "May I see your ID, please?"

John scowls, he doesn't have time for this bullshit. "I'm just trying to get to my friend-"

"You can't be here if you're-"

"Here!" John thrusts his ID card in front of the man, and without waiting for a response turns back to where Billy is.

 _Was_. Because Billy is no longer there. John wants to scream. He rakes his eyes across the pub and then _does_ scream when he sees Billy in the alley outside, being trapped against the wall by the blond man's open palm while the other man caresses Billy's arm.

"Bloody hell," Billy groans as John runs outside. "I'm goin' to bloody _destroy_ you-"

"You really should not be wondering around alone, darling. Shall we take you home?"

"And who's home are you planning on taking him to?" John asks quietly. As the two men turn to look at him, he sees the annoyance in their eyes. _Annoyance_.

They shouldn't be looking at him with annoyance. They're touching his Billy, he's going to kill them, they should be cowering from him in fear. John glares at them, at those men looking at him like he's a child, a young boy who can't hurt them. Can't touch them.

He thinks about Vogelbaum looking at him the same way. Vogelbaum, who does not think that John will hurt him, despite knowing what John is, looking at him with no worry. So confident that he can control John, that he knows exactly what he will do.

John can't take it anymore. All of them, all those humans- those fucking _mudpeople_ looking down at him when they should be looking up from their knees.

He's had enough, this is the last time any human is going to look at him like that. He's going to show them that they should fear him more than they fear the god they pray to in their houses of worship. Homelander takes a step forward, clenching his hands into fists, and says quietly, "Step away from him."

The blond raises his hands, smirking, "No worries, lad. We were only looking-"

His voice is cut off when the Homelander breaks his neck.

"Holly fuck!" The other man screams, looking down at his dead friend in horror, and John smells the scent of piss in the air as the man wets his pants. He ignores him for a moment, placing a hand on Billy's shoulder.

Billy is staring up at him, eyes wide and barely seeing, head tilted to the side.

"Are you all right, Billy?" Homelander asks gently, kicking the body of the man to the side so he can move closer to Billy. The kick makes the body fly into the air, his spine breaking before he falls back to the ground.

Billy shoves him away, or at least tries to, but John keeps a hold on him, not wanting to let go. He hears the man whimpering behind him, and turns his head for a moment to see him trying to run away.

Homelander cuts him in half with a laser, and he can smell the burnt meat in the air. He looks back at Billy, and as he does, Billy's eyes roll backwards and he faints.

\---

Maeve Smith has potential. She's powerful and beautiful, with near perfect control over her abilities, and her smile lights up the screen.

"I like her," The Legend hums, shoving his glasses up as he squints at the video playing on the screen in front of them. The teen is throwing a soccer ball into the air, making it soar high into the sky. The video was taken by Vought workers a few weeks ago, from far enough away that the girl didn’t know she was being observed.

Vogelbaum and the Legend have been getting tens of videos like that over the past few weeks, from all across America. They need to decide on the line-ups of the Vought's most important supe groups, and that requires, among other things, coming up with good names and backstories, which is where Legend comes in.

"We should consider her for the Seven," Vogelbaum suggests.

"Hmm," Legend nods thoughtfully. "What would you think of the name Queen Maeve?"

Vogelbaum shrugs, "Can't say I care much about those things. I trust you on that."

Legend accepts that and keeps watching the screen, "She's fifteen, yes?"

"Too young, you're saying."

"Absolutely," Legend replies. "We don't want to appear to encourage child labour, do we? Ideally, I'd have her go out to preform supe acts on her own. Work on the whole 'I've always wanted to help people and Vought just gave me the platform to do it better'."

Vogelbaum nods, "We should be doing the same with John."

"Absolutely not," Legend shakes his head vehemently. "Homelander is the pure simple farm boy, untouched by the crimes and ugliness of humanity before Vought showed him the good he can do. We discussed this."

Vogelbaum opens his mouth to reply to that, but the ringing of the personal phone in his pocket makes him sigh deeply. Can he not catch a break? Even while he's working work finds a way to bother him.

The sigh turns into a worried frown when he sees John's name flashing at him.

"The boy, huh?" Legend squints over and the two men look at each other

"He doesn’t call unless something has gone very wrong," Vogelbaum says quietly. He rubs his face and pats Legend on the shoulder as he stands up to walk out of the room.

"Good luck with him," Legend calls out as he turns back to the screen, eyes following the girl's movements.

Vogelbaum closes the door behind him, reminding himself to make sure Legend isn't left in a room alone with that girl. Or any girl, for that matter.

"Hello?" Vogelbaum says into the phone. "John?"

There's silence on the other side of the line, and the only thing Vogelbaum can hear is John's quick, frightened breathing.

"John!" Vogelbaum snaps. "Are you there?"

"I'm here," John breathes out, voice shaking. "I need your help."

Vogelbaum doesn’t think there is any phrase, coming from John, that could terrify him more. He closes his eyes for a moment before saying, "What did you do?"

"Billy fainted," John says, which isn't an answer at all.

"John-"

"He was at a pub, someone tried to-to-and I killed them."

Vogelbaum puts his hand on the wall, trying to steady himself.

"I lasered one of them in half, he was trying to take Billy to his place. Billy saw me, and he fainted. I don't-I don’t know what to do when he wakes up."

"John," Vogelbaum says the boy's name again, trying to keep him tethered to him. "Where are you?"

John is silent for a moment and then says, "I can't tell you. You'll send Bradley over and she'll try to take Billy away."

"You called me, John. You must need my help."

"I want to know what to _do_ ," John snaps. "I want to know what to say to him when he wakes up so he doesn’t hate me."

Vogelbaum blinks, thinking about the fact that John has just killed two men, and he's worried about what his boyfriend will think about the way he had done it. Not about the killing, but about the superpowers used to do the killing.

"We were already planning on telling him."

"I shouldn’t have called you," John says suddenly, as if the thought had just occurred to him. "I shouldn't have told you what I did-"

"You shouldn’t have killed anyone. But you were right to protect your boyfriend from attack," Vogelbaum says honestly. "Do you understand the difference?"

The deaths of two random perverts are not enough for Vogelbaum to ruin John's relationship over.

"Sure, sure," John mumbles. "Is he going to hate me now?"

Talking to John right now it like trying to keep water cupped in his hand, he can't keep him focused.

"Hate you because you killed-"

"Because of my powers, you fucking idiot!"

" _John_."

"I don't, I don't-" John breathes deeply. "I don't know what to do. He's going to wake up soon."

"John-"

"Shit," John breathes out. "He's waking up."

"John-"

The phone is cut off, and Vogelbaum stares down at his phone. He has no idea why John called him, and he gets the feeling that John doesn’t know either.

\---

John throws his phone to the side and rushes forward as Billy starts to mumble and turn around.

John has put him gently on the floor of a rooftop a few blokes away from where he left the bodies of the men. He had wanted to take Billy's comatose body somewhere soft and warm, but he couldn’t walk around the streets with a body in his arms.

John shivers softy. He doesn’t want Billy to wake up, not yet. He doesn’t know what to _say_ , and Vogelbaum hadn't helped him at all. But he shouldn't have expected that, and doesn’t know why he had thought Vogelbaum could do anything for him. When had he ever once done so?

It doesn’t matter right now, though. All that matters is Billy as his eyes start to flutter open. And then his eyes fly open fully, and he and John look at each other, stare at each other as if nothing exists in the world except the two of them.

John opens his mouth to as Billy if he's all right, but Billy's eyes widen and he raises his hand and punches John straight in the jaw.

John staggers backwards out of shock, feeling no pain of course. Billy, though, is cradling his hand as he looks up at John, eyes full of fear. John stands up, staring down at him. Billy is afraid of him, he shouldn't be afraid of him. It's _wrong_ , as wrong as seeing the sun come up in the middle of the night.

"Billy-" John takes a step towards Billy.

Billy scrambles, his feet shuffling backwards, until his back hits a water container behind him and he looks up at John, body shaking.

"You don't-don't be afraid," John whispers.

Billy swallows and says, "You killed 'em."

"They were trying to touch you," John replies.

"With…" Billy takes a deep breath and says, "Bloody lasers."

John takes a step back, "Yes."

"You've got powers," Billy's eyes are wide. "Heard of folks like you."

"I-"

Billy puts an open palm on the ground and uses it to heave himself up. He takes one step towards John, and John forces himself to stay still. He wants to rush forward and take Billy into his arms, but he knows that it wouldn't be welcome right now.

"Why'd you kill them?" Billy asks, his voice barely over a whisper.

John swallows, "I have to protect you."

Billy nods slowly, he seems like he's not fully with John, like his mind is jumping around from one thought another as he tries to figure out what is going on.

"They would have taken you away," John says as Billy blinks at him. "And hurt you, you know they would have."

Billy raises his hand in a way that makes John's mouth close on its own accord. He shakes his head and then says, "Don't bloody care."

"You should care," John snaps. "Why don't you care that you would have been hurt?"

"That don't matter now!" Billy nearly shrieks, and John jumps backwards at the sudden venom in his Billy's voice. "You bloody shanked them! With fuckin' lasers!"

"What are you angry about?" John asks, genuinely confused. "The fact that I killed them-"

"You killed two people!" Now Billy is shrieking, spit flying out of his mouth, eyes wild with something close to madness, and he grabs handfuls of his hair, pulling at his own locks, hard.

"Billy, stop-"

"You killed them!"

Billy's breathing fast now, his legs shaking. He looks like he's about to collapse on the ground and John can't just stand back anymore and let him suffer like this. So he rushes forward and grabs hold of Billy's arms, just in time to catch him before he falls down.

"It's ok," John promises, gently sitting on the ground and cradling Billy in his arms as his boyfriend shakes and tries to breath. "You'll be ok-"

"Let go," Billy gasps. "Let bloody _go_."

John shakes his head, but he knows that he has to obey. Billy will never forgive him if he keeps him tied in place when he doesn't want to. He refuses to entertain the option that Billy won’t be able to forgive him for killing those two men.

Billy scrambles away from John as soon as he is freed, stumbling back to his feet.

"You-you-" Billy shakes his head and rubs his eyes violently. "You-"

"Can we go home?" John begs. "It's cold, lets get you somewhere warmer."

"No, no," Billy shakes his head wildly and rushes over to the door that must lead to the stairs.

He grabs the door handle and pulls, but it doesn’t open. Billy stares at the door, and then turns to stare at John, "It's locked."

John nods carefully, "Yeah."

"How," Billy says, voice just as careful as John's, "The bloody hell, did you get up here, then?"

"I," John swallows. "I flew us up here."

"Flew," Billy says dully.

"Yeah-"

"You can fly."

"Yes," John replies quietly. "I can fly."

"You're a bloody supe!" Billy runs forwards and shoves John backwards. Or tries to. For the first time with Billy, John does not hold his power back. He stays in place and doesn't let Billy move him. Billy's eyes widen in shock and he takes a few steps backwards. "You…"

"Super-strength," John says softly. "You can't move me if I don't want to move."

Billy shakes his head wildly, "That how you killed the first one?"

"Yeah," John nods. "I can do a lot of things. I can show you."

But the head shaking continues as Billy cradles his injured hand close to his chest. John X-rays the hand, relaxing a bit when he sees that Billy hasn't broken anything, only bruised himself. Right now, the more worrying thing is the way Billy seems close to a full-on panic attack.

John takes a few steps towards Billy, careful not to move too quickly and scare him. Billy looks at him with wide eyes, hysterics looming around him.

"Billy," John whispers, with more desperation in his voice then he intended. "Please don't be afraid of me."

Billy blinks at him, and John can tell he heard the fear in John's voice. The black-haired man watches him for a moment, and then takes a step towards John.

"Please-"

"Ain't afraid of you," Billy croaks out. "You ain't goin' to touch me. Ain't gonna hurt me."

"No. Never," John says, a flicker of hope lighting him up.

Billy closes his eyes, opening his hand to John. John immediately takes hold of the hand and pulls Billy into a hug, burrowing his nose into Billy's raven hair and breathing deeply.

"You lied."

"I didn't lie," John defends himself. "I just…didn't tell you the whole truth."

Billy moves away from John's chest and narrows his eyes at him, "Liar. Fuckin' bloody liar."

John nods, because that's fair. He has lied to Billy about his entire life.

"I'm sorry," John replies. "I didn't want to lie to you."

Billy snorts and pushes away, "Yeah. I'm leavin'."

John swallows as he watches Billy trying to open the locked door. If he's asked by Billy, John will open the door, of course, but he's not going to offer up a way for Billy to leave him.

He gets a glare in response, and Billy abandons the door. He starts walking around, looking for another way off the building, but they're on a tall sky scraper, other then the door, John is the only way Billy can get down.

Billy breathes out and turns back to John, eyes narrow with anger and fear, "You flew me up, aye?"

John nods.

"Bloody fucking hell," Billy groans. "Why didn't you tell me!"

"I wasn't allowed," John says, trying to come up with the closest thing to the truth he can get away with. "My family didn't want me exposed to the public as a supe."

"Not askin' about bloody _people_ , ain't I?" Billy grits out. "Talkin' about _me_!"

"I was planning on telling you, I swear," John replies, this time able to be perfectly honest. "I was just waiting for the right time and then-then this."

Billy glares at him, walking over to peer at John from the corner of his eyes, examining him carefully, "You a supe."

"Yeah."

"A supe who flies."

"Yeah."

Billy shakes his head, cradling his hand to his chest, "Open the door."

John rushes to obey, breaking the lock holding the door closed. The door creaks open and the two of them stare at the dark staircase.

"Can you come home with me?" John asks quietly. "Just…just so I can look over your hand?"

Billy hesitates, but then looks down at his hand and nods carefully.


	20. Chapter 20

As they make their way back outside of the building, Billy stares straight ahead, towards the area where they left the dead men. Which really just shows how often Billy comes to this part of town, that he knows it so well he can orient himself so easily, despite haven been unconscious when John flew them there.

"You left them there?" Billy asks.

John nods, though Billy isn't looking at him and can't see, "The bodies are still there. No one has found them yet."

Billy tuns to stare at him, "How the bloody _hell_ could you fuckin' know that?"

"I can see," John tells him. "And I could hear if they were found."

"Could you," Billy replies, flatly.

"Yeah, it's-"

"Your bloody _powers_ , aye," Billy shakes his head and raises his hands to rub his face. As his injured fingers land on his skin roughly he jumps backwards in surprise, as if he's forgotten the pain.

"Billy, can we go to my place, please?" John begs. "I want Jess to look at your hand."

Blinking, Billy looks down at his hand, "It ain't nothin'."

"It's really badly bruised."

"Ho-" Billy cuts himself off and shakes his head. "Your _powers_."

"X-ray vision," John reveals, shuffling on his feet. He's never been ashamed of his powers, but Billy's reactions make him feel as if he should apologize for something.

"What can you see, then?"

"That you have lots of bruising in your fingers and if you aren't careful it will end up sprained."

"From thumpin' your bloody boat?!" Billy yells, and John can tell that he's going to become hysterical again pretty quickly if John doesn’t calm him down.

"Billy," John cradles Billy's face in his hands, gently, easy for Billy to push away if he needs to. Billy doesn’t, just looks at John, face contorted into shock. "It's ok. I-I know it's a lot. But I'm right here. And I promise you're safe with me."

Billy puts his unhurt palm on John's chest and pushes him back, just a bit, "I know."

"Good," John replies, feeling a bit calmer after Billy's acquiesce. "Then come home with me."

\---

Bradley opens the door when John and Billy are still walking towards the townhouse. She must have been waiting by the window for them. When her brown face appears, she scans John and Billy and her expression darkens with something John can't recognize.

"Come in," She says briskly and herds them to the couch. John sits down next to Billy, feeling his warmth against him.

He stiffens when Bradley reaches to him and takes him into her arms. John breathes in deeply, wanting to push her away.

He puts his arms around her as well. She's warm and surprisingly soft.

"Vogelbaum called me, it's taken care of," She whispers in his ear in the guise of kissing the side of his head, and then she moves away.

Bradley leaves the room, disappearing into the bathroom and coming out again after a few moments with the first aid kit in her hands and sits down on the floor in front of Billy.

"Let me look at your hand?" She asks quietly.

Billy hesitates for a moment and then reached his hand to Bradley. She takes out gauze and wipes and gets to work, gently.

"John called me," Bradley says. "He told me what happened."

"Are you callin' the bees?"

Bradley stops to look up at Billy intently, "No. I am not calling the police. John's abilities have to remain a secret."

"Even if he shanked someone?"

Bradley looks down and goes back to binding Billy's hand, "John is my brother. Would you call the cops on your brother?"

She's a good actress, John has to give it to her.

"Don’t have one."

"And he was protecting you," Bradley looks at Billy intently. "You saw his powers."

Billy swallows, "Aye."

"I need you to listen," Bradley says calmly, putting Billy's newly bandaged hand on his lap. "No one can know about John. No one."

"He ain't the only one. You septics have heaps of them," Billy replies. "Don't know why you ain't just _tell me_."

He turns to glare at John again.

"John isn't a normal supe," Bradley says, pulling Billy's eyes back to her. "He's far more powerful than other supes. And our mother wants him to have a normal life."

Billy shakes his head, "One hell of a secret to keep, ain't it."

"I'm sorry you have to keep it with us," Bradley says, gentle and maternal. "And I'm so sorry both you had to see people die. That's not something anyone your age should have to see…or do."

John turns away. 

"I think it would probably be a good idea if you sleep over, Billy," Bradley continues. "You can have my bed; I'll take the sofa."

That makes John turn back sharply and say, "He can just stay with me like always."

Billy stiffens, and Bradley gives him a hard glare, "This is not a normal situation. We all need…space. Time to think alone."

John doesn't want to be alone; he wants to be with _Billy_.

"Thank you," Billy says shakingly and gets up quickly. "I'll-I'll go."

"Goodnight," Bradley tells him softly, and John watches mutely as Billy climbs up the stairs and goes straight into Bradley's bed, curling into a ball under the blanket.

\---

"So," Bradley says and John nods, indicating he's listening as his eyes stay glued to the ceiling. "More bodies for me to clean up."

John snorts, "And what did you _think_ working for Vought would entail?"

"In general? Less babysitting."

"Heroically climbing up the corporate ladder?"

"You can be cynical all you want, but Vought isn't just a corporation. It's going to become the most powerful corporation in the history of human existence. Climbing _its_ ladder means much more than most."

"I know, because of _me_. So you should be thankful to be put in charge of me," John winces as soon as the words come out of his mouth. She's not _in charge of him_. No one is.

"You know," Bradley says, idle. "You're not the only child supe, waiting for Vought to do something with them. Not all of Vought's eggs are in your basket."

John turns to glare at her, "I'm the most powerful, no other supe even comes close."

"I didn't say you aren't," Bradley replies, and it's interesting how calm her voice can be with how furious her eyes are. "I just said you're not the _only_ one, and that Vought can function without you. You're not irreplaceable, you never were. You're not a god come from on high to save us all, you're a science experiment gone wrong. Now, if you don't mind, get the fuck off the sofa so I can get some sleep."

John gets up wordlessly and goes into his bedroom

\---

At around one o'clock, John's bedroom door is opened and Billy walks in.

John startles from his position on his bed. He'd been sitting with his legs crossed, leaning his chin on the windowsill and caressing the leaves of the vines climbing up the outside wall of his room.

He'd been thinking about that time he found bruises on Billy's body, back before he had access to him unclothed, and how furious that had made him. But he had taken care of it, gotten rid of Mr. Beckett, and Billy hadn't had bruises on him since then.

It had been simple to fix that situation, more or less. This though…He had no idea what to do with this. It's him that has hurt Billy, not an outside party. John can't get rid of _himself_.

He could try to explain to Billy that it wasn't John, it was Homelander, but he thinks that might be a lie. He's starting to think that maybe the line between the two of them isn't as big as he wants it to be. After all, if it was John that loved Billy, why would Homelander feel such fear when he saw the men touching Billy, such _anger_?

Which just meant that he was himself, and John and Homelander were both just him. They weren't two different people. That was just something he told himself.

Which is why he was turned away from the door when Billy comes in, why he hadn't been looking up the ceiling to see what Billy is up to. He doesn't know how to explain himself, if Billy asks, so it's easier to try and ignore his presence.

So he's a bit shocked when he turns his head and sees Billy coming to stand on the other side of the bed, looking down at John with a severe look on his face.

He's shocked and has absolutely no idea what to do about it. Luckily, he doesn’t have to, as Billy seems perfectly comfortable with taking charge of the conversation.

"Tell me what else you can do."

John blinks, taken aback. He's not entirely sure what he had expected, but that probably-definitely was not it.

He clears his throat and asks, just to make sure they're all on the same page here, "You mean my superpowers."

"Aye."

"Right," John clears his throat again. He's never had to explain them before. "Well-"

"Know you got the lasers," Billy waves at the general direction of John's eyes. "Anything else come out to there?"

That almost manages to make John smile, and he says, "Only lasers. But they can see through things, as you know. They also see much further than human eyes."

Billy nods and then points wordlessly to his bandaged hand.

John winces and tells him, "Impregnable skin. I should probably not be punched."

Billy nods, "I shoved you all over the place. You moved. So…"

"Oh," John gives Billy a sheepish look, "I let you move me. Superstrength. I'm also, um, very fast."

"'Course you are," Billy rolls his eyes, but he doesn't seem like he's about to have a panic attack anymore, so there's that. "Anythin' else?"

John thinks for a moment and then his eyes widen, "Oh! I almost forgot. My flying, you saw me fly."

"Aye," Billy drawls "I did."

"So, um, yeah," John nods. "That's all. Those are my powers."

Billy nods and looks at John for a moment before saying, "John. Why did you really come to London?"

"I-" John shakes his head. "I can't tell you."

Billy's face, that had been softening, grows harsh again and stands up from the bed, "Right, then-"

"Wait," John scrambles forwards, more than a little panicked that Billy is _walking away._ "Don't go. Please."

Billy hesitates and turns to look at him, searching for something in John's face. Whatever he was looking for, he must have at least found a bit of it since he sighs and sits back down on the bed.

"Tell me the truth," Billy demands quietly. "I ain't stayin' with a bloke that ain't tellin' me the truth."

John nods, recognizing a threat when he hears it. He moves back so his back is against the pillows and he can see Billy better.

"This…is a long story," He says. "And no one can ever find out about it. Jess can never know we had this conversation."

Billy frowns, "Your sister don't know?"

"She knows, she just can't know _you_ know," John hesitates and then adds, "And she's not my sister."

"Wh-"

"I told you, it's a long story. Can I just…just tell it and when I'm done you'll ask your questions?"

Billy's forehead crinkles and then nods, "All right."

John takes a deep breath, and starts.

He starts the story with telling Billy about Vogelbaum, how in college had had plans to create a higher form of humans, how after some experiments with dogs he lost his job at a prestige hospital. About how Mr. Edger had found him, offered him practically unlimited funds to continue his work. How after a few years he'd created a serum that gave unborn babies supernatural powers, if it didn't kill them in the womb-

Billy stops him at that point and says, "So. Ain't a gift from God."

John swallows, "No. It's a scientific experiment. We're the gods."

"How so?"

John nearly splutters, "Because we have powers. We're stronger than humans, we are better. I'm smarter, I'm faster and-"

"Go on," Billy waves a hand. "If I wanted to see you suck yourself off I'd ask. Tell me the rest."

John takes a deep breath and obeys.

He tells Billy about the way Vogelbaum had somehow created the most powerful of these fetuses. John doesn’t know how he had, he just knows that he could never do it again. And how Vogelbaum had taken that baby and raised him. And that that baby was John.

He looks up to see Billy's reaction to that, but Billy's face is blank, and he looks down and continues.

He tells Billy about his childhood, everything he can remember. All the experiments, all the ways he'd been tested, about the way he'd been kept inside, how the animals he was made to kill. The games of peek-a-boo through the glass, the shock of seeing the sky for the first time. He tells Billy about how Vogelbaum had decided to send him to London to learn how to interact with other people.

He doesn’t tell Billy about why he was sent, of course. But other then that-he tells him everything.

When he's done, John looks up again.

Billy's face is deathly white, so much so that John is a bit worried for a moment. Billy unravels from the ball he'd been holding himself in, and moves towards John, grabbing his arms to pull John against his body, holding him close.

John is so shocked that it takes him a moment to realize that Billy is _crying_ , without making a single sound. Hot tears are running down John's neck where Billy's face is pressed against John's skin.

"Billy…?"

Billy just shakes his head, pulling John close to kiss him softly on the mouth. It's tender, and nearly reverent. John can taste the tears on Billy's skin as he leaves Billy's mouth to kiss his cheeks and forehead and then goes back to his mouth, wanting to taste as much of Billy as he can.

"Billy…" John nearly groans.

"M'sorry," Billy whispers against his mouth.

John shakes his head, "You didn't do anything."

"I know."

"I lied to you-"

"I know."

"But-"

"Shh," Billy hushes, pressing his and John's foreheads together. "I ain't mad, aye? Just…never-ever-ever-ever lie again."

"I won't," John promises, and decides then and there to never ever do anything again that he would have to lie to Billy about.

\---

Bradley isn't talking to him anymore, barely even looks at him. She spends most of her time out of the townhouse, and when John returns home after school he often finds money waiting on the counter for him to order food.

He stays awake a few nights to wait for Bradley to come home. It's nearly midnight when she does. The first time he waits for her, planning on telling her that she can't go out without preparing food for him first.

But when she comes in and sees him, her face contorts into an ugly look of hatred that makes it somehow unable to speak.

The next night when she comes in, John asks, "Why now? Why do you hate me now?"

Bradley hesitates and then says, "Killing two people isn't reason enough?"

"Don't play games," John snaps. "You didn't hate me after killing Eva, why would you after taking out two perverts?"

Bradley slams the door behind her, far louder than John thinks is strictly necessary, and he can see her hands shaking slightly.

"Well. There you have it," Bradley says. "Two perverts who would have taken advantage of someone you care about. The only reason you care is because it was _Billy_ being threatened. I used to think that your love of Billy might redeem you, but it won't, will it. It just means you have something to destroy over. You're a monster, John, just because you have a favorite pet doesn’t mean you aren’t."

John doesn't stay up to wait for her anymore, and she starts leaving and coming back a few days, even a few weeks afterwards.

\---

The first time he fucks Billy fully, has complete sex with him, it's about a month after he discloses everything to him. They're alone at the townhouse, in the middle of the night. They'd been trying to sleep, but it wasn't working, so John had flown out of his bedroom (he can do that now, he can fly in front of Billy) and returned with two tubs of ice cream, and they'd settled down on the floor in front of the TV to play video games.

A few hours later, John is focusing on the game, trying to get through an annoying fucking monster that just _won't die_ , when Billy's fingers suddenly grab his dick and climbs onto his lap.

John throws the game console away and grabs hold of Billy's legs to pull him closer.

They'd done the finger-fucking a few times before, and John doesn't think it would be different this time. He's three-fingers deep inside Billy, licking and sucking the black-haired boy's neck when Billy gasps, "Want you to bugger me-"

"I have been."

"No! Fuckin' bloody idiot," Billy snaps, gasping, his hard dick rubbing against John's stomach. "With your bloody cock!"

John's mind explodes, "Really?"

"Yes! Bloody hell!"

John had thought that having his fingers inside of Billy was euphoric, but it feels like sandpaper rubbing his dick compared to this. Billy is a tight furnace around him, so warm and wonderful that John comes almost right away.

All the while listening to Billy tell him what a good boy he is, how well he's doing.

\---

"John," Billy says, sitting down next to him on the park bench. He folds his arms stubbornly, making John wonder what exactly Billy is about to say that would necessitate stubbornness.

"William," John says back, putting his book down. "What can I do for you?"

"You're comin' with me now," Billy announces.

"Can I ask where I'll be going?" John asks dryly.

Billy chews his lower lip for a moment and then says, his tone implying severe bodily harm to anyone who would dare make a comment he wouldn't approve of to his next statement, "We're goin' to meet me mum."

John can feel his eyes widening and then say in wonder, voice slipping out his mouth, "No one's met your mom. Not even Ruby."

His boyfriend glares at him, "You complain'?"

"Of course not," John says quickly, recognizing the nearly invisible but still clearly their fear and vulnerability. He doesn’t want Billy to have any reason to think John isn't taking this seriously enough. "I'm glad."

Billy hesitates, and then nods and gets up, reaching his hand out to John, "Let's go, then."

They take their normal bus away from the school, and John has to be stopped by Billy from getting up when they get to his station.

It creates, at least for John, a strange atmosphere, like they're travelling somewhere forbidden, or so alien that he needs a guide to weave his way through it so he doesn’t get lost. And as they ride the bus closer and closer to Billy's home, that feeling only intensifies. The views outside get rougher and rougher, with more and more piles of trash crowding the streets, older and older looking buildings, more and more graffiti covering the walls. The people change as well, smocking men and women on the streets, young scantily-clad girls leaning against lamplights in provocative poses (John knows what those women are, now, and when he sees them he grabs Billy's hand and squeezes). As they move on, John can hear more and more people speaking in cockney.

But as John gets more and more nervous that this chaotic place is where Billy spends a large portion of his time (though much less now than before they got together), the place he calls home, Billy is growing calmer and calmer. His formally stiff posture is relaxing and there's even a ghost of a smile playing on his face.

They're one of the last people on the bus, and the driver barely comes to a stop to let Billy and John off, like he can barely bring himself to care enough to do so. Billy flips him off as he jumps off the bus.

John follows Billy through the streets, trying hard not to show his disgust at the stench of garbage and piss covering the alleys. People keep calling out to Billy, young children rush up and give him quick hugs, people only a few years older ask if he's interested in buying anything from them (Billy ignores those ones). He tugs John over to old men sitting on folding chairs smoking so he can greet them. Like at school, Billy receives attention just for being there.

The way the adults of Billy's neighborhood treat him, you'd think Billy was a son of each of them. Or a rock star of some kind. They seem so proud of him, excited at the prospect of one of them being able to leave their neighborhood (and not in a body bag or to prison), and ask about his classes, how things are going on the 'other side of town'. Billy answers each question patiently, with a reverent respect that John has never seen him display before. Their PhD having headmistress doesn't get that respect, but these drugged up men who call Billy Little Bill and talk with an even thicker cockney accent then he does, they get respect.

John really doesn’t understand Billy sometimes.

They get to a red-brick building with no front door (it looks like there was, once, but it's torn off it's hinges now), and Billy motions John in. The building is filled with the sounds of children screaming and people shooting, and John sees a group of men through an open door bagging some heroin. They walk two flights up before Billy stops at a metal door with a sign on it reading 'The Butchers'.

"Mum?" Billy says softly, opening the front door to the apartment. He motions John in and closes the door behind them, walking into the tiny living room. John stays by the door, scanning the apartment.

The living room and kitchen are one, small space, with a tiny table with three chairs next to the one window. Other then that area there is a small bedroom with space for a double bed, closet and nothing more, a tiny bathroom that doesn’t even have room for a bathtub and a space, that looks like a converted closet, that has a bed and folded desk. That has to be Billy's room-though John doesn’t know if it would even count as one.

His family has bene keeping him in a fucking closet.

The apartment screams of poverty, of meagerness and need. But it's also clean and clearly well kept, the old and breaking furniture and electronics kept in good condition. And it's homely, as well. The walls are full of pieces of paper nailed to the stone, drawings that were clearly made by a child. John can't help but smile, those must be the efforts of a younger Billy.

"Mum?" John's attention snaps back to the bedroom. Billy is standing next to the bed, looking down at the bed.

There's a woman lying on the bed. She shifts into a seated position and takes hold of Billy's arms, drawing him to sit next to her. She runs her hands through Billy's hair and grins. There is a nearly suffocating amount of pride in her eyes.

She looks like Billy. He'd be able to know that they were related even if Billy had not called her his mother. She has the same black hair and face shape as her son, the same intelligent look to her, the same beauty (not as beautiful as Billy, obviously. No one can possibly be prettier than John's Billy).

"Have you been sleepin'?" Billy asks, eyes narrowing in worry.

"Just a bit, love," Billy's mother replies. "Just got home. Has school-"

"It was fine," Billy shuffles a bit in his seat. "Come out. I brought me friend-"

"You ain't never brought none of your friends to meet me."

John finds it pretty amusing that Billy's mother's reaction is more or less the same as John's. It's even more amusing when Billy's reaction is also exactly the same as well, "You complain'?"

"No, darlin'," Billy's mother smiles with the kind of grin that makes it clear that she's used to Billy's cattiness. "'Course not."

"I left him in the livin' room, come on," Billy stands up and takes his mother's hand to lead her to John.

Billy stops by the sofa, hands rubbing against his pants as he watches his mother. John does the same thing, taking in the tall, elegant woman dressed in the uniform of a McDonald's worker.

She's smiling at John, beaming at him like she couldn't be happier to meet him, and walks over to him to raise a hand for him to shake, "Hello there. I'm Lucy, welcome to our place. And what's your name, laddie?"

"John," John says, shaking his hand.

Lucy's mouth makes a perfectly shaped _O_ and then turns to Billy, smirking now, "So. _This_ is John."

John finds his mouth making the same smirk as he says, "You've told your mom about me?"

"Of course he did," Lucy grins. "Never stops yapin' about you."

"Is that so?"

"Oh, he never stops."

"Al right, enough," Billy snaps. "Both of you. 'Fore I take John away."

"Oh, no, no, love," Lucy shakes her head. She lets go of John's hand to walk back to Billy and kiss his forehead. "You ain't takin' him away now."

She turns back to grin at John.

"I've got lots to ask him about."

\---

They end up sitting at the tiny table eating ice cream Lucy brought home from her work, the cheap vanilla tasting so much worse than the kinds of ice cream John and Bradley get from the expensive store next to their townhouse. John manages to hold back the grimace of surprise at the taste, but he does catch Billy making a small, sad noise.

It seemed like Billy had gotten used to expensive food, as well.

If Lucy notices her son feeling superior to the food she can provide him, she hides it very well. Instead of worrying about him, she turns to John and interrogates him.

Where is he from, what is his family like, his sister and parents? How does he like London, what is school like for him? How different is it to the schooling he got in America? What are his plans for the future?

John parrots the answers he'd practiced over and over, telling the made up stories of his life, the death of his made up father, the made up move to London. He can tell the truth about most of his time in London, and then has to lie again when it comes to is future.

He's been telling everyone that he's planning on going on a gap year, which means that he doesn’t have to make up a story about trying to get into universities. Then he'd have to think about university, about what he would study-and he won't think about that.

Billy doesn't speak at all while Lucy and John talk. He watches them, eyes flickering between his mother and lover. John, who isn't used to talking so much without Billy finding a way to weasel in at least two or three comments, is surprised at the realization of just how much Billy clearly respects his mother.

Lucy doesn't seem surprised by that, so it's clearly not a show Billy is putting on for John.

After they finish the ice cream Lucy smiles at Billy and says, "I like your boy."

Billy chokes on air and glares at his mother, saying, "He ain't me _boy_ -"

"No, I am your boy," John replies, stomach warming. He likes that title.

Lucy beams at him.

She gets up from her seat and kisses the top of Billy's head.

"You'll be good, aye?" She looks between the two of them sharply. "I've got to go help me mate."

"We'll be good," Billy promises, looking up at his mother and appearing very young besides her. It makes John want to wrap Billy in a fluffy blanket and keep him somewhere safe and warm. "No parties, swear."

Lucy turns to John and says, suddenly serious, "Watch over him."

"Mum-"

"I always do, Mrs. Butcher," John interrupts Billy, eyes locked on his mother.

Lucy nods, looking satisfied.


	21. Chapter 21

John stares at the calendar. It feels a bit like the calendar stares right back at him. Stares at him and mocks him.

Today is the day. The final countdown begins. Thirty-one days until the end of the year. Thirty-one days before he has to go back to America.

He has to put his fist right into his mouth to stop himself from screaming out loud. Bradley is in the house, for once. She hasn’t come home for nearly two weeks, having left him a credit card that linked to a basically unlimited Vought bank account. She's back now, though, and he has to go back to being careful.

John doesn’t know if Vogelbaum is aware of the fact that he’s been left alone so often and for so long, or if he cares if he does. John hasn’t talked to Vogelbaum in a few months now, so he wouldn’t know what is going on in the old man’s head. Not that he wants to know.

Of course not.

He turns away from the calendar and goes back to bed, hugging his pillow like he’s a child and the pillow is his teddy bear.

In school, he stays close to Billy as if he’s afraid to lose him in a crowd. Billy looks at him in puzzlement, but doesn’t say anything.

\---

Twenty-nine days before the end he dreams about killing Vogelbaum. Intimately, slowly, with all of the love a son can have towards a father like Vogelbaum. He keeps close to him as he breaks his bones, as he crushes his airways.

He’s never heard Vogelbaum’s screams, and in his dreams he sounds like John’s screams as a child.

He wakes up in a slightly better mood, but as soon as he looks at the calendar the feeling disappears.

\---

On day twenty-three he considers just pulling the calendar down-why did he even put it up? -but the reason he keeps it up is the same reason he put it up in the first place. He needs to know, to always be aware of how long he has left.

So the calendar stays up.

He leaves the bedroom and snaps at Bradley to make him something to eat.

And then he freezes, remembering that Bradley isn’t back yet.

\---

Billy takes him to the Victoria and Albert museum on day twenty-one. They sit in front of a sarcophagus in the Egyptian wing while John stares at the expressionless face carved into the wood and Billy ferociously scribbles notes for the essay Oxford asked him to submit before the end of the school year, so they can track his progress since his last interview with them around Christmas. Billy, being the wonderful little shit that he is, has decided to write about why Britain should return the national treasures they stole from other countries over the centuries.

John doesn’t have anything to do, so while Billy works he sits and stares at the face. The man buried there was a king once. More than that, he was a god. Or at least his people treated him like one. A god that has ended up being gawked at by tourists.

He doesn’t even have the dignity of being allowed to stay in his home country.

When John will die, who’s to say he won’t end up like this, thousands of years later? In a fucking museum?

“You all right there, mate?”

John jumps in his seat as Billy purrs into his ear from behind.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” John asks, going for nonchalant. He can tell as soon as the words come out of his mouth and Billy smirks that he failed at that utterly.

“Hmm,” Billy moves around the bench and settles down on John’s lap, completely ignoring the _looks_ they’re getting. “Good question, ain’t it. Want to give me the answer?”

John sucks his lower lip. It’s still strange for him that he can tell Billy whatever he wants since Billy knows all (most) of his secrets. Even after months of Billy knowing, it's still strange.

“Do you ever wonder how you’ll be remembered? How, in thousands of years, people will think of you?”

Billy raises an eyebrow, tilting his head towards the sarcophagi.

“Yeah,” John confirms that’s where the thought came from. “So? What do you think?”

“I ain’t worried much ‘bout it,” Billy shrugs. “I ain’t gonna be ‘roud for it, will I?”

“No,” John agrees. “But you’re here now and-well, doesn’t it bother you that you can’t control, in the end, what will happen to your memory?”

“In _thousands_ of years?” Billy snorts. “Ain’t no one I know will be alive then.”

“I _know_ , but-“

“But what? Think about what people now think of you,” Billy says, tapping John’s nose, and then wiggles off his lap to go back to taking notes.

But John can’t stop worrying about it. He can’t stop worrying about his legacy, what it will end up being. Because right now that legacy seems to be being a Vought puppet.

\---

On day nineteen, he and Billy have a fight. It’s not their first fight, of course. They spend most of their time together, they fucking sleep together many nights, they live in each other's heads. It would be impossible for them _not_ to fight once in a while. This fight, though, is different. It’s their biggest fight ever. It lasts for hours, with John and Billy yelling at each other at school and then still going at it as their group of friends heads to the park.

John doesn’t know how this fight started. It doesn’t matter. It’s probably a fucking stupid reason. The important thing is that he just doesn't let it go. He replies to Billy’s comments with ones designed to hurt Billy in his most venerable places, he sneers when Billy looks like he's about to leave, as if baiting him to stay and escalate the situation even more.

He has no fucking idea what he’s doing, why he’s doing everything he can to escalate the situation. To make Billy more and more furious with him. It’s like he wants Billy to hurt him back, wants to be left broken and alone to curl into a ball and scream.

It works, of course. After saying something especially hurtful, Billy stares at him and then says, “You’re a fucking monster. I ain’t interested in listenin’ to one.”

And then he walks away, leaving John alone. Just like he wanted.

He goes back home after that, and finds Bradley there. She’s sitting of the dining table, cradling a wine glass and starting into the distance. When John slams the front door closed behind him she just looks up and says dryly, “Did you have a fight with your man, John?”

John snarls and sits down at the table, grabbing the wine bottle and chugging right from it.

Bradley raises an eyebrow at the sight and adds, “A serious fight, then.”

John throws the bottle against the wall, breaking it into hundreds of pieces. Bradley yells in shock, jumping up.

“You haven’t been here for three days,” John says quietly. “Where have you been?”

Bradley breathes out sharply, “I went out of town.”

John snorts, and then he surges forward and grabs Bradley by the throat. “You disappear and then come back and, what, get to know everything in my life?”

Bradley gasps, trying to breath.

“I know how this goes,” John sneers. “You have to give Vogelbaum some information about what I’m up to, don’t you? Got to come back to give your little status reports.”

He shoves the woman away, throwing her to the ground. He looks down at her, feeling all the fury that he’s sent against Billy just a few minutes earlier. But he’s not angry at Billy, Billy was just there for him to explode at.

This is who he’s really mad at. Bradley, Vought and fucking Vogelbaum.

This is who he wants to hurt.

“I-“ Bradley chokes, trying to get up and struggling as she does. “Will tell Vogelbaum. When he hears-“

“He won’t do a thing,” John sneers at her in distain. “Not over you.”

\---

“I’m sorry,” John says into the phone. “I’m really, really sorry. I fucked up.”

There’s a moment of silence and then Billy whispers, “You’re all right, love. You’ll be all right.”

\---

Vogelbaum does nothing about Bradley.

\---

On day fifteen, Billy and John are laying in the grass at the park next to John's home. Billy is high, and John is contemplating getting high again, when Billy twists and turns to look at him intently.

John blinks at him.

"John," Billy says, softly.

"Um, yeah?" He's not sure why he's so worried, but there's this _look_ in Billy's eyes.

"Think I love you."

Oh.

"I don't need to think," John tells him. "I _know_ I love you."

\---

“John,” Ruby says into his ear on day twelve as they sit in the park while Billy and a few other boys play football next to them. “Has Billy seemed…off to you, lately?”

John frowns at her, “Just a bit quiet. Why?”

Ruby plays with the straps of her bag, biting her lip. John wants to grab her and shake her, demanding to know what she’s thinking.

Luckily, she clears her throat quickly and says, “His dad’s back.”

It’s like a cloud has come across the sun and blocked it, and everything has turned dark.

“How do you know?” He demands, because if that was true why wouldn’t Billy have told him?

“It’s happened before,” Ruby replies. “I know what Billy's like when it does. It’s not…your not your fault for not noticing, John. He’s very good at hiding his fear.”

He is. But John should have still been able to tell.

\---

“No,” Billy says when John asks, after the game. “He ain’t back.”

“Ruby says-“

“Ruby don’t know everythin’,” Billy snorts, and John can’t tell if he’s lying. His heart rate is normal, but Billy is good at lying. “Trust me, yeah? Me dad’s a goner still. Let it go.”

John lets it go.

He choses to believe Billy, because he isn't acting strangely, doesn’t seem more upset then usual. And what does Ruby know, in the end? She's just a dumb bitch.

\---

Day ten is where it all explodes.

There’s really no other way to phrase it. John’s life is slowly crumbling around him as the days tick down. But on day ten, it just _explodes._

What happens is this. John gets to school a few minutes before the start of the day’s first class. He’s thinking about Bradley, who’s left again this morning. She’s been spending the past few days _seething_ around the house. She’s hated John for months now, but things have changed since he attacked her. She still hates him, sure. But the way she looks at him now is like the way one would look at a rabid dog. Like’s he’s not human.

He hates it, and he can’t stop thinking about it, how much he wants her just _gone_.

So it takes him a moment to realize that something is very, very wrong with Billy. He realizes it, eventually, when he nearly collides with a table and Billy doesn’t react _at all._

John looks up in confusion, about to make a joke about how surprising Billy’s inattention to him is, but then he sees Billy and the words die in his mouth.

Billy is staring at the table. He’s blinking, but other than that he isn’t moving. He looks like a statue.

“Hey, Billy?” John frowns and leans down next to his lover. “You ok there?”

He doesn't get any response.

“Billy,” John snaps, now incredibly worried. He grabs Billy’s chin and forces his head up so he can look him in the eye. But Billy just stares at him, “What’s going on?"

Nothing."

"Come on."

He stands up, grabbing Billy’s arm and pulling him up. He drags him out of the classroom and into the bathroom, locking the door behind them.

“Tell me what’s going on,” John asks softly, cupping Billy’s face in his hands. As he does so, his finger brushes against something hard on Billy’s neck, a bump in his skin.

Billy looks at him when John caresses the bump, and swallows, placing his hands on John’s chest and shoving him away.

“Tell me what happened,” John says again, sharply this time.

The black-haired boy just sneers and finally speaks, saying, “Nothin’. What makes you-“

John raises his hand to shut Billy up. If Billy isn’t going to tell him, he’s just going to find out himself. So he takes a step back and X-rays Billy under his clothes.

Billy has a wound on his neck, the shape of a hand print, one on his chest that looks like a punch. And further down there is an open gash next to his belly button. Unable to stop himself, even though he really, really doesn’t want to because he knows he won’t like what he sees, he looks down.

Hand prints on Billy’s thighs and bruises very deeply inside him.

John can feel the fire gnawing in his stomach. He knows these bruises; he’s seen them on Billy before. There are exactly the same bruises that he saw on Billy before he got rid of their teacher Mr. Beckett.

There’s a scream in his head, like the voice of a banshee hollering to him. Billy was hurt again, _again._ After John had promised himself that he would never let Billy get hurt. Not ever again in his life. Never.

This is on him. He’s left Beckett alive. After he saw the bruises the man had left on his Billy before. And he did it again. John remembers exactly what the bruises last time had looked like, and the shape of the hand prints on Billy’s flesh now is identical to the ones that were there before.

“What did he do to you?” John whispers.

Billy flinches away from him, “Nothin’ happened to me-“

“X-ray vision, remember,” John replies with a sneer. He walks over to Billy and grabs his wrists, shoving him against the wall, his arms above his head. “When did this happen?”

It had to have happened during the past eighteen hours. He’s seen Billy before.

“None of your fuckin’ business.”

“It _is_ my business," John snaps. "You went to see him again. Why would you go see him again?"

Billy blinks at him, "Bloody hell you talkin' about?"

"I got him away from you. He's fired, he's never going to get anywhere near the school-"

"Are-" Billy takes a step backwards. "John. Did you get Beckett shacked?"

Oh. Shit. Fuck. Shit.

"Yes," John says. At this point there's nothing else to do.

"You…" Billy shakes his head. "But-"

He stops himself and shakes his head again, taking another step away.

"What 'bout the pictures?"

"You're hurt," John shakes his own head. He really doesn't want to talk about what he did to Becket while he can see exactly what _Beckett_ had done to _Billy_.

"The fuckin' pictures, John!" Billy screams suddenly, and John jumps back in shock at the abrupt change in volume. "What did you do?!"

John breathes out, "I planted them."

"In his office."

"Yes."

Billy closes his eyes for half a moment, taking another step backwards, "You…found pictures of All Brown? Sans clothes?"

"No," John replies. "I took them."

Billy's eyes widen in shock that quickly transforms to horror, "I-in her room. Monkey said she were takin' a shower in one."

"I didn't look at her," John says quickly. "I didn't, like, masturbate to her or anything-"

"You took pics of her! When she weren't seein' you! When she didn't know!" Billy sounds horrified, and John wonders how he can calm him down as he takes another step backwards.

"Yeah, I had to," John should be better at explaining himself, calming the situation down. Isn't he better at lying?

Not to Billy, it seems.

"Had to?" Billy narrows his eyes at him.

"It didn’t hurt her, though," He tries.

It doesn’t work.

Billy's back hits the door and he says, voice shaking, "You think so?"

"Yeah-"

"Fuck," Billy breathes out, and at that exact moment John realizes that the steps Billy has taken throughout their conversation had been for this purpose, to carefully reach the door without John catching up to him trying to get away.

"If you wanted to go out of the bathroom," John says, his voice expressionless. "You could have just said."

Billy looks away from him.

Now it's John turns to take a step away from Billy, "Or were you worried I wasn't going to let you leave?"

The boy folds his arms and looks back at him, "Are you?"

"Yes," John says, "I'm not…I don't control you-"

"No," Billy unlocks the door. "Remember that."

John snarls and then pushes past Billy, out of the room.

"Wait," Billy calls out, grabbing John's arm. "Where the bloody fuck you goin'?"

"To Mr. Beckett," John wretches his arm away.

Billy stares at him for a moment as if he's speaking Japanese, and then he says, easily, "No. You ain't."

"Yes, I am," John replies, angry. Why is Billy trying to protect his own abuser? "You don't control me, either."

"Please don't-"

But John can't listen to Billy, not this time. Sometimes Billy doesn’t know what's best for him, but that's all right. That's what John is here for. To protect him.


	22. Chapter 22

Beckett has moved places since he was fired, forced to live in a less expensive area of town. John had been going to see what he's up to every few months, so he knows exactly where to find him. He's found a new job trading papers from different schools and universities, so he seems to spend most of his time at home. It's not surprising, then, that when John knocks on his door a few minutes after leaving Billy, Beckett opens it after only three loud pounds.

He looks terrible, his hair oily and his beard overgrown. He's dressed in long shaggy clothes that look odd when John was used to seeing him in pristine suits and smells of bitter alcohol. In short, he looks broken.

Beckett stares at John, as if he doesn’t recognize him. Or, John realizes after a beat, like he's not sure if John is really there or if he's a hallucination.

John tilts his head and looks Beckett over, "You look like shit, sir. Really."

He waits to see if he'll get a reaction, anything really. He doesn’t, so he sighs and places his hand on the door frame and shoves hard enough to send Beckett flying to the floor. The man lands with an ungraceful thud and lays there on the ground, looking up at the wall.

"Get up," John says, irritated. "Why are you just going to lay there?"

"I'no it'was you," Beckett says, not looking away from the wall, his voice slurred and unclear. "Y-got me ssss-shacked."

"How do you know?" John asks, leaning against the closed door. He thinks he knows.

"Gave me money, that woman," Beckett rubs his eyes and sits up, swaying as he goes. "S-said to keep my mouth shut."

"Bradley," John nods. That makes sense. They wouldn't want Beckett try to figure out who tried to set him up. Too much publicity. "Where did the money go, then."

Beckett looks down at his hands, "I gave it away."

"To _who_?" John asks from behind clenched teeth.

"I-"

John swoops down and grabs Beckett by the neck, shoving him down on the floor and choking, "Tell me. Was it Billy?"

The man gasps, changing colors, and John lets go of him after he nods.

"J-just in case his father got back," Beckett asks, voice choked. "So he wouldn't have to-to-"

"Go back to selling his body to his teacher to help him mother pay rent?"

Beckett shakes his head in denial, "That's not how it was. I loved him, I just wanted to help him."

John snorts, "He was a child. And your student, you perverted old man."

"A _child_?" Beckett returns the snort. "Billy lost his virginity when he was twelve. He was not a _child_."

"I'm going to kill you," John says, very carefully, to make sure the drunk (if more coherent then before) man can understand him. "You will die by my hand today. I don't care what he had done before, I don’t care how old he was. He was sixteen when you started fucking him, he was your student. You paid him. You can tell yourself whatever you want, that you were in love, that it was his choice. The truth is that you used him, and you hurt him."

"I never hurt him!"

"Never hurt him?" John slams Beckett back on the ground with a heel on his chest. "I say the marks you left on his body. I saw how you hurt him-"

"No, I didn't-"

"Shut up! Stop fucking lying!" John bellows, enraged. "When he came to you yesterday, you fucked him so hard you left bruises inside of him, and you beat him, I saw the wounds on his chest-!"

"I haven't seen him since I was fired!"

John freezes, and then says, "Say that again."

"I haven't seen Billy since I left the school," Beckett obeys, fear lacing every syllable.

And he's telling the truth. It's easy to tell by his heartrate.

"So it wasn’t you," John mumbles, "Who hurt him last time."

Beckett swallows, "I don't know what you mean by last time, but I never hurt Billy."

"You're telling the truth," John says, fear rumbling inside of him. If it wasn't Beckett who hurt Billy, then it was someone else, and that someone else is still out there, and can get to Billy. How could he be so fucking stupid?

He bites his lip and melts Beckett's brain off. He might have not hurt Billy physically, but he still fucked him when he was sixteen, and still deserved to die.

Also just because he fucked Billy, in general.

\---

Billy isn't at school. That's obviously the first place John looks, and he tries not to freak out when he realizes there is no Billy to be found anywhere in the vicinity of the school building.

He manages to do it. At least he manages to keep the freak-out internal.

 _Calm down_ , he tells himself. Just because Billy's not at the school does not mean he's-

With whoever it is that hurt him.

John breathes out, rubbing his eyes with his hands roughly. He needs to think, and the screaming in his head isn’t helping.

So. Where would Billy be? If he left school he must be upset by John's actions. He'd come to school after being hurt, so was John's actions really worse than that?

Not, it wasn't. John rolls his eyes at his own dramatics. Billy didn’t leave school because John was _worse_.

He left school because Beckett wasn't the one that hurt him and John was about to figure that out. So he left. Was he so scared of John finding out who was hurting him? Did he think John wouldn't be able to protect him? Why the fucking hell would he think that?

Has John not proven, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that no one can stand up to him, that he will always protect him?

He must have proven it by now. What else would he have done? He killed two men for Billy, to protect him. Who else in Billy's life would have done that for him?

John needs to find him. To make sure he's safe, and to scream those questions at him, shake him until John can get his answers. But first he needs to find his errant lover.

John takes to the skies. He flies around to all of Billy's favorite place. The parks and pubs, the gym, the library that rents out video games.

He's at the third place when he realizes the mistake he's made.

It's the middle of the day, and he has no clouds to hide behind. People are looking up at him, crying out in shock and disbelief as they see him in the sky. If he was back in America, people wouldn't look at him like that. They're more used to supes. But he's not in America anymore, and he's a spectacle.

He should stop, get down on the ground and stop exposing himself so clearly. That would mean his search would take longer, and that is a sacrifice he's not willing to make.

Vogelbaum will just have to deal with the fallout. And if Vogelbaum tries to threaten John with telling Billy about Eva?

John grits his teeth. Fuck it. Enough with the secrets between Billy and John. He keeps on flying, checking every one of Billy's favorite places, then the places he's only taken John to a few times, and then finally places they've only been too once, like the Victoria and Albert museum or the London Eye (that had been a fun date. Billy had sucked him off when they were way up in the air). He isn't in any of those places.

He has one last idea where to go, John thinks as he hovers in the air above the Big Ben.

"You need to go there," John tells himself.

Out loud.

Is he losing his mind?

Maybe a bit. But he'd lost it a long, long time ago if that was the cage. Back in the labs.

But even if he's being very odd by talking to himself _out loud_ , what he's saying is true.

He needs to go to the hotel.

If it's not Beckett who hurt Billy, there is only one more group of people that John can think of that could have done it. His clients.

He's back working.

John bites his lip, hands clenched into fists as he tries to think 

John looks down at the crowd staring up at him, taking pictures and gasping. He's too far for anyone to see his face, they don’t see him. They just see his powers.

And there are so many men down there. How many of them enjoy a whore on the side? And of those, how many have preferences that run young? And of those, how many had made their way to the hotel Billy worked (works? Fuck!) at?

How many of them had ended up with Billy's body in their arms, under them?

Statistically, probably none. London is a big city.

It could be one, though. It could be two. John lets his eyes grow red. There's no way to know which ones have slept with Billy. He must have allowed so, _so_ many men fuck him.

John can't do this anymore. Billy can't _do_ this to him anymore. John can't keep living like this, knowing that Billy can keep keeping these secrets from him, go back to letting people fuck him, not trusting John.

He can't lose Billy to other men, not even for a few hours at a time.

He lasers everyone underneath him.

Every. Single. Person.

\---

The chaos he left behind him has yet to reach the area of London where the hotel is, and when he lands on the roof, the people inside are still going about their business, undisturbed.

And there he is, in the exact same bedroom where he and John had slept in after Vogelbaum's first visit, when Billy had taken him away. For some reason, that hurts more than everything else.

More then what is actually happening _inside_ the room.

For quite some time John just sits there, watching. Watching the man, who is at least ten years older than Billy and John, laying down on the bed, hands clutching Billy's bruised hips. His body is sweaty, he's panting and groaning. He looks like an ugly ogre.

And he watches Billy. Watches him riding the man, body going up and down on his cock. His hands are holding on to the man's shoulders, using that as leverage.

When John is the one under Billy, the one who gets to watch him moving above him, the one who gets to be inside of him, Billy looks beautiful like this. Right now, though, he looks disgusting, obscene, a whore. He shouldn't be there.

It's so wrong that it's a bit hypnotizing, and John finds himself staring without being able to look away or moving. He keeps watching as Billy fucks himself on the stranger's dick, and as the man groans and shoots forward, John can smell the semen pounding into the rubber around the man's member.

That's what shakes John out of the strange hypnosis. The horror that Billy has actually done it, actually made someone else come.

He punches his fists into the roof, through three floors, lands on the carpet next to Billy, grabs the man's throat and snaps it.

And then he shoves Billy off the dead man's dick and says softly, "There you are, beautiful. I've been looking for you."

\---

"What the bloody fuck?!" Billy screams, panting and sweating. John smells the sweat in the air, mingling with the scent of the spilled semen leaking out of the used condom that poured on the sheets.

Billy tries to free his arm from John's hold, scrambling and pulling, as John stares at the bed. The spots of sweat on the sheets next to the convulsing body.

"What did you do?!" Billy keeps screaming.

"Shut up!" John explodes, roaring like a lion. He grabs Billy's naked body and throws him on the bed, on top of the dead one.

Billy grows still for a moment, and then a light bulb goes off in his head in realization of what he's laying on and he goes back to struggling.

John just puts his open palm on Billy's chest, hovering in the air.

"You can't escape me," John says angrily. "Stop fighting me!"

"Let me go!" Billy screams, looking more terrified then John can ever remember seeing him.

"No," John growls. "You're going to stay right here, where I want you."

Billy shakes his head wildly, "No. No-"

"Yes," John feels himself shake with fury. "Why don't you just lay there, and deal with it? He _is_ dead because of you."

Billy growls, "Get the bloody fuck _off_!"

"Do you know what I just did, Billy?" John asks, trying to and utterly failing to sound calm. "Hmm?"

Billy just stares at him, his heart pounding so hard it's alarming.

"Billy, are you ok-"

"What did you do?" Billy whispers.

John tries to smile, "I was above the Big Ben, and there was a crowd under me. And I thought-I wonder if any of these people fucked you? Or hurt you?"

Billy just shakes his head.

"Your father is back, isn't he? You've been working again," John growls. "And one of them hurt you."

"No!"

"No," John frowns. It wasn't one of them?

He stares down at the terrified, beautiful boy underneath him, and then it hits him. Who it is that hurt Billy and why he didn't want John to know.

"Oh," John says. He can feel his body and mind shutting down, his emotions escaping to some closed off part of his mind that he can't reach.

Billy looks at him, eyes pleading, and begs, "Please don’t say it-"

"It was your father."

"Please don't kill him."

"Your father."

Genius Billy, witty Billy, broken and damaged Billy. Kind and compassionate Billy, cruel Billy. John's Billy.

Billy, who's looking up at John, _his_ John, with fear.

Fear for the man who hurt him.

His father.

Why do father always end up hurting the children they're meant to protect?

"Please don't hurt him," Billy says, grabbing John's arm.

"Why are begging for his life?" John asks in a whisper.

Billy shakes his head like he can't understand the question.

"He raped you!" John screams, pushing his palm down, causing Billy to cry out in pain.

"He's me dad!" Billy gasps through his pain. "Would you kill Vogelbaum?"

"Yes!"

"Would you?" Billy challenges, glaring. "Don't think you would!"

"Well, maybe that's because he never fucking raped me!"

"Don't bloody lie to me, he hurt you just as bad," Billy says. "You told me, remember?"

"Yes," John says bitterly. "I told you. And you hide _this_ from me. You hid something from me that was still happening."

Billy closes his eyes, "Couldn't tell you."

"You could have. You choose not to."

"No," Billy shakes his head. "I couldn't. You don't understand."

"I don't," John agrees. "Because you haven't explained it to me."

"I don’t owe you no bloody explanation," Billy growls in response. "I did what I _had_ to-"

"You didn't _do_ anything. You had this done to you," John knows, he was on the other side of this particular equation. "And you wouldn't have been in that situation if you had just _told_ me."

"You couldn't do a thing."

"Of course I could have!" John snaps harshly. "He's not all-powerful. No matter what he made you think, he can't do whatever he wants."

"You can't either," Billy sneers.

"Can't I?" John grabs Billy by the back of the head and pulls him up, away from the dead body. John hears firemen trying to make their way into the broken hotel. They don't have that long.

He turns Billy around, wrapping his arms around Billy's front.

"I never did tell you what I did at Big Ben," John whispers into Billy's ear. "Would you like to hear?"

"John-"

"I killed so, so many people," John holds Billy tightly as he tries to scramble away. "I lasered a whole fucking city square. I could hear their dying screams; I could smell their flesh burning. And do you know _why_ I did it?"

Billy, rigid in John's arms, doesn't say a word.

"I did it for you. To keep you safe from all these men. And if I did that, do you really think I won't kill your father for you-"

"Bloody fuck-"

"I will always do whatever I need to protect you," John kisses the side of Billy's head.

"Please," Billy whimpers. "Don't shank more people, please-"

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t."

Billy breathes out sharply, "Because I'm askin' you! 'Cause he's me dad!"

The firemen are seconds away from getting into the room. It's time to go.

"Come on," John hoists Billy up and hits him hard on the head, knocking him out.

He flies out of the broken building just as the firemen come crashing in.


	23. Chapter 23

"What have you done, John?!"

John smiles to himself. He never thought he needed this, hearing Vogelbaum so terrified of him. But now that he has it, he wonders why he never thought of that before.

He swings his legs back and forth on the ledge of the roof. He's sitting on top of a small cabin that he found in the middle of the wilderness a few hours (drive) away from London. There was an old man in the cabin when John brought Billy here.

Now there is a body floating in the pool.

Billy is sleeping in the master bedroom, still naked and wrapped up in fluffy blankets.

"You know what I've done," John says softly. "What you're asking is why."

He knows that he doesn't have long before Vought tracks him down. He's going to leave the phone in the cottage when he takes Billy to their next location. But first he needs to say goodbye to his father.

"If you're looking for an answer to that, I'm sorry to say you won't be getting it."

Vogelbaum breaths out, "John, please listen to me."

"No. No, I don't think I'll do that. I've been listening to you my entire life, and I've had enough of it. It's time for you to listen to me."

"I'm going to stop you, John."

"You know you can't," John sighs. He looks at the body floating in the water underneath him. "There's no reason to lie to yourself."

Billy is starting to move around in the bed. He'd already started to wake up once before, and John had had to pinch his nose and mouth shut until he tumbled back into unconsciousness.

It's time to move on soon.

"I want you to know that I was going to kill you, but I decided not to," And Billy's wrong. It isn't because he somehow _can’t_. "And you don’t have to be worried. If you leave me alone, I'll leave you alone."

"You must know I won't be able to do that."

"Well, that's up to you," John sighs, getting up. "Try to take me down and more people will die."

Vogelbaum says nothing.

"I have Billy, there's nothing else I need. I've always thought I need your approval. I've spent my entire life trying to get that. I think that was my biggest mistake."

A beat of silence.

"And you are mine. Next time we see each other, it will be because I have found a way to kill you."

"I know you'll try. Goodbye, Dad."

"Goodbye, son."

John throws the phone in the pool, watching it sink to the floor before he goes down to the master bedroom. He picks Billy up, wrapped in his blankets, and carries him to the van waiting in the garage. He ignores the thumping coming from the trunk and gently places Billy in the backseat.

John doesn’t really have a plan as he drives. He needs to get far, far away from the cabin, obviously, but other than that-he's free. There is no noose around his neck anymore. For the first time in his life he is truly free.

John laughs, unable to stop himself, and slams his foot down on the gas. He goes faster and faster, flying through the road, narrowly avoiding the cars on the way. He feels so good.

"John! Stop!"

John just keeps laughing as Billy latches onto him, trying to ply his fingers away from the wheel.

"You gonna fuckin' crash!"

John shakes his head, letting go of the wheel with one hand to ruffle Billy's hair.

"Let me have some fun!" He yells above the sound of the wind. "We're free, Billy! We're really free now!"

"I ain't gonna be free dead!"

"You're not going to die, I'm not going to let anything happen to you," John shoots back, grabbing Billy's hand and kissing his wrist.

"John! You'll kill us!"

He hears Billy's heartrate skyrocket and keeps his hold on his wrist as he keeps driving, faster and faster.

He knows he should slow down, that he's just scaring Billy. John keeps going. Billy shouldn't be afraid, he shouldn't ever be afraid, he shouldn't think that John will ever let anything happen to him. That is why John won't stop. He needs to show Billy that John can be trusted.

John keeps driving at full speed, and Billy keeps begging him to stop, terrified and disoriented. At some point he turns and throws up on the seat next to John. John looks at him, finding his eyes clouded over.

He's starting to worry he actually hurt Billy when he knocked him out.

When Billy slumps against John's shoulder, breathing heavily, eyes fluttering open and closed, John lets go of his wrist and starts playing with his black hair instead. Billy is nearly comatose again, it's probably time to stop.

Going down a small road, John comes to a stop in front of a small house with no neighbors. He picks Billy up, still wrapped in the blankets, and walks up to the front door.

There are two people in the house. A woman and a young girl eating fries together in the kitchen. John shuffles Billy around so he can reach the door knob and breaks the lock, walking into the house.

When he turns the corner, looking into the kitchen from the open door, Billy grabs hold of John and whispers, "Don't kill 'em, John-"

His words are drowned out by the sound of the lasers.

Billy slumps down again.

"Stay here for a bit," John asks Billy, placing him on the sofa. "I'll be back in a second."

The only response he gets is a blank stare.

Deciding that it's safe enough to leave Billy alone, John kisses his forehead and makes his way to the trunk.

The thumping is still coming from the trunk, even more erratic and frantic now. John grins, opening it.

"Hi," He says brightly to the bound form. "You ready?"

Billy's father whimpers.

\---

John ties the man, naked and spread eagle, on the dining table. He's brought him in from the back door, not wanting Billy to see his father before John was ready for the big reveal.

When the man is secure, John takes a step backwards, to look him over, something he didn't really have time to do when he kidnapped him from the pub near Billy's apartment. He'd peeked in on Lucy Butcher, as well. He feels a little bad, taking her son away from her, given how much she clearly loves him.

He's also not an idiot, though, and knows the chances that she had no idea what her husband was doing with her son are miniscule. So the amount of sympathy he can muster up for her is limited (he considered taking her as well, but she hadn't hurt Billy herself and he loves her, a lot, and John doesn't know if Billy will ever forgive him if he hurt his mother. It was better to just leave her be).

Tearing his thoughts away from Lucy, John brings his attention back to her husband.

John has put a cloth over his mouth and eyes, so it's hard to tell what his face looks like. His hair is brown, different from Billy. His cheekbones, though, are the same as Billy's. John grits his teeth, not wanting to see that physical proof of the connection between Billy and this man.

He lets his eyes rake down. Hairy chest, beer gut. To be fair, there are muscles in his arms, but John is pretty sure that if Billy fought him with all his strength he'd be able to push him off.

His dick, also, is unimpressive. It's not particularly large or thick. It's (disappointingly) not abnormally thin or short, either. Just a normal dick.

It's laying flaccid on the man's thigh, useless. It will never be used again. Forget on Billy, on anyone.

"So," John says, softly, running his hands over the man's disgusting belly. "Here we are."

The man twitches, muffled screams coming from his mouth.

"Before I get Billy, I wanted to talk to you first."

John leans down so he can whisper, intimately, into Billy's father's ear, "I want you to know what is about to happen. I want you to know that because of Billy, you're not going to die. But you are going to suffer. You are going to suffer so, so much. I'm bringing Billy here, and you're going to lay there and think about what's going to come. Your bones are going to be broken, your limbs are going to be crushed. You are going to feel the kind of pain that drive men mad."

He smiles at the whimpers of fear coming from the man and gets up.

"Just something to think about, hah?"

\---

Billy looks up at him with unseeing eyes from his position on the couch.

"I brought you some clothes," John says softly, not wanting to scare Billy. He shows the clothes he took from the room on the second floor.

Billy throws his blankets off and grabs the clothes from John. He dresses in silence and then says, "They ain't done a thing to you."

John frowns, "Who?"

" _Who_ ," Billy sneers in clear disgust. "The lass and her mum!"

"Oh, right," John nods. "I needed the house. Look, I'm not going to argue with you about this. Not right now. We have more important things to worry about."

Billy stops glaring, expression turning to fear and suspicion, "What are you talkin' about?"

"Come," John raises his hand to Billy. "Let me show you."

"Show me what?"

"You'll see," John promises, buzzing with excitement. Billy is _not_ going to be pleased by what he did.

Billy breathes out and walks over to John. He flinches away when John tries to take his hand, and John lets him. He does put a hand on Billy's shoulder, just to make sure he doesn't try to run away when he sees what John has done.

Which he does. Just not in the direction John expects him to.

He tries to run over to his father.

"Dad!" He screams as John catches him and hoists him away. Billy kicks him, screaming wordlessly. "What the bloody hell you doin'?!"

"I'm not going to kill him," John says sharply, placing Billy on the chair he prepared and tying him to it. "You asked me not to, I'm going to respect that."

"I asked you not to shank _anyone_!"

"I'm trying, you gotta give me credit for that."

Billy gasps, trying to breath.

"Hey," John cups Billy's cheek and rubs his skin gently with his thumb. "Tell me something. Your dad, when was the first time he touched you?"

"I-I-"

"It's a simple question."

Billy swallows, "Thirteen."

John bares his teeth, "When you were thirteen."

"Y-yeah."

John nods and walks back to the tied-up man and snatches away the cloth around his eyes.

Shit. They're just as blue as Billy's.

"So. There were thirteen years of your _son's_ life where you didn't touch him," John says, voice murderous. "Congrats, well done on your fucking restraint. You get to keep thirteen of your bones unbroken."

"John-"

"They'll be the important ones, Billy, I promise," John says, keeping his eyes on the man.

Who just whimpers.

"Billy, I've got another question. What came first, the whoring or your dad?"

Billy breathes shakingly, "John-"

John hisses and, in a flash, is in front of Billy, grabbing his chin, "You were glad when this fucker left, weren't you?"

"I-yeah-"

"But you still love him," John sneers. "And you still don't want him to die."

"I just want him far away from me," Billy whispers.

"And he was far away," John says. "But he came back. He can always come back, if we leave him alone."

Billy turns away.

"I'm going to ask you one last time, ok? Please let me kill him."

He isn't holding his breath, but he's still a bit disappointed when Billy shakes his head and says, "Don't want him dead."

"I'm going to hurt him," John says again. "Really hurt him."

Something flashes in Billy's eyes, quick and then it's gone.

"Oh," John grins as he recognizes what it was in Billy's eyes. "You do _want_ that, don't you? You'll have a good time watching this."

Billy shakes his head stubbornly, "No I ain't."

"I think you will, if you let yourself," John says.

Billy stares at him for a moment and then says, in what is nearly a whisper, "John. C'mon, let's go. I ain't got no idea what happened to you, but it'll be all right. Me and you, we can just go-"

"Yes, we will."

"So just-just _stop_ ," Billy begs. "Come away with me. Stop this. You're scarin' me."

"This is it, Billy. I promise. We finish here and then we're gone."

"Gone?" Billy frowns. "What'ya mean?"

John shrugs, "I don't know where we'll go, you can decide. Just somewhere far far away where Vogelbaum can’t find us."

"I-"

"Later, Billy," John kisses Billy's forehead quickly and turns away.

Billy's father whimpers again. It makes John wonder if he'd hoped Billy could change John's mind about the whole torture thing.

"All right, time to get started," John rubs his hands together. He reaches out and throws the cloth in his mouth to the ground.

As soon as his mouth is freed, the man starts to beg, "Don’t, please, if you care 'bout me lad-"

"Billy's not _your_ anything, and I would recommend that you don't try to claim him like that," John suggests. He tilts his head as the man continues to beg. "I think I'm going to start with your toes."

Then John breaks all ten of Billy's father's toes, grinning at the snaping sounds. The room is vibrating with the sounds of screams. When he's done, John looks at the destroyed toes and, well, since he's already there…

He breaks the rest of the bones on the man's two feet, getting close to see the way the white bone sticks out form the red meat.

"This is a good start," He says with a grin. No one can hear him above the loud screaming, though.

He looks back at Billy, and is mesmerized by what he sees. Billy's eyes are wide with wonder, looking at his father's broken body. He doesn't look horrified or scared. He looks amazed. He looks at his father the same way he had once looked up at the shooting stars when they went camping.

His eyes say: _this is beautiful and wonderful and I never want it to end._

John breathes out shakingly. God, he wants to fuck Billy right now, make him come and scream in pleasure. He wants Billy so badly it's a physical pain in his gut.

He's got work to do, though. He moves on to the legs, twisting the man's knee in the direction it's _not_ supposed to go, which makes the screaming somehow higher. Amazingly.

Once the legs are utterly destroyed, John runs his fingers through the man's hair, grabbing hard to pull his head backwards.

"It might help," He says to him. "If you apologize."

The man whimpers and tries to speak through the blood in his mouth from biting his tongue.

"What was that? I didn't hear?" John puts his bloody hand to his ear.

Billy's father gaps and tries again, "B-Billy-"

Billy shakes his head as if waking himself up from a dream.

"I-I-I'm sorry."

"You're sorry," John snorts. "What are you sorry _for_?"

The man twitches, then cries out again as he rattles his broken bones.

"You need to say it."

Billy's father shakes his head.

"Are you afraid to say it?" John purrs. "You _did_ it."

"He ain't sorry," Billy says, smiling menacingly.

"Clearly," John sighs dramatically. "If he was, he wouldn't mind saying it. I think I'll just get back to it, then-"

"No!" Billy's father begs. "I-Billy-"

"Yes, Dad?" Billy drawls.

"I-I'm sorry for hurtin' you."

"Be more specific," John places his hand on a broken leg. " _How_ did you hurt him?"

Billy's father closes his eyes, "By fuckin' him."

"Raping him, I would say," John corrects. He grins. "So, you hurt him by raping him. Good. I'm glad we got that straightened. Billy?"

"Yeah," Billy grins right back at him. "Get back to it."

\---

"He stopped yelpin'," Billy says an hour or so later as John goes to get more water to pour over his father's head to wake him up.

"He fainted again," John replies. "I'm just going to wake him up-"

"John."

"Hmm?" John starts refilling the bucket.

"Untie me."

John freezes and swallows, "Why?"

"I ain't owe you no explanation," Billy replies calmly. "Now fuckin' untie me."

It's that fucking voice. He can't say no to that fucking voice.

"Don’t try to run away," He means to sound authoritative but he ends up pleading.

Billy gives him a hard look, and John unties him.

"Thank you, love," Billy says calmly and rolls his shirt sleeves up to his elbows.

His father is silent now, he knows that something has changed.

"You're done now, John," Billy says, holding his hand out. "Hand me the bucket."

"No," John shakes his head. "I'm not done."

He's not even close to down. This is not even close to the amount of suffering this man deserves. Billy should understand that, why can't Billy just understand that?

Billy just looks at him, steady and in control, and then he says, "Yes. Give it here. Now," and John hands the bucket over without hesitation.

Billy nods and dumps the whole bucket of water over his dad's body. The man gasps and shakes, spitting out water and looking around wildly. He's about to start screaming again when Billy moves forward and clasps a hand over his mouth, silencing him.

"You ain't gonna do nothin' else," Billy says. "You're goin' to let him go, and we're goin' to leave."

John swallows, "Leave? T-together?"

Billy gives him a disappointed look, "'Course. Now. Wait."

He leans down next to his father, and the broken man turns his head to look his son in the eye.

"Father," Billy whispers. He takes a deep breath, and John sees his hands shaking. "I ain't gonna kill you. But I think…I think I ain't afraid of you no more. You should know-you should know I really loved you. And I thought you loved me. You told me you loved me, and you shouldn’t have done that. Shouldn’t have told me that I needed to fuck men to get you what you want, and that you love me for doin' it, and…But I don't love you no more. And I don't think you ever loved me."

"B-Billy…"

"You gonna try to say sorry, ain't you? It won't work, I know you don’t mean it," Billy stands up and turns away from his father. "John?"

"Yes?" John says immediately.

"Do one more thing," Billy orders. "Rip me dad's prick off."

John grins, and gladly obeys.

\---

John flies Billy far, far away. They fly over the ocean, Billy riding on his back and hugging him closely, and John doesn't try to start a conversation. There's a peace between them, and he's too afraid of shattering it.

He can’t fly forever, however, so eventually, after nearly twelve hours, he has to land. They're in the middle of the woods in Ireland, and as soon as John lands Billy collapses down, laying on the grass. John hesitates for a moment, and then lays down next to Billy.

Immediately, Billy get up and straddles John's lap, and suddenly John feels so small and controlled. He starts to sit up, but Billy puts a hand on his chest, and John allows himself to be pushed back to the ground.

"What happens now?" John asks.

"What do you want to happen?" Billy replies with a question of his own, calm and collected and so very frightened. "What will you do if I want to leave?"

John opens his mouth, but Billy places his hand over it.

"You ain't gonna lie."

The hand moves, and John swallows and tells the truth, "I won’t let you. You can't leave me."

"That's what I thought," Billy says. "And you'll hurt more people, ain't you?"

"I-"

"And you can't be stopped."

John swallows, "No. No one can stop me."

"And you can't be controlled," Billy says, and John can see the gears in his mind working. "Only by me."

John doesn’t bother replying to that. They both know it's true. That without Billy, John is a loose weapon of mass destruction, that the world might end with him all alone.

He presses his and John's foreheads together, and whispers, "I ain't gonna leave you."

John lets out a shaky breath.

"But things are gonna change," Billy continues, pushing away. "You ain't never, ever gonna kill no-one just 'cause you want ever again. You ain't never, ever gonna hurt anyone I don't tell you you can ever again. If you hurt someone I don't tell you to, if you hurt someone more than I told you that you could, if you kill someone I didn't tell you to kill-I will off meself."

"You're not going to kill yourself-"

"I would," Billy puts a finger under John's chin. "Won’t I?"

He would. "You would."

"Aye," Billy stands up, leaving John feeling cold and alone. "Can't leave you alone to detroy the bloody world, John. You ain't got good reasons for killin' people. Think mine will be better."

John hugs his legs and asks quietly, "Who-who are you planning to ask me to kill?"

Billy is silent for quite a long time. He looks at John, his eyes brimming with sadistic pleasure, "People like me dad. You gonna kill them, and hurt them like you hurt him. I'll help you."

John grins, "I like that idea."

Billy grins back, and places a hand on John's cheek.

"My father will be after us," John warns. "And the whole Vought company."

His beautiful Billy shrugs, " _Them_ you can kill."

"But I have to ask you before."

"Aye," Billy rubs John's hair. "They ain't gonna get to us."

"Of course not," John pulls Billy over. "Together we're invincible."


End file.
